Liverpool's January Transfer window - In praise of Ian Ayre

Ian Ayre

“I am as disappointed as anyone connected with Liverpool Football Club that we were unable to add further to our strike force (first team) in this summer (window) transfer window, but that was not through any lack of desire or effort on the part of all of those involved. They pushed hard in the final days of the transfer window on a number of forward targets, and it is unfortunate that on this occasion we were unable to conclude acceptable deals to bring those targets in.”

There you have it – the opening paragraph of the latest bi-annual edition for Liverpool fans exclusively penned down by Mr. John W. Henry, the owner of the club. Of course, a couple of changes hither and thither later, this timeless piece will be forced down the Kopites’ throats next summer as well. Also, do watch this space for uncut previews and behind-the-scenes footage of LFCTV’s new series, Ian-Ayre-I-Am-The-Man (you heard it here first).

If Ian Ayre’s terrible performance in the hilarious documentary Being: Liverpool (what’s with the colon anyway?) wasn’t deserving of a Razzie, he has now stamped his authority and marked his territory as dealbreaker-extraordinaire. Even his United counterpart, Ed Woodward, basking in the glory of Mata’s capture, was caught nodding appreciatively at Ayre’s precocious talent.

So what’s all this fuss about, you ask? Well, another botched-up transfer window and another 6-month vacation for the ‘transfer committee’ – that’s all. Liverpool’s past transfer window performances resemble the behaviour of a psychopath – a marquee target, excessive stalking, restraining order and BAM! a more “attractive suitor” (read Hot-spurs).

So, last summer, the stalking started with Henrikh Mkhitaryan and after brief flirtations with Diego Costa and Willian, the club ended with Mamadou Sakho, and a bag of chips – err Illori, Alberto, Moses and Cissokho. Well, the bag of chips would have been a better deal but hey – who knows better than the committee? Fast forward to January – Champions League spot for the taking, the club on the ascendancy, Anfield becoming a fortress again, happiness flowing through the gates at Melwood – and the master does it again.

Since his pheromones weren’t able to attract his first-love of the winter, Salah, who smartly preferred silver and Mourinho, Reds’ chief negotiator decided to travel to Ukraine in person, to bash his eyelids at Dnipro’s winger, Konoplyanka. After 3 days of tug-of-war with his match (in IQ level), Dnipro’s multi-billionaire president Ihor Kolomoyskyi, he returned to Liverpool, again with a bag of chips and the bewildered medical man, who has since contacted John Henry for permission to conduct an insanity test on Ian Ayre.

Amidst all this insanity, Rodgers still has to deliver Champions League football, as this season still represents the club’s best chance to rake in the moolah and have any chance of retaining a certain Uruguayan. Am I certain that they can do it? Yes. Do my views matter? Not so much. But whatever be the case, John Henry has to bring his house to order – kick Ayre out.