And the Football Oscar goes to...

Welcome to Wembley for the UEFA Football Oscars! Presenting your host, Piers Morgan!

Piers: BOOM! Thank you, thank you! It’s a real pleasure to be here!

Section of the fans: Boooooo!

Piers: *chuckles* Oh, you fans are too funny! Haha… Wait! What the… Those are Arsenal fans booing me!

Arsenal fans: Go home you stupid wa… *censored by TV channel*

Piers: Well, anyway! Welcome to Wembley for a night to celebrate the achievements of our footballers, managers and teams!

Ex-Bayern manager Jupp Heynckes checks his pocket to make sure that he brought his acceptance speech.

Piers: Our first award for the night is Best Player in a Supporting Role. And the award goes to the very versatile… Philipp Lahm!

As Lahm goes up on stage to collect the award, Mesut Ozil’s jaw drops in shock and mouths the words, “But what about my assists?” Lionel Messi is seen comforting Andres Iniesta and Cesc Fabregas who have their heads bowed.

Piers: Moving on, the next category is for the Best Costume. The vote was unanimous and the award goes to… Liverpool! Their 2013/14 away shirt was the clear favourite with the theme “Rise up” and… Why isn’t anyone getting up to come receive the award?

Jose Enrique is over the moon after being handed a free Liverpool Away Kit.

Brendan Rodgers: Go ahead, Stevie! I’ll wait here.

Steven Gerrard: No way! We go together.

Brendan Rodgers: Sigh, ok! You’ll Never Walk Alone and all that…

Rodgers and Gerrard collect the award and hastily exit the stage.

Piers: Up next, we have the Best Owner! It’s not often that someone in a negative role wins this award, but this year it goes to none other than Cardiff City’s Vincent Tan!

Press: Do you expect us to support you?Tan: No, I expect you to die!

Vincent Tan: Thank you! This trophy means we play in Europe now? One day we are a hero, another day we are a zero. I know quite a lot about football now. I know the value of players and… Hey, why are they playing music already?

Piers: And now, we have the award for the Best Goal Celebration. Any guesses?

Daniel Sturridge stands up and adjusts his tuxedo and bow-tie, waving to his friends.

Piers: Mario Balotelli!

This ain’t no Saturday Night Fever!

Sturridge sits down disappointed. Nicholas Anelka throws his hands up in disgust and walks out of the arena.

Balotelli steps up on stage and immediately removes his tuxedo to lift his shirt over his head and reveal a… ‘Dare to Zlatan‘ t-shirt! A flabbergasted Balotelli tries to cover it up by wearing his shirt again but struggles to put it on. He finally screams in frustration and rips the t-shirt away as Zlatan Ibrahimovic winks at the AC Milan kit man who also provided Balotelli with the suit.

Nani: Hey, why wasn’t I even nominated?

Robin van Persie: You? You scored last year?

Piers: We saw a lot of action last year but some players outshined the others with some incredible performances that have been etched in our memory! And our next award is meant to recognize those with the Best Visual Effects!

Ashley Young wakes up and sits up expectantly.

Piers: There were many nominees; Young, Neymar, Bale… But the stand-out winner is Luis Suarez!

Suarez walks up to the stage smiling but stumbles on the final step and falls over. Howard Webb, sitting in the front row, pulls out a yellow card out of habit.

Piers: We now move on to the Biggies! The next award is for the Best Captain. This was a tough one to call but it ultimately went to Francesco Totti who oversaw Roma’s rise last year!

Thomas Vermaelen: If I had played a little more last year, I may have had a chance to win it.

Mikel Arteta: Hey, look at me! I am the captain now!

Mikel Arteta: “I am the captain now!”

Piers: The Best Manager award is always closely contested! With nominees from a number of Leagues, this was always going to be the toughest decision to make.

Arsene Wenger sees his name on the nominees list on screen and tries to button up his tux but fails miserably. Jose Mourinho gives everyone else a murderous look while Sir Alex Ferguson looks at his watch and says, “It’s about god damned time!”

Piers: Who am I kidding? There was only one clear winner – Jupp Heynckes for helping Bayern Munich win the treble!

Heynckes walks up to the stage as the crowd rises to its feet to salute the legend. Emmanuel Adebayor literally salutes him and then realizes there’s no point as he isn’t the Bayern manager anymore. He quickly seeks out Carlo Ancelotti while trying to avoid AVB’s gaze.

Piers: The club that wins the Best Club award is usually the one who took the Champions League trophy home.

Heynckes who just got back to his seat pauses before sitting down.

Piers: But this time, it goes to a club that has won the neutrals’ hearts with a performance that truly defined the romance of football – none other than Borussia Dortmund!

Jurgen Klopp runs up to the stage and slides on his knees with his hands up in the air with the sign of the horns (\m/), heavy metal music replacing the orchestra. Zlatan Ibrahimovic nods his head, appreciating Klopp’s histrionics.

Jurgen Klopp – The last from the School of Rock?

Jurgen Klopp: I’d like to thank the fans around the world! Dortmund has had a tough time in the past, and in more recent times as well (Robert Lewandowski and Mario Goetze slowly sink lower into their seats). But I assure you that we will rise again and… HEY! PEP! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? GET AWAY FROM MARCO! JAKUB, QUICK!

Pep Guardiola whirls around quickly and makes a run for the exit while Marco Reus looks down to see a file with the word ‘CONTRACT’ written on it. But before he can open it, Jakub B?aszczykowski tackles him from behind and the file falls on ?lkay Gündo?an’s lap.

Jurgen Klopp, Arsene Wenger and David Moyes: Noooo…!

As the three managers pounce on Gündo?an to prevent him from reading the contract, Piers Morgan comes back on stage.

Piers: The penultimate award is for the Best Match and we sure did have a hell of a lot of epic games last year. But one match stood out from the rest and that was Sweden vs Portugal!

Both Zlatan Ibrahimovic and Cristiano Ronaldo run up to the stage to receive the award and neither let go of the trophy. There were still bickering over who should keep it as they walked off the stage with Sepp Blatter finally stepping in and ordering Ibrahimovic to give it to Ronaldo.

Piers: And finally, the last award for the evening is the Best Player. The nominees are – Lionel Messi, Franck Ribery, Cristiano Ronaldo, Zlatan Ibrahimovic and Gareth Bale. Why am I not surprised to see no Arsenal player in the list? Anyway, the award goes to… Franck Ribery!

Ribery runs up to the stage, deftly avoiding both Ibrahimovic and Ronaldo who are both outraged that they didn’t win the biggest award of the night! Ronaldo points at himself and begs the question while Ibrahimovic glares at Ribery. A disappointed Lionel Messi pushes them aside and heads for the exit while Gareth Bale tries to pacify everyone using his trademark heart celebration.

Pele: Why can’t they all just get along?

Diego Maradona: I know, right?

Pele and Maradona made a rare appearance at an awards function

Piers Morgan: Thank you all for attending the function, and thank you to the viewers. My phone has been beeping non-stop with Twitter notifications. I’ve been told that Twitter crashed after it was revealed that I was the host. I’m sure you guys loved me! Thanks again and good nig…

A football hits him in the face, knocking him down flat; unconscious!

At the other end of the arena, a grinning Rio Ferdinand is seen dusting off his leather shoes while Wayne Rooney pats him on the shoulder.

Andy Gray: What a hit, son! What a hit!

Sir Alex Ferguson: Bloody hell, Rio! You sure picked the wrong night to turn up at Wembley…