If Footballers were Superheroes

With all the hoopla surrounding Batman, Spiderman, The Avengers and the upcoming “Man of Steel”, it’s hard not to be thinking of superheroes at the moment. My inner geek has been fighting my inner wannabe-sports jock for quite a while now. So, given my constant tendency to daydream like a 5-year old, I guess it was only inevitable for me to imagine - “What if footballers were superheroes?”

Carlos Tevez – Beast (X-men)

Carlos Tevez was born harboring a genetic mutation that was passed on hereditarily. Surprisingly. the mutation remained latent in the early years of his life. However, football was about to change that for good. Growing up in the hardcore, amoral confines of Fort Apache, young Carlos soon realized that football for him meant either going hard, or going home. He soon developed a ferocious personality on and off the pitch, which only served to aggravate his mutation. This led to a full manifestation in his adolescence, giving him superhuman physical strength, speed and grit. Also, as per the X-men comics, throughout his history, the Beast undergoes progressive transformations to his physiognomy. Likewise, Carlos Tevez just fixed his teeth.

Yayyyyyy!

Gianluigi Buffon – Spiderman

Born in Carrara, Tuscany to a family of natural athletes, Gigi Buffon was born into a pressure to perform. This obviously had scarring effects on the tender child. As Gigi sat sobbing under the dingy stands of local club Parma on a gloomy Sunday morning, he was bitten by a radioactive, Golden-Glove winning spider. The fragile kid was suddenly transformed into a strong, confident and super-agile athlete; one that, in the years to come, would do his entire athlete family oh so proud. And as the spider gods would have it, both Parma goalkeepers received injuries that very same day. He was subbed in and then began his illustrious career in shot-sopping. Saves made with such grace, Buffon would put even Black Swan ballerinas to shame. He then made his move to Juventus to protect the city of Turin. Most superheroes fight criminals to clean the streets; Buffon fought attackers to keep clean sheets.

If that isn’t superhero reflex, then I don’t know what is.

Theo Walcott – The Flash

Rescued at a young age from evil Scouser parents by the magnanimous Professor Wenger, Theo grew up flying Emirates and playing the Arsenal way. Arsenal FC had recently lost their King to greener pastures and were out of funds and options for a successor. Time was running out for the Professor, and so he resigned himself to sacrificing the young Theo for a morally questionable genetics project at Arsenal to create a young footballing superpower. The project wasn’t exactly a success but hey, at least he could run twice as fast as the average footballer!

Run, Walcott, Run!

The Flash was born. The Flash has trouble harnessing the power of his amazing ability. He spends most of his time on the pitch dribbling at ridiculous pace only to lose the ball seconds later. Time will tell if his superpower will ever become relevant, or whether he will be consigned to superhero mediocrity alongside Catwoman and Aquaman.

Sergio Busquets – Aquaman

‘Twas a great father-son tradition in the Busquets family to go flying over the Mediterranean in the summers. However, one tragic evening, their plane hit massive turbulence over the Mediterranean Sea, forcing it to rip at the centre. A fall from such a high altitude was sure to kill young Sergio, but miraculously the boy survived. Doctors, scientists, marine biologists and even theologists put it down to the boy’s extraordinary ability – Diving.

Since embarking on a footballing career, Busquets has managed to leverage this gift to become a vital cog in the machine that is FC Barcelona.

Lionel Messi – Superman

What do you get when you take all the superpowers ever thought of, and then roll them all into one single person? Well, Superman, of course. Lionel Messi was saved from Planet Newell’s Old Boys, moments before its destruction, by Carles Rexach, Sporting Director of FC Barcelona, and delivered to La Masia. Superman soon became a symbol of hope for the Catalans as he became the central figure in a charge towards every single club honour for FC Barcelona.

He’s the superhero all the other superheroes can only dream of becoming. However, he faces an arch-enemy of almost equal stature in the form of Lex Luthor aka Cristiano Ronado, who’s only remaining goal is to destroy Superman as a stepping stone to world domination.

Petr Cech – Batman.

I mean, he just has to be Batman, now doesn’t he?

NaNaNaNaNaNaNa Batman!