[Humour] Jackson Martinez explains why he snubbed Arsenal

Greetings, my sapient friends. I am currently using the power of a 5-dimensional Tesseract to send gravity across space and time to press buttons on an unmanned NSA laptop to send you this electronic epistle.

It may seem like I have been gone for months but due to the gravitational pull of a nearby collapsed star in the solar system I am in it has been mere days for me. I am currently assisting Prime Senator Shat Parp on the planet Andipeters in warfare against the evil General Hony Tadley. The Prime Senator and the General have been engaged in a bitter power struggle for the right to rule over Andipeters.

I cannot divulge much of my role, our tactics or our counter-intelligence in case it is accidentally indexed on Earth and falls into the hands of Hony Tadley and his RuNomantic rebels.

I do, however, have news of Arsenal.

By now you will probably have all been made aware by the forces of evil and misinformation on Earth – the tabloid media – that Jackson Martinez has agreed a deal to join Spanish club Atletico Madrid. After so much interest from Arsenal – with daily reports of Arsenal’s impending bid from The Sun and The Mirror – it may have been a shock to you to hear the Colombian would be wearing the red and white of another club.

Allow me to ease your minds and soothe your souls with the true reasons for why Martinez is not a Gunner. You may hear tell in the coming days that Wenger “dithered” and as such was beaten to the post by Atletico but this is not true. Time moves differently on Andipeters and things that will happen in your future are already part of Andipeters’ past.

I have access to a wealth of Earth’s history – history that is yet to occur in your time. I can exclusively reveal to you today why Jackson Martinez snubbed Arsenal by way of this newspaper excerpt from the Earth year 2029.

Jackson entered the room in an expertly tailored reflective chrome style suit – the year might be 2029 but he still looked a right prat. He sat down in front of me ready to start our interview but before we got into the crux of it we engaged in some idle chit-chat.

The interview was almost over before it began when asked what I thought of the current best-selling novel and commented that I didn’t believe wiping your arse on paper, putting it in a hardback cover and charging £24.99 really constituted writing nor should 318 pages of Rorschach blots made of shit stains even be called a “book”.

Martinez was incensed I should have the temerity to defame his prized signed copy of 63 Shades Of Grey – the star of his 28 book collection from the incomprehensibly untalented writer of coffee table porn.

A little sweet talking later I had managed to convince Martinez to stay for the interview but it was clear he was rankled and some of my delving questions might push him out the door so they were tabled for the now.

We get down to the main reason we are here with a question about just missing out on a testimonial at Spurs. Martinez expresses his regret that Tottenham manager Daniel Levy wasn’t prepared to extend his contract by just 6 months so he could qualify for a testimonial in front of the fans who have taken him into their hearts like club legends Emmanuel Adebayor, Roberto Soldado and Danny Rose.

He says that this is football and whilst it would have been nice to say goodbye properly he will always cherish his time at Tottenham. A polish answer from a media savvy footballer.

We press on and I remind him how different it could have been had he signed for Arsenal in the summer of 2015. Jackson smiled wryly at this and jovially accuses me of trying to sell papers by whipping up a frenzy amongst the Spurs faithful. I assured him I was only trying to get a wider idea of his impressive career and he relaxed. A little flattery works wonders and it certainly helped turn Jackson into an affable and self-effusive orator.

Martinez recounts in startling detail the summer of 2015 and his protracted and unsuccessful transfer to Arsenal.

“Well, I knew Arsenal wanted me from a few seasons before but for a long time they could not afford me. In 2015, they were in need of a striker but they could not meet Porto’s valuation. Arsenal wanted a player plus cash deal and tabled a bid of Sanogo, a London bus pass with 2 days left on it, £1.87p and a new pack of Wrigley’s Spearmint chewing gum – the stick kind, not the tablet kind.

“My agent felt this was a really good deal for all concerned and worked really hard to make it happen but Porto were insistent on a cash only deal.

“Weeks of negotiation got the two clubs at a point where I was able to open discussions on personal terms with Mr Wenger. I flew in secret to Switzerland where I met Mr Wenger in Schilthorn at Piz Gloria to discuss terms. We had a nice meal and spoke candidly of where Wenger saw me in the team. It was agreed that I would initially start as backup to Giroud whilst I acclimatised to the league but eventually would become the star striker.

“We spent a great deal of time haggling over remuneration and a good few hours proving my age after I told Mr Wenger I remembered the restaurant we were in from the great George Lazenby’s Bond film in the cinema.

“Mr Wenger was suspicious about the veracity of my passport and birth certificate because the film was released so long ago but his mind was put at ease eventually when I managed to convince him in Colombia it takes a long time to get new films and that before I moved to Porto I was looking forward to seeing who would take over from the very funny Mr Roger Moore and was shocked to find there had been three more Bonds since!

“Mr Wenger had offered me a good contract – I was going to be paid in Wotsits and given a spacious apartment to live in. The apartment turned out to be a converted Mertesacker shoe-box but apart from the constant new shoe smell you would never have known!

“We were just finishing up with the expectation I would officially sign the next week and be presented to the press when I said to Mr Wenger that maybe we should continue the Bond theme and do the signing at Casino Royale. We both chuckled and Mr Wenger asked me if I was a Bond fan and that was when things turned sour. Mr Wenger said that you cannot beat the original Bond, Sean Connery, but that he was beginning to enjoy the series again after the silliness of Roger Moore and Pierce Brosnan.

“I said that I enjoyed the comedy of those films but agreed Mr Daniel Craig had revitalised the franchise. I expressed my hope they would continue this theme with the next Bond and would get someone as good as the great George Lazenby and Mr Wenger laughed at me! He actually laughed at me. He said Lazenby was an over-preened log with acting ability more wooden than his head.

“I threw my cold soup over him and left. I never spoke to him until three years ago when I shook his hand at the North London derby out of respect for his 30 years as Arsenal manager. And do you know what he did!? The cheeky bastard pulled me close and whispered in my ear “Lazenby is still shit but not as shit as you me old mucker!”.

Anyway – after the incident in Schilthorn I flew back to Porto and told the President I would never join Arsenal and soon signed for Atletico – you know the rest of my story.”

Indeed I did. Martinez’s story after that was an epic tale of boom and bust – although I am certain he would see it differently. Three years as Atletico’s top scorer saw him earn a big money move to Tottenham in January 2020 and he went on to score 45 goals in his first 8 years at the club finishing as top scorer in 6 of those seasons. Jackson certainly made an impression on the league becoming the oldest outfield player since Teddy Sheringham when he came on against Burton Albion in March aged 42.

So there you have it. A disagreement over who was the best James Bond is the true reason for Martinez snubbing Arsenal. I won’t spoil what happened in that season for Arsenal but you may be interested to know that Daniel Craig’s successor as Bond was Harry Styles.

Stay cuddly. Ted out.