Humour: David Moyes admits that it still feels like Everton in the dugout

David Moyes

Manchester United lost 1-0 to Liverpool at Anfield to hand David Moyes his first defeat in-charge of Manchester United. After the match Moyes admitted that he felt like he was still at Everton.

Moyes said: “I thought Manchester United was all about winning. But drawing against Chelsea and losing at Anfield – it all seems very familiar.

“Moreover, I thought these people had the refs in their back pockets. I keep telling them that I know Fergie but all they do is deny my team penalties and tell me to stop whining.”

Asked about any potential signings before the transfer window closes, he lamented about the failed bids for Thiago, Fabregas, Baines, Fellaini and Herrera. “As soon as I tell them that it’s David Moyes on the line, they reject the offer commenting that Everton can’t afford to pay that much money. I tell them that I’m the Manchester United manager and they refuse to take me seriously. One club even scoffed at me, saying ‘Yeah, right!’,” said the despondent Manchester United manager.

United were playing sans their second-choice talisman, Wayne Rooney, who has been subject to lots of transfer speculation himself after reportedly asking for a move away from Manchester United. Rooney sustained a head wound in training, when an irate Nemanja Vidic seemingly headbutted him, hoping to knock some sense into him. Vidic then walked away to eat his protein rich post-training meal of babies and kittens as an inconsolable Moyes was left weeping over a mangled and bloody Wayne Rooney on the Carrington turf.

“Initially I was sad because the lad was showing signs of being back to his best, but then I thought about it and realized that this means I probably wouldn’t have to worry or think about Wayne for a while now,” explained a beaming Moyes.

“Talking about Rooney makes me feel more like a former Everton manager than the present Manchester United one,” said Moyes, the expression on his face changing to reflect his inner turmoil.

Things haven’t been all bad for Moyes though. He won his first ever piece of silverware, when United beat Wigan at Wembley to claim the Community Shield. And Moyes admits that it was a special night for him. “I wanted to celebrate but nobody else wanted to join in. So, I stole the trophy and took it home. I don’t think anyone’s noticed that it’s missing,” said Moyes with a sly smile on his face.

Moyes also spoke of his attempts to ask Sir Alex Ferguson for advice: “I called him up a few times, but after his retirement, he has decided to embrace his inner Rudolph and his red nose has become distinctly more reindeer-y. Now that Cathy has made sure he’s off the drugs for the cold he’s had for the past decade, I can’t understand anything he says, what with the constant sneezing and the over emphasized Scottish accent he puts on.”

When asked to comment on the actual match, Moyes admitted that he expected he’d be able to finally get one over Liverpool at Anfield. His confidence stemmed from United’s impressive performance against Chelsea last week and star player Van Persie’s seeming affinity for scoring against Merseyside teams. “Plus, they had Skrtel playing,” the former Everton manager concluded.

This work is entirely fictitious and is meant in jest. It should be taken as such, and anybody who is stupid enough to be offended by this deserves to be called a Manchester City fan.