Inter Milan and the Mannequin system

After yet another sacking, Inter Milan chief Massimo Moratti has decided to put a stop to the trend of wasting money on experienced managers and instead use mannequins. Moratti explained to us that he did not have to waste much money when it came to firing the coach when the team is under-performing and also that fresh faces in the dressing room ensures that the players play better for a game or two.

A section of the assortment of mannequins bought by Moratti.

“We just have had to fire 1345 coaches in the last year or so and we’ve been wasting money annulling the contracts every two/three days. In light of all these, and despite so many changes the team has still been woefully off radar, we have decided to not waste anymore money on recruiting new coaches,” Moratti said to the group of journalists who had gathered there, including a few mannequins.

The chief added that they have bought a few that look exactly like Jose Mourinho and Helenio Herera in the hope that the players might play much better seeing a more accomplished manager on the sidelines.

When we asked Mourinho about Inter’s moves to buy a mannequin that looks like him, he quickly asked whether it could gouge out eyes like he did if they lost a derby before running away looking for Marco Materazzi.

Inter will also use snowmen as managers during the Christmas season.

The Nerazzurri players themselves were keen on the idea as they felt they perform best when they have a new manager for every game. They also added that it would be easy to celebrate with the coach when the win the trophy as throwing Martin Jol up and then catching him would prove to be a very arduous task should they win a trophy.

The 66 year old club president went on to say that his board had come up with many ideas to try and stem the rot some of which he chose to divulge.

“We had thought of many things, including enticing all our opponents to play Fernando Torres in attack but none of that worked. We also tried to play La Liga instead, we were sure to end up third there, but Nagamoto complained that he couldn’t understand Spanish so we had to drop that idea too.”

“Re-signing Ibrahimovic was an option too, but he wasn’t an Argentine and we had to quickly look at other options. Finally, we decided on the best possible one.”

Moratti also revealed that they plan to use the mannequin system to their advantage commercially before proudly announcing that there would be a lucky draw system and the winners will get to stand as mannequins for the entire duration.

Before he trudged off Moratti signed off saying that he is working closely with Chelsea on the mannequin system and that Roman Abramovic is very enthusiastic about the possibility. Our sources tell us that Chelsea have already placed a 42 million offer for the Mourinho mannequin.