Satire: 5 shocking fallouts of Euro 2012

Euro 2012 may be all wrapped up but the ramifications of this particular edition could perhaps change the way European football will be played forever. Here’s a list of 5 shocking footballing revolutions in the wake of Euro 2012.

#5. Venues

In a press conference ahead of the Spain v Italy final on Sunday, UEFA president Michel Platini told journalists about his grand plan for the Euro 2020 tournament. Turkey had been favourites to host the event but doubts have been placed over their ability to stage the event due to their ongoing bid for Istanbul to host the Olympic Games in the same year. It would be impractical to host both, so UEFA are looking at alternatives.

Apparently, the best they could come up with is this. ‘The Euros in 2020 could be held all over Europe,’ said Platini.

“We are just thinking about it. I have said 12 or 13 host cities; it could be 24 or 32.”

When asked about the monumental potential costs to fans that would have to travel all over Europe to watch the games, he replied “It can be great family vacation you know, and now there are lot many of ze budget airlines and ze boats” presumably while he sipped on Cabernet from his chalice of pure gold and diamonds.

With that kind of thinking we can now safely expect Euro 2024 to be held in Asia; ‘28 in Antarctica; and ’32 on Jupiter.

#4. Goal-Line Technology

Goal Line Technology can instantly determine whether or not a football has crossed the goal-line and could thus be a huge step forward for European football. GLT made it back to the headlines after Ukraine’s Marko Devic had a goal disallowed after the officials deemed the ball had not crossed the line – which, to billions of TV viewers at home, it clearly had - sending England into the next round.

However, the UEFA don’t take kindly to embarrassment and were swift in their action to finally introduce Goal Line Technology. UEFA are now breaking bank in a move that is set to change football forever. The extra officials on the line have now officially been moved a foot closer to the goal-line and will be provided with massive binoculars as well as state-of-the art whistles which are up to 10 times louder than their predecessors. This is certainly a huge investment undertaking as a result of which we can call look forward to a bright new era for football.

#3. Bailout

In an effort to promote the Euros, UEFA has struck a deal with the European Central Bank whereby the sovereign debt of the winning country will be completely forgiven.

The losing side will be forced to endure levels of austerity unheard of in the Eurozone for a period long enough to repay the ECB for the victorious country’s forgiven debts. Furthermore, the starting 11 will be required to make annual payments amounting to 95% of their club-level salaries and sponsorship deals in order to support the European Financial Stability Fund (EFSF).

Early polls show that the citizens of all countries fully support the idea and look forward to the long-term suffering they will impose on their neighbours.

#2. Penalties

England strongly believe they played pretty damn well in Euro 2012 and could’ve gone on to win it all. If only it weren’t for those wretched “penalty kicks”. I mean, what are those anyway? How are penalty-kicks any more justifying than just coin tosses?

When it dawned upon the English FA.

“We should totally settle major tournaments through coin tosses”

- England’s emotional plea to UEFA to get rid of penalties. Forever.

There are some pretty nice people up at UEFA who have decided to finally cut England some slack and abolish penalty shootouts forever. So get ready for the exhilarating, nail biting inducing spectacle of coin-tossing deciding European footballing supremacy in the near future. I for one just can’t wait.

#1. Handicaps

Spain created history by becoming the first team to win three successive global tournaments (Euro 2008, World Cup 2010 and Euro 2012).

The triple champions absolutely ran riot against the Italians, who only touched the ball four times in the second half. Twice to pick the ball out of the net and twice to kick off.

UEFA are expected to meet early on Monday to discuss the introductions of handicaps to give other teams a chance when playing Spain.

Suggestions so far include

1. Opposition has the option to substitute 3 Spanish players with 3 of their own in stoppage time.

2. Opposition kicks off five minutes before Spain.

3. In case of a goal advantage, Spain must switch to playing in crutches.

4. Spanish goalkeeper will have one hand tied to the post at all times.

5. As a reward for not conceding in the first half, the opposition, in the second half, have the option of parking an actual bus in front of goal.

So there you have it, 5 slightly radical changes that look like they just might change the beautiful game forever. Happy football everyone!

Disclaimer: This article is purely fictitious. It is not meant to be taken seriously and is not meant to slander or defame the character and/or reputation of any person or association.