Making light of Manchester United's defeat to Tottenham

Disclaimer: This article is meant as a broad farce and satire. Any attempt to take its content seriously may prove injurious to health.

The biggest analogue in mythology to an average football supporter is probably a vampire. Like vampires, football supporters only come out into the open on particular occasions – whenever their team wins. Even more like vampires, they go hide in their little cubby holes on particular occasions too – specifically, when the team they support loses. If the loss is to a particularly fierce rival, then the sojourn into the cubby hole is long, dark, and full of tears. These moments find football fans at their most vulnerable – where thoughts of giving up support alternate with a desire to go injure particular parts of the opposition’s star player(s).

Having supported Manchester United for fifteen years now, I myself, am not immune to these mood swings and reactions. In fact, while following the most successful club in England, and the second-most successful major European club of the last decade (in terms of total number of trophies won), loss is often an alien ailment for us United supporters – one that takes us longer to recover from than your average Arsenal or Spurs or Liverpool supporter. I still remember how I actively avoided every single source of football news and opinion after United’s loss to Bayern Munich in April 2010 – so much so that I got to hear the news of Chicharito’s arrival at United a full four days late. The home derby mauling at the hands of City was another low point in my United-supporting life. My interest in life in general, and especially football shrunk so much that I nearly missed the first 10 minutes of United’s next game (against Everton at Goodison Park). Thankfully, the voice of my better angels prevented me from committing the aforementioned heresy.

As far as defeats go though, United’s loss to Tottenham on Saturday wasn’t one such depression-inducing incident. Here are a few things United fans can focus on, to ensure a quicker recovery from the sense of loss they felt.

Sir Alex’s Long Game: Sir Alex Ferguson was much offended by the amount of stoppage time added by the referee Chris Foy. This is what he had to say in the post-match press conference, “They gave us four minutes [injury time], that’s an insult to the game. It denies you a proper chance to win a football match.” Obviously, the United manager was reminding the cabal of Premier League referees of the meaning of Fergie Time. To the uninitiated, Fergie Time refers to the amount of injury time that the referee must necessarily add to the end of the second half, to allow United to win. By inserting this subtle reference into his statement, Fergie was reminding the likes of Howard Webb, Mark Halsey, and Chris Foy of their duty towards United; and illustrated once again, the United manager’s long game when it comes to ensuring United’s on-field success. Expect there to be ten minutes of injury time, the next time United are losing at the end of the 90 minutes.

William Gallas‘ Contact Lenses: With the second half, and United’s valiant attempts at a comeback in full swing, there were suddenly wild gestures from the heart of the Tottenham defense to the dugout. The flurry of activity attracted such an attention from the commentators, that they forgot to talk about Scholes running the game, and began talking about the long list of William Gallas’ injuries. When Gallas ran his way to the touchline during a break in play, the commentator said, “And it appears William Gallas is going off.” Of course, this statement conveniently ignored the fact that Gallas ran to the touchline, an unlikely event in itself even without the possibility of an injury. The truth, though, turned out to be stranger than fiction, because it turned out that Gallas had lost one of his contact lenses. As a fellow contact lens wearer who has the strongest version of “blurred vision syndrome” every time I don’t have my glasses or lenses on, I could sympathize with Gallas to the limit that I can sympathize with an ex-Gunner and an ex-Chelsea man (which is to say, I thought it was hilarious!). Of course, judging by the time he took to wear his lenses, I can only surmise that Gallas neglected to wash his hands before putting on the lens, thereby risking an eye infection, which would add to his already long list of injuries. Or he is indeed the world record holder for the fastest contact lens wearer in the history of contacts.

AVB’s “Making History” Comment: After the game, the Tottenham manager, Andre Villas-Boas commented on how the Spurs team on Saturday wrote history for the club, by defeating United at Old Trafford for the first time since 1989. While it was a historic moment for Spurs, it was also an equally historic moment for the Red Devils. I mean, seriously, just try putting yourself into their shoes, every time Spurs come to town. Every one expects them to roll Spurs over and secure the three points. Over the last twenty-three years, the pressure to win has only grown, year in year out. In 2005, Roy Carroll tried to lift the burden of the winning streak from United by letting Pedro Mendes’ speculative effort from the half-way line sneak over the line, but the linesman Rob Lewis and referee Mark Clattenburg failed to see what everyone else in the stadium and on television knew – the fact that the ball had indeed, crossed the line. What Carroll could not accomplish, the collective spirit of present-day Manchester United has achieved. Now that they have broken the streak, United can play Spurs with more freedom, and quietly go about building another winning streak against their opponents from Saturday.

Liverpool: And finally, any United supporter who is still feeling sad at United’s loss need only look at the Premier League table and find Liverpool’s name on it, for laughter to bubble up. To top it off, even their eternally optimistic Stevie-G had this to say about Liverpool’s prospects over the next few seasons, “It’ll be a miracle if we win the title before I finish.” Wise words from a Scouser, if ever there were any! And words to lift the heart of every United supporter in the world!