QPR Uniteded, Suarez stamped and Clatterberg battered

Rarely does a weekend go where I consider developments in other clubs more newsworthy than what is happening in the reserve squad of our U21 team. But, this Hollywood week was one.

QPR Uniteded

Firstly, my apologies in not updating people with this footballing verb, Uniteded. I guess we will explain it with usage. Arsenal looked all over QPR for the first ten minutes. Then they ran out of fizzle. The half time came and went without you realising that there are more than two digit places between the two sides. Just when you thought the game was going to be a boring one point, an opposition player steps up to the task, kicks out, takes a red card (Other cases like giving away blatant penalty, scoring own goal, making ludicrous substitutions by the opposition are also covered in this definition’s ambit). Arsenal realise we should really be beating this team in the last ten minutes. They bombard the team and score a goal from the entire of 5 cms away in a mad scramble. In short, we Uniteded QPR.

Of course, if you are United, the commentators would have bored you with how this is what Champions are made of. Blah, blah!

Suarez stamped

Any person who reads this headline would think Suarez got stamped. That’s the exact kind of bias Suarez got away with. Actually, Suarez stamped. Period. But bloody Distin did not roll on the ground. People talk of biases in football about diving. There are as many biases in giving red cards, as well. No one would think Suarez can stamp, especially with him holding the bastion of conveying the message of a foul or a thought of a foul with as much expressive ability as possible (Also referred to as diving in certain communities). Would this victim of mean thoughts of challenges and challenges ever have the thought of stamping anyone? Shockingly, yes!

Clatterberg battered

Surely, lets not call him Clattenberg anymore. Clatterberg shall serve as the kind of tribute this man deserves for a refereeing so inept, that well, you almost look forward to Mike Riley. Almost, anyway. I also read that Chelsea have complained about Clatterberg for being a racist. John Terry is said to be particularly incensed with Clatterberg’s comments. Hopefully, Clatterberg will engage Terry’s lawyer, who can eloquently argue like he did earlier. Allegedly, some of the defense that the revered lawyer may consider using has been leaked exclusively to me.

My client is not a racist. He has much hair which have a black originMy client always wears a black colour dress while officiatingHow could my client be racist? He is colour blind.

To those amazing decisions, my comments in reverse order of the chronology of eventsFor the offside rule, I went to Wikipedia to understand the complex technicalities of the offside rule. A player is in an offside position if all the three below conditions are met:

S No	Condition	Actual Condition of Chicho	Possible interpretation by assistant referee
1	The player must be in the opposing team’s half of the field	Player was hugging the opposition team’s net beyond the half at the beginning of the move.	The assistant referee has possibly made an interesting observation that possibly being beyond the goal line of the opposition team technically means he is not in the opposition’s half
2	The player must be in front of the ball	Chicho was in front of the ball.	Condition met
3	There must be fewer than two opposing players between him and the opposing goal line, with the goalkeeper counting as an opposing player for these purposes.	Chicho was beyond the goalkeeper when he started running back. Was just past the goalkeeper when the ball was played to him	Considering the complex variables of negative axis in play when one is beyond the goal line on an absolute basis, the run of Chicho from beyond the goal line meant that there was indeed no player between him and the goal line.

I think this wonderful technical interpretation by the assistant referee in computing the above variables and ruling Chicho onside is a decision that needs to be applauded.

The sending off of Torres: I cant even make jokes about this decision. If there is contact, the least that is expected is not to be booked of diving. But to be honest, I really love the Fergie angle to it. Was the contact on Torres’s shin strong enough for him to go down? I absolutely agree with him. What the referee has done is a momentum analysis considering the menial strength of future Sunderland player, Jonny Evans (Somehow I feel that the nursery rhymeJohnny Johnny yes papa was written on him, but hey, that’s me!) and the bulk of Torres, cross multiplied with their respective velocities in opposing directions. Fergie screams, “He was trying to take Jonny off the pitch”. Well, if that was a reason for a red card, I have two objections to that

Why would Torres try to strengthen United by getting Johnny off the pitch?I think the prayers of atleast 40,000 United supporters would have the right to earn the red card, as well. They too wanted him off the pitch.The Ivanovic sending off, well everybody seems to agree. My United friend (To be honest, he has other qualities which deserve respect and is unfair to label him with that as being the only adjective to describe him) screamed to me, “Ivanovic was last man. Denial of a clear goal scoring opportunity” But this was the decision that was most questionable. How can Ashley Young through on goal be considered a goal scoring opportunity? What next? Will we play advantage after a foul if the possession is with Adebayor? Rules, I tell you!

P.S.- All the views that you do not subscribe to above are sarcastic in nature.