[Humour] Jackson Martinez explains why he snubbed Arsenal

We press on and I remind him how different it could have been had he signed for Arsenal in the summer of 2015. Jackson smiled wryly at this and jovially accuses me of trying to sell papers by whipping up a frenzy amongst the Spurs faithful. I assured him I was only trying to get a wider idea of his impressive career and he relaxed. A little flattery works wonders and it certainly helped turn Jackson into an affable and self-effusive orator.

Martinez recounts in startling detail the summer of 2015 and his protracted and unsuccessful transfer to Arsenal.

“Well, I knew Arsenal wanted me from a few seasons before but for a long time they could not afford me. In 2015, they were in need of a striker but they could not meet Porto’s valuation. Arsenal wanted a player plus cash deal and tabled a bid of Sanogo, a London bus pass with 2 days left on it, £1.87p and a new pack of Wrigley’s Spearmint chewing gum – the stick kind, not the tablet kind.

“My agent felt this was a really good deal for all concerned and worked really hard to make it happen but Porto were insistent on a cash only deal.

“Weeks of negotiation got the two clubs at a point where I was able to open discussions on personal terms with Mr Wenger. I flew in secret to Switzerland where I met Mr Wenger in Schilthorn at Piz Gloria to discuss terms. We had a nice meal and spoke candidly of where Wenger saw me in the team. It was agreed that I would initially start as backup to Giroud whilst I acclimatised to the league but eventually would become the star striker.

“We spent a great deal of time haggling over remuneration and a good few hours proving my age after I told Mr Wenger I remembered the restaurant we were in from the great George Lazenby’s Bond film in the cinema.

“Mr Wenger was suspicious about the veracity of my passport and birth certificate because the film was released so long ago but his mind was put at ease eventually when I managed to convince him in Colombia it takes a long time to get new films and that before I moved to Porto I was looking forward to seeing who would take over from the very funny Mr Roger Moore and was shocked to find there had been three more Bonds since!

“Mr Wenger had offered me a good contract – I was going to be paid in Wotsits and given a spacious apartment to live in. The apartment turned out to be a converted Mertesacker shoe-box but apart from the constant new shoe smell you would never have known!

“We were just finishing up with the expectation I would officially sign the next week and be presented to the press when I said to Mr Wenger that maybe we should continue the Bond theme and do the signing at Casino Royale. We both chuckled and Mr Wenger asked me if I was a Bond fan and that was when things turned sour. Mr Wenger said that you cannot beat the original Bond, Sean Connery, but that he was beginning to enjoy the series again after the silliness of Roger Moore and Pierce Brosnan.

“I said that I enjoyed the comedy of those films but agreed Mr Daniel Craig had revitalised the franchise. I expressed my hope they would continue this theme with the next Bond and would get someone as good as the great George Lazenby and Mr Wenger laughed at me! He actually laughed at me. He said Lazenby was an over-preened log with acting ability more wooden than his head.

“I threw my cold soup over him and left. I never spoke to him until three years ago when I shook his hand at the North London derby out of respect for his 30 years as Arsenal manager. And do you know what he did!? The cheeky bastard pulled me close and whispered in my ear “Lazenby is still shit but not as shit as you me old mucker!”.

Anyway – after the incident in Schilthorn I flew back to Porto and told the President I would never join Arsenal and soon signed for Atletico – you know the rest of my story.”

Indeed I did. Martinez’s story after that was an epic tale of boom and bust – although I am certain he would see it differently. Three years as Atletico’s top scorer saw him earn a big money move to Tottenham in January 2020 and he went on to score 45 goals in his first 8 years at the club finishing as top scorer in 6 of those seasons. Jackson certainly made an impression on the league becoming the oldest outfield player since Teddy Sheringham when he came on against Burton Albion in March aged 42.

So there you have it. A disagreement over who was the best James Bond is the true reason for Martinez snubbing Arsenal. I won’t spoil what happened in that season for Arsenal but you may be interested to know that Daniel Craig’s successor as Bond was Harry Styles.

Stay cuddly. Ted out.