October’s most under-pressure manager: Moyes lost all dignity in pursuit of his fuzz

In order to summarise David Moyes’ first few months as Manchester United manager, it’s necessary to paraphrase Seasick Steve. Moyes started out with nothing, and he’s still got most of it left. Oh David!

It started badly for him and went from there. During the summer, United acquired Marouane Fellaini but lost their dignity somewhere in the pursuit of his fuzz. They signed one first-team player when they required three or four. They publicly pursued Cesc Fabregas, Thiago Alacantra and Ander Herrera without any of them ending up smiling like Dumbo in a United shirt, and since then they’ve shown up just how much they needed those new players.

In the league, it’s been grim. United and Moyes lost to Liverpool and West Bromwich Albion, and they were smashed by Manchester City. They’ve hardly had a win this season that has been anything more than the minimum expected of them and the loss to West Brom dropped them below that mark overall. For the neutral, it has been very funny indeed. Even funnier, in fact, than Russell Howard or Josie Long. How funny could that be? Just imagine!

All of which combined means that Moyes is the Premier League manager most under pressure right now.

Everyone else around him spent the summer getting most of what they needed, whilst he spent the summer frantically attempting to get what he needed, then saying he didn’t need anything, then attempting to get what he needed a little bit more, then getting Maroune Fellaini. It’s clear cause and effect that his squad is short of where it needed to be and they’re ninth in the league.

It also isn’t good enough at a club which has done what it’s done in the last 20 years. The last disappointment of this scale at United was Anderson finding out that he in fact couldn’t eat 60 marshmallows in 60 seconds. Only 59.

On top of the lack of talent in his squad, Moyes has also compounded an already difficult situation by acting like a loser. He’s spent much of the season making up conspiracy theories about fixture lists. This, presumably, wasn’t what people were hoping for when they talked about a natural Alex Ferguson replacement. Ferguson talked nonsense in press conferences, but that wasn’t what made him a great manager, for the most part. Mainly it was about being a great manager.

When Moyes talks nonsense, it doesn’t make him look like Ferguson. It doesn’t go down as mind-games. It goes down as a man making excuses because he’s out of his depth. That doesn’t have to be the case, but it’s certainly what it looks like. And it all adds to the pressure, even if United’s determination to establish a Ferguson-based dynasty means he can afford to live with it for longer than most of his rivals can.

He started out with nothing, and he’s still got most of it left. The name of the game now is pressure, David. Pressure, pressure, pressure, pressure, pressure. Just make sure you don’t get obsessed by the pressure. Pressure.

Other notable contenders for most under-pressure manager:

1. Brendan Rodgers. Okay, he’s doing well at the moment, but his time will come.

2. Steve Bruce. Not so much under emotional pressure, Bruce has trapped himself in his car and his face is pushed right up against the passenger side window.

3. Roberto Mancini. Oh, they sacked him. I see.

4. Chris Hughton. Another one trapped in his car. Will he run out of air? Tune in next month to find out.