[Humour] 6 questions fans want answers to before El Clasico

Real Madrid and Barcelona have some of the best players the world has ever seen. Lionel Messi and Cristiano Ronaldo are the first to obviously spring to mind, but there is no dearth of talent alongside them either.Being the wonderful place that the internet always has been and hopefully, always will be, the El Clasico battle also has some of the most trolled players on the planet. Internet humour has a field day on most match days that either team is involved in. So when the two face-off against each other, we’re hoping for answers to a few questions raised by the fans.Disclaimer: This article has been written in jest, and none of the content in it is intended to offend anyone. The author apologizes to everyone in advance should they feel offended.

#1 Ramos\' dressing room pastime?

Sergio Ramos has this rather unfortunate and unsavoury habit of accumulating yellow and red cards, which is a sad thing really. More often than not, his tackles do not end up maiming opponents or causing long-term injuries; one would obviously think that he got booked for something malicious, right?

Nevertheless, having picked up 19 red cards in his Real Madrid career (3 in El Clasicos), he has had more than his fair share of early showers. Which begs the question: what does he end up doing with all the free time he gets inside the dressing room?

In fact, this question points us to a more fundamental question: Is his lonely pastime in the dressing room so interesting and enticing that Ramos willingly gets sent off? With Ramos in top form this season, perhaps Ancelotti should devote more time and research on this important question to get the best out of his best man in defence.

#2 The secret to Neymar\'s diving excellence?

The best part about Neymar’s various diving and simulation theatrics are the way he rolls about on the ground after the contact (real or otherwise). He’s perfected it like an art form: unsuspecting spectators could quite easily fall under the illusion that Neymar had been brutally hacked to the ground.

This hitherto unseen prowess of his requires that a special enquiry be made as to what training he undertook to land on the ground so gracefully and so convincingly. Ballet? Figure Skating? Salsa? Samba dance?

Of course, the way he performs his rolls could also be attributed to the 15 meter diving board, as most people do. But that wouldn’t quite make him the artist that he is. I’m guessing Ballet must have a big role to play.

Neymar’s feats in this field deserve some proper admiration and attention so that footballers of the future can watch and learn. Simulation is an art form, and Neymar its foremost proponent.

#3 Iniesta: \'0% Hair, 100% Legend\'?

When Iniesta was selected in Barcelona’s youth academy at the age of 12, he possessed a magnificent head of hair that would surely have been the cause of envy amongst the other youngsters in the academy. Over time, however, as his career has progressed, bit-by-bit, he has lost the magnificent crop of hair that he once used to have.

See the progression from academy life to 2004, and the steady decrease in the amount of hair on his head is almost coincident with his rise to fame as a gamewinner. Perhaps, by the time he hangs up his boots, with his legacy cemented as a Barcelona legend, he will have made it as one of those ‘0% hair, 100% legend’ phenomenons (read: Ronaldo O Fenomeno).

He would be well-served taking classes from the opposition camp: Zinedine Zidane might even take time off his Castilla training sessions to help Iniesta out. Perhaps, there will come a day when Iniesta’s ears are hairier than his head. Or perhaps not.

#4 Cristiano Ronaldo vs Dwayne Johnson?

Nearly every man on this planet would kill to have a supermodel trophy girlfriend like Irina Shayk: after all, she is one of those women who would look beautiful in anything from a towel to a swimsuit.

So when a WWE figher-cum-actor like Dwayne Johnson a.k.a The Rock is linked to your squeeze, you are bound to get one of those jealousy pangs that would strike anyone in his position. Which leads us to question the reigning Ballon d’Or winner (gosh, wasn’t that the time they announced their split?) about how much he truly loathes The Rock. Enough to challenge him to a duel a la the 19th-century?

What if, after the Clasico, Cristiano challenges The Rock for a cage match in Wrestlemania 2015? My gut says Cristiano will smash through The Rock, using the Spear as his finishing move for once.

#5 Jeremy Mathieu and brand of cigarettes?

To be fair to the Frenchman, who’s having a pretty good season at the back for the Blaugrana, he isn’t the first footballer ever at Barca to have a smoking habit. Johan Cruyff, the greatest footballer to wear the red and blue colours of Barca (before Leo Messi had his say, obviously), was a chain smoker before, during and after his years at the club.

Nor is he the only player at the top in modern football to have this habit: this season we’ve seen Jack Wilshere and Wojcech Szczesny embroiled in controversies regarding their habits too. So we advise the press to be a bit tolerant towards him, and pop him this question the next time Mathieu is addressing them, “What is your favorite brand of cigarettes?”

More than a fair share of football fans would want to know the answer for sure. And a number of heavyweights in the market too. Camel, anyone?

#6 Bale and his horrible hairdo?

When Gareth Bale began preseason back in July, we saw him sporting longer locks than ever before. A number of football fans noted and praised the additional muscle and sinew that the Welshman put on during offseason training, but they were rather disconcerted by his new hairdo, which, frankly seems outrageously bad.

This new hairstyle has coincided with a dip in his form over the course of this season. Bale just does not seem to have the same cutting edge that he had at the end of the previous campaign. Perhaps the added weight and length of hair is affecting the aerodynamics of his sprints.

Defenders can stop him now by catching one of his longer strands and pretending they were killing a mosquito. With those old spikes of his, even if a defender tried to run his hand through Bale’s hair, it would just slither off. Time to bring them magic spikes back? One would think so!