Hara-Kiri of a Football writer

I’m more of a reader than a writer, and more often a commenter rather than a reader (sorry fellow authors if I have bugged you at any point of time). Commenting is more often than not done for dissing the author. Some crimes are pardonable, others, not so lightly dealt with. So, here’s an article for all those authors out there, the Hara- Kiri ¹ of a football writer…

1. Insulting Manchester United or Barcelona – One of the more commonly committed crimes in life. Whether it’s insulting the infidel Ryan Giggs² or the ‘You- Shall- Only- Pass’ Xavi Hernandez or the entire team for their 78% possesion, football writers have done it all, and have been re-paid in full measure (Read as hate messages on facebook, all caps to death, swearing so bad it would make your hair curl and the obvious “Haters Gonna Hate!”)

2. Self Glorification – “Real Madrid Rock!! Hala Madrid!!” on an article having tagged Barcelona. Five letters: D. E. A. T. H

3. Supporting newly rich clubs – PSG and Manchester City are the most recent and the best examples. Supporting them instantly makes you a glory hunter, ****, *******, & ******** ³, regardless of the support you have shown to them since time immemorial. Not- so- rich club fans (most commonly Arsenal) instantly fill the comments section about their own glory days and the time when the ‘Rich Boys’ were at the bottom of the table, and how their team is going to win the next year when the ‘financial fair play’ is [supposedly] coming in to effect.

4. Writing a crappy article – Take a hint from Jurassic Park, just because you are capable of doing something, doesn’t mean you HAVE to do it. Take your time, take it easy, read other articles for inspiration, and don’t publish it without asking yourself “Is this article just plain bad?”

5. Wrong information – “Eden Hazard did so and so better than Kagawa, therefore Chelsea are better!”. The catch? You probably read that little tid-bit of information of the latest Troll photo on facebook, and troll photos aren’t solely made by mensa members. And the commentors? Having read and seen a not-so-latest photograph with not-so-incorrect information, instantly becomes the superhero of the day, and the writer can only lament about how his virtual life has been ruined, and about the scoreline in the last friendly just in case his mom is on the television watching soaps.

6. Trusting Twitter – Twitter is remarkably consistent regarding information, because they are consistently incorrect. A blabber mouth will tell all of Netopia and half of his city about how Van Persie was the final cog in the Juve machine, and now, the deal has been finalized, only to be later followed by “Uh…guys, I think he had a…change of heart….”

7. Spelilng errors⁴ - A spelling error (or grammar, punctuation or diction, it’s just generalization) in a class test, and the teachers and parents are gonna give you a good one. A spelling error (or grammar, punctuation or diction, it’s still generalization) in your latest article? May heaven have mercy on your soul…Amen!

¹ Hara- Kiri – suicide or any suicidal action; a self-destructive act. (Japanese, equivalent to hara belly + kiri cut)

² A more common alternative is John Terry, but Chelsea fans don’t jump into his defense and the oppositions inbox nearly as much. (hate messages everywhere)

³ You should see how the people swear these days, so colorful and innovative, I wonder if they have actually made developing new swear words a proper profession (and if it is exempted from income tax, I’m gonna sign up)

⁴ Yes, yes it’s intentional..