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Can England still qualify for the knockout stages of the World Cup? Yes, they can!
I’m no Aryabhatta. I’m no Stephen Hawking. Hell, I’m not even a school graduate. But I may just have the solution. Mathematicians the world over are proclaiming with great conviction that England are well and truly out of the FIFA World Cup, that it is ‘arithmetically and virtually impossible’ for England to qualify to the round of sixteen. Pundits the world over are calling England the first victims to succumb in the group of death. But to those naysayers I say, I may just have the solution.
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No, Frank Duckworth and Tony Lewis did not approach me with another farcical equation, that I have claimed my own and am professing as the solution to you. No, it is not E=MC2 . No, it certainly was not invoked by some apple that magically and miraculously fell on my head or when I got snug as a bug in a rug while taking a beauty bath in my tub, for this revelation is much more Earth-shattering than any of the above.
Call me vain if you may, but this solution is nothing short of a miracle. It’s radical. It’s diabolical. It’s revolutionary. It’s England’s ticket to the World Cup’s round of sixteen. Eureka, Eureka! I’ve found the solution. Or solutions, rather. For, while all the above scientists and mathematicians may have come up with a single solution, I have come up with a bunch of solutions. So, if one of my foolproof, ingenious solutions does not work (for whatever bizarre reason), another of mine will for sure. God save the Queen.
Solution A: Added Time
If you are indeed reading this, Roy Hodgson, breathe a nice, long sigh of relief. First things first. Time is of the essence – get yourself out of the FA head office before they sack you. Oh, never mind, because even if they do give you the boot, you need not worry. For, time is not of the essence, in fact, time and tide wait for any man willing to experiment with its sands. Now, you can do any one of the following:
1) Get your swimsuit, scuba-diving kit and false teeth and row out into the Pacific ocean. Then explore the depths of the ocean. Once you delve deep enough, you will find yourself not in the Lost City of Atlantis (which doesn’t exist, I can’t imagine how people are delusional enough to actually think it exists), but in the much more real Derek Drymon created Bikini Bottom. To confirm your doubts about whether it is indeed Bikini Bottom that you find yourself in, and not the lost city of Atlantis (honestly, it does not exist), look around yourself.
If you spot a mentally unstable talking sponge, a starfish with lower IQ than Joey Barton, a crab more miserly than Arsene Wenger, or a squid whose dancing is uncannily similar to that of Daniel Sturridge, then you can be surer than death and taxes that you’re where you’re supposed to be. Do not, I repeat, do NOT get into any dealings with any of the characters mentioned above, come hell or high water, because once you do, there’s no turning the tide.
To avoid this, have Shrek (read England’s and Manchester United’s beloved number 10) keep the talking sponge busy, and out of your (nearly exhausted) hair. Once you’ve got SpongeBob occupied, approach Squidward and get your hands on the time machine in the Krusty Krab. The rest will be history. And future. And present.?
2) If cartoons are not your thing and you’re as inept at scuba-diving as you are at tactics, and you’re quite the movie junkie, get well acquainted with the Hollywood actor of your choice, they’ve all been time travelers in some movie or the other. If it’s style you’re pursuing, sweet-talk Tom Cruise into letting you in on his secret to initiating the time loop from Edge Of Tomorrow. If you prefer dramatics (I’m not sure about you, but Sturridge does for sure), get your hands on the “one ring that rules them all, one ring that binds them.”
Leighton Baines and his iconic (alas, no more!) sideburns could earn you a chance to do so on the sets, if he auditioned for the role of Frodo Baggins. If you’re looking for something more mindblowing than Danny Welbeck’s quicker than lightning step-overs, then Leonardo DiCaprio’s Inception should do the job (I know, it doesn’t involve time travel, but it’s just so confusing). The possibilities are endless. And sooner or later, you’re bound to beat Italy or Uruguay. Ask Shrek to pitch in too.
Solution B: Bond with the Bond
Steven Gerrard may not have had the most memorable last couple of games in the World Cup, or ended the Premier League Season how he’d have hoped to, but the current Kop-king has now been handed a shot at redemption. The slippery Merseysider, who has been touted to be the next James Bond by none other than current Bond-man Daniel Craig, could be England’s saviour at Brazil, if he decides to exercise some of his influence – as part of the Secret Service.
It’s not hard to figure out why Steven Gerrard is so heavily favoured as the next Bond, what with his penchant for a swanky ride and his abundance of ammunition in his canon of a right foot, not to mention his ‘slick’ demeanour and his ‘Skyfall’ this season. All Stevie G has to do now for the three lions to progress to the next round of the World Cup, is capture and hold hostage the president of the United States. That works every single time.
Solution C: Do it on a console
EA Sports’ latest addition to the larger than life (and certainly Raheem Sterling) FIFA franchise, ‘2014 FIFA World Cup Brazil’ should be Roy Hodgson’s pass for qualification. It’s almost as if this game has been tailor-made for the English team, for, not only has it been wildly generous in granting players like Chris Smalling and Glen Johnson overall ratings higher than their worth in Pounds, but its game modes also include something called ‘Story of Finals’, wherein England can reverse all their losses in the history of the World Cup, of which I lost track a long time ago.
This means that England, the perennial underperformers, can make themselves the perennial overachievers; at least on the EA Sports leaderboards. What’s more, with proven FIFA pros like James Milner and Joe Hart in their ranks, who they say is as good with the joysticks as he is between the sticks, they could, possibly, qualify for the round of sixteen, on a difficulty level higher than ‘amateur’. The good part? They can have as many tries as they want. The amazing part? Roy Hodgson won’t manage the team. And that is a sure shot at success.
God save the Queen. And her Three Lions. And Shrek too.
