Humour: UEFA Goal Line Referee displays a pulse in game between Arsenal and Bayern Munich

The goal line referee awarded Arsenal a goal after Mesut Ozil’s shot was saved by Bayern Munich’s Manuel Neuer

The shock waves that originated yesterday are still reverberating throughout the footballing world. For the first time in history, a goal line referee awarded a goal after spotting that the ball had crossed over the line before the goalkeeper made what looked like an amazing save. What was even more remarkable was that this was the same goalkeeper who was involved in a “save” in a World Cup game.

After that shameful decision, there were cries for goal line technology. FIFA adopted it, but UEFA balked. “We don’t need the soulless precision of Goal Line Technology,” declared UEFA President Michael Platitudini. “We just need more referees.”

Thus were born not just a goal line ref at each goal, but also a fourth official on the sideline, whose only contributions seem to be to hold up the sign showing the amount of extra time and letting the vociferous complaints of manager go swiftly into one ear and out the other. Till yesterday’s earth-shattering event, it was even less clear what the goal line referees’ contributions were supposed to be.

The goal line referees themselves did nothing to help matters – by doing precisely nothing. People began to question whether they were just 3-D cutouts. When UEFA insisted they were real, back came the question: “Do they have a pulse?”

Till yesterday, UEFA had been stymied by this question. Then, a goal line ref awarded Arsenal a goal against Bayern Munich and the world would never be the same again.

In the delight that embraced every English speaking corner and crevice of The Emirates, few noticed Arsenal’s medical staff rush over to check on the goal line ref who had made the call. They were flabbergasted to find that he did have a pulse and seemed to be in perfectly good health and spirits.

Hasty notes were made to authenticate this discovery. Look for a paper from the Arsenal medical staff in the coming months in the British Journal of Medicine. In the press conference, Arsene Wenger noted that the Gunners have a very distinguished medical staff, to which one wit was heard to remark, “With the likes of Diaby and Wilshere, you’d need one, wouldn’t you?”

However, it hasn’t been all Kumbaya. There is a dark side to this story that has gone unreported. The referee who made the call has not been seen since the game. No one even knows his name. If you don’t believe me, look at the game reports from varied sources in the press.

Calls to UEFA to confirm his identity have been met with stony silence. Questions have been raised again whether he was actually a referee or a streaker who got confused because he had forgotten to take off his clothes. Emirates security unequivocally deny the presence of any streakers at the game. “Well, how would they know if he forgot to take his clothes?” came the swift retort.

Aerial views confirm Ozil’s shot had crossed the goal line

Things have taken a sinister turn with rumours of death threats. No, no, not from Bayern supporters. Their reaction to the controversy was entirely predictable – they drank more beer. The threats appear to be from fellow referees. Apparently, taps on phone lines associated with the Blather-Platitudini investigations turned up the following exchange with the unnamed goal line hero.

Voice: You fool, why on earth did you make that stupid call?

Hero: What do you mean ‘stupid’? That ball was clearly over the line.

Voice: Exactly.

Hero: But if I hadn’t made that call, it would have been all over the news.

Voice: Precisely.

Hero: Huh?

Voice: You idiot. Remember what Platitudini promised. “No Goal Line Technology. If there are more mistakes, we will put more referees, six, seven, whatever it takes”.

Hero: Oh, my God… you mean…

Voice: Of course, you imbecile. We have been playing dead all these years, waiting for exactly this type of moment to come along. Heck, we have even been secretly funding Platitudini’s campaign to replace the disgraced Blather. He hates you too – he is worried we may back out. Damn, we could have had more referees than players, like they have in American football. All blown to hell in one stupid second.

Hero (sobbing): Oh, dear God …

Voice: Look, there are people screaming for your head. I have half a mind to give it to them. You have made a lot of people unhappy. There is only one thing you can do.

Hero (still sobbing): Anything.

Voice: We have to start all over again. That means people need to forget you. You go away. You never speak of this to anybody. Most of all, you never set foot anywhere near a football field. That means you see two kids kicking a can down an alley, you walk away. Savvy?

Hero (almost wailing): I am so, so sorry.

Voice: Ah, get a move on before I change my mind. (Hangs up and mutters) I am getting too soft in my old age.

If you go into a pub some day and come across someone with a pulse claiming to have been a UEFA goal line referee, take his hand, lead him discreetly outside, take him home and tuck him into bed. It is the least you can do for a bona fide hero.