Humour: David Moyes's half-time team talk in Manchester United's match with Stoke

With the help of our mole in the Manchester United dressing room, we were able to get a hold of David Moyes’s half-time team talk during the match versus Stoke. The team came in with the scoreline reading 1-2 to Stoke, so naturally Moyes was not pleased.

Here’s what happened:

(Players enter the dressing room, disappointed. Everyone settles down and listens to the gaffer)

David Moyes: Why do you all hate me so much? Is it because of the cologne I am wearing, because I can change that?

Rooney (shocked to hear this): What are you talking about, Boss?! We don’t hate you!

David Moyes: Well you allowed Stoke City, STOKE F***ING CITY, to score two goals in 45 minutes. FFS, even Peter Crouch scored! How else can I explain it, apart from the fact that you guys are deliberately doing this so I get sacked?

Vidic (listening all the time, talks): Boss, we are 2-1 down at home against Stoke. Why don’t we talk about the match?

David Moyes: Alright, okay, you are right Vida. What do you think we should do, Vida?

Vidic: Well, do you remember that request I made last week? I think you should grant me my wish.

David Moyes: NO VIDA! NO! For the last time, I cannot allow you to kill Nani. Definitely not on company property. Besides, it will be too much of a hassle to move his body, considering he really likes to lay down.

(Nani bumps into a wall and demands a freekick. Nobody pays him any attention)

David de Gea: Guys, I am sorry I let that free-kick in. My bad. (munches on a doughnut)

Rooney: Not your fault, David.

David Moyes: Thanks Wayne, that means a lot to me, coming from you.

(De Gea drops his doughnut and storms out. Comes back to pick up the doughnut)

Rooney: Ya, umm, sure.

Shinji Kagawa: If we lose, Kagawa bring shame to his family. To protect honour, Kagawa must kill self.

David Moyes: Okay, everyone needs to stop talking about killing someone or themselves. Now think, what can we do to win?

Robin van Persie: Give the ball to me, maybe?

David Moyes: Good one, Robin. Anyone else?

Jonny Evans: Don’t let Crouch head the ball?

David Moyes: Good boy Jonny! Here, you get another gold star!

(A delighted Evans skips about the room, celebrating his second gold star. He got the first one when he pushed Ferdinand down the stairs and injured his back)

Nani (jealous of Evans’s gold star, speaks up): Shoot whenever you get the ball?

David Moyes: NO! Bad Nani, very bad! You get a black star.

Patrice Evra: WHAT! What did you just say? Oh, so just because he is black he gets a black star? RACISM, RACISM!!!!

David Moyes: Oh god, not this again! How the hell did Sir Alex get this team to win the title?

Disclaimer: If you haven’t guessed by now, this is a work of fiction, to be taken in a light vein.