Gabriel Paulista – Profile & Greatest Hits

Gabriel Paulista (L) in action for Villareal.

Greetings and salutations Earthlings. I, Ted, have interrupted my staycation of eating cheese flavoured processed good whilst watching the entire original series of Star Trek on Blu-Ray to bring you news of a potential defensive signing.

Krystian Bielik, who I comprehensively profiled here, officially signed for Arsenal on Wednesday and may soon been joined by Gabriel Paulista. My side-b*tch Tim Stillman has made it his one-man mission to perfect the “one look impregnation stare” and has been traversing the globe eye-balling frightened passers-by in various states of undress and arousal but when he isn’t doing that he spends his time correcting plebeians online who insist on calling Gabriel “Paulista” which is in fact a pejorative term for people from Sao Paulo – Tim shouldn’t have to tell you, you should all KNOW THIS! Christ! Anywho..

There will be those who are unaware of who Gabriel is exactly and in order to dissuade people from swallowing the rubbish falling out of the mouths of people who visit WhoScored and YouTube and pretend to have followed a player closely for a long time, I have compiled another player profile for you.

Born to Peter and Louise, Gabriel showed an early talent for football but had No Self-Control when it came to his schooling, often preferring to skip lessons so he could play football and Forget About The World. His teachers would often grow exasperated at his truancy and decried his insolence when he did attend but refused to come in from the playground stating “Give Me A Little More Time because I’ve practice really hard and now I Have The Touch”.

Gabriel’s form tutor told him he would never amount to anything but he was encouraged to follow his Dreams by the janitor who explained he had talked himself out of making the Big Time by asking himself “Should I Stay in my comfortable job or try to live in the Sunshine?” He looked Gabriel in the eyes and said “Don’t Give Up because If You Ever think that a professional career is Out Of Reach you’ll never get there”.

When Gabriel signed for Villarreal he phoned that janitor and said “Because Of You I am now playing football in Europe, how can I ever thank you for believing in me?” and the janitor said “If You Really Cared you could give me some Modern Love“. The call swiftly ended and Gabriel has not spoken to the janitor since and now has a restraining order against him.

His performances for Villarreal caught the eye of Arsenal’s scouts and Arsène Wenger who now sees him as the man to compete for a first-team spot at Arsenal and provide the centre-back depth they desperately crave.

Having never played for his native Brazil who blame his father for inflicting Phil Collins upon the world he may find it difficult to obtain a work-permit with Greg Dyke commenting “If I have my way he’s Going Nowhere“. New rules due to be in effect for the summer might offer an easier route to a work-permit as Villarreal are looking for in excess of the £10m fee that would see him qualify for a work-permit this summer.

Arsenal will not want to wait for the summer as they are in need of bodies now and should the situation drag to the summer they could be rivalled for his signature by West Ham who are readying a competitive financial packet which includes a significant pay Rise and a swish pad in an exclusive part of E17.

The kid from Sao Paulo certainly has come a long way and his next destination could be Arsenal. When questioned about Arsenal’s interest and would he like to join Wenger’s team he replied “I Wish I could join Arsenal because they are by far the greatest team the world has ever seen”. Arsenal supporters will be pleased to know he is versatile and can play centre-back and left-back. However, it should be noted that despite boasting a credible number of interceptions, headed clearances and tackles this season he has a few vision issues.

Arsenal are attempting to negotiate the fee as well as secure him a work permit and if a solution isn’t found in the next few days they are expected to Walk On By.

So there you have it, as much information on Gabriel as is available and could be 100% verified.

Ted out.

Stay Cuddly.