Satire: Jose Mourinho's guide to becoming a top manager

Jose Mourinho in a press conference

Follow these six simple steps to achieve managerial success like Jose Mourinho:

1. Make a statement. “I intend to give my best, to improve things and to create the football team in relation to my image and my football philosophy…We have top players and sorry if I’m arrogant, we have a top manager… I’m not a defender of old or new football managers. I believe in good ones and bad ones, those that achieve success and those that don’t…Please don’t call me arrogant, but I’m European champion and I think I’m a special one.” -an extract from Jose Mourinho’s legendary interview upon his arrival at Stamford Bridge in 2004.

2. Play mind games. This can be done in two ways. The first is where you concede defeat, say your team is out of the title race and that your opponents are favorites to win. This will give them a false sense of confidence. The other way to play mind games is to undermine your opponents by making derogatory comments on their manager, owner and also on their dependance on the referee to win.

3. Learn how to make a good omelette, eggs are a good source of protein. “Omelettes, eggs. No eggs, no omelettes. And it depends on the quality of the eggs in the supermarket. They are class one, two or three, and some are more expensive than others and some give you better omelettes. When the class one eggs are not available you have a problem.”

4. Teach your players an important life skill – parking a bus. This will come in handy during crucial matches. Remember, it is okay for your team to incorporate negative tactics. However, if your opponents try the same, they are playing nineteenth century football.

5. If a player is accused of committing a foul, don’t just defend him. Make sure you go on to accuse the opponent of diving, cheating and unsporting behavior.

6. Work hard, party harder. Celebrate by running around the stadium once you get your desired result(note that the word used is result, not victory). Don’t let the adversary stop you, don’t even let the adversary’s ninety thousand fans stop you.

In addition to these simple rules, be professional, be charismatic and most importantly, be special.