Humour: Five ways to stop Gareth Bale from performing against your team

Disclaimer: The opinions expressed are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect those of the site. The article is meant to be in jest and is not intended to offend anyone.

He’s robust, he’s pacy, he’s skillful, in the form of his life, has a knack for scoring some absolute scorchers and before I run short of superlatives, he’s currently, one of the most exciting British talents who’s taking the Premier League by storm. Comparisons with the present two best footballers in the world don’t really present a strong case for themselves yet, but one has to acknowledge the fact that even against the strongest of defences, he can be absolutely unplayable on his day (Maicon sighs). Therefore, here we are, looking at five ways to drag the Welsh Wizard back to the days when he was an awkward 17-year-old Spurs jinx.

1. Throw the stats and the statisticians out of the window

With the evolution of the modern game, every team now possesses a dedicated bunch of video analysts and statisticians hired to keep an eye on a player’s each and every move on the pitch. Ever counted the number of times your favourite footballer swears at the match officials in disgust? Don’t worry, there’ll be a guy sitting somewhere in the stands, getting paid to do just that. Sadly, numbers and tactics fail to comprehend in the case of Gareth Bale. Proof? Last Monday, Uncle Sam apparently, ‘tried’ to stop Bale by cutting his supply line. The result? 89 minutes on the clock, 30 yards from goal, Whack! Boom! Allardyce and his chewing gum couldn’t do a thing.

Pretty useless stuff, really.

2. Remind him of the Luka Modric situation at Real Madrid

A spate of dazzling performances this season have sent the rumour mill into overdrive which has subsequently led us to believe that the Spanish giants will try to woo Bale away to the Bernabeu next summer. Taking into account Spurs Chairman Daniel Levy’s (yeah, that evil bald guy) knack for ripping Real off for bucket-loads of money, it is a little daunting to ignore the newspapers. Safe to say, Modric’s (the little blonde guy with buck teeth and gooey eyes, if you remember) start to his Madrid career has been a little short of spectacular. A video compilation of Modric’s woeful performances there coupled with an official copy of the Marca survey which voted him the worst La Liga signing this season should set Bale straight. Yes, this is precisely the moment when you regret opening this article.

Because inspiration can be found in the strangest of places

3. Build an impenetrable wall in front of goal to stop the free kicks

The pace, the curl, the swirl, the whip, the dip, the power, the accuracy, straight up, straight in and voila! We have the perfect free-kick. There’s something about Bale’s precise left foot which can leave the best goal keepers in the world a little wanting even on their best days.

Bale shares his secret: “Make sure your standing foot is on the inside of the ball, hit the outside of the ball with your striking foot to curl it and follow through with that foot for power.”

Here’s what the keepers make of it: “Blah bleh blu bla outside bluh foot blah power.” Utter gibberish, I’d say. This concludes the fact if you want to stop a Gareth Bale stunner from going in, concrete is your best friend, not a keeper. May the force be with you.

4. Ban the concept of a one -man team

Gareth Bale has scored 15 out of Spurs’ 47 goals this season, 8 of them coming in the last 6 appearances, resulting in various uninformed connoisseurs labelling them as a ‘one man team’ (stats say otherwise) despite significant contributions from players like Dembele, Vertonghen and Defoe among others. Now, for the sake of the amount of ridicule in this article, we will assume that Bale is the guy who thrives on this ‘one man army’ tag. Get all the football stadiums to sign a ‘no one man team’ injunction, the footballing world will be subsequently deprived of the Messis, the Falcaos, the Ibrahimovics and our very own Bale. Apocalypse will strike and we’ll all watch the world burn, a climax more absurd than that of a 1960′s Bollywood movie. Yes, we admit this is officially a new low point for this piece. Please bear with us for the fifth point.

Sometimes, no caption is the best caption

5. Declare his celebration antics illegal and against the spirit of the game

Disclaimer – This point has been included in this article because the title said ‘five ways’ and the author couldn’t think of the fifth one. So he decided to make the article even more disgracefully meaningless than it already was.

Gareth Bale’s post- goal celebration includes making a hand gesture in the shape of a heart which also happens to bear a striking resemblance to the beloved pose of the teen heartthrob Justin Bieber. Period. While just the mere mention of the name should make me slam my laptop against the wall, I’ll get a hold of myself and stick around until I finish this piece. Though Bale has already confessed that the gesture is a tribute to his childhood sweet- heart, we’ll pretend that it happens to be downright offensive and is right up there with racism when it comes to stuff that is wrong with football.

*smashes laptop against the wall.

Errrr