SATIRE: A day at the Arsenal training ground

Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger and assistant manager Steve Bould

At the Arsenal training ground, manager Arsene Wenger and assistant manager Steve Bould are seen talking to the squad.

Wenger: Okay, you boys have done well to reach the top of the Premier League table. I’m happy with the consistency. We’re on a good run at the moment; let’s keep it going in the future games.

The Arsenal players’ faces light up. Ramsey and Wilshere high-five each other. Özil spits out his chewing gum and kicks it back into his mouth.

Podolski: Aha!

Bould: *furiously* What are you lot celebrating for? Do you know how many clean sheets we’ve had in all competitions? ONE! Just one! This is not at all what I expected. This is NOT what I trained you for!

Jenkinson: But we didn’t concede in the games against Fenerba…

Bould: *yelling* That doesn’t count, you little piece of…

Wenger: *puts a hand up* That’s enough, Steve. Bacary, please escort Carl to the restroom so that he can finish relieving himself.

Sagna puts an arm around a petrified Jenkinson and leads him away, making sure he doesn’t walk too close to him.

Wenger: Now, as you all know, I have completed 17 years at Arsenal and… No, Santi. You can’t hug me now… What’s that? Yes, maybe later. Maybe. I have managed players right from Adams and Bould till the new crop of players like Gnabry and Özil.

Bould: *puts his hand on his head and thinks* How’d I lose so much hair in 17 years while he hasn’t?

Wenger: It has been an honour to serve this club for so long and I look forward to more years at Arsenal. It’s also an honour to be the current longest serving person at the club

Bould: *counting with his fingers and thinking* Let’s see, I was an Arsenal player from 1988 to 1999, then a coach from 2001 till now. So that makes it… HEY! Wait a minute…

Gunnersaurus Rex: Yeah, even I’ve been here longer than Weng…

Wenger: Okay, then. Let’s get down to business! We have a big game coming up and I want to win this at all costs. I’m sure Steve will agree with me when I say we need 3 points AND a clean sheet to send out the right message.

Bould: *still fuming* Yes, it is of paramount importance to keep a clean sheet. Since Koscielny has played many games, we will be resting him and starting with Vermaelen and Mertesacker in defence! Sagna and Monreal will play full backs.

Wenger: But won’t Gibbs provide us with more width in attack?

Bould: I thought a clean sheet was more important?

Wenger: *sigh* Okay, I will bring him on in the 60^th minute.

Bould: 80^th minute.

Wenger: 60^th minute.

Bould: 70^th minute

Wenger: 60^th minute.

Podolski: Aha!

Bould: Come on, Arsene. That’s not a negotiation.

Wenger: Who’s negotiating?

Bould: *under his breath* Clearly not you, else we’d have Suarez or Higuain to back up Giroud instead of Nicklas… Speak of the devil!

Nicklas Bendtner arrives at the training ground. Late as usual.

Wenger: I wish I could terminate Nickals Bendtner…

Vermaelen: *eyes glowing red as a mechanical whirring sound increases in pitch* Termination order received. Target acquired: Nicklas Bendtner!

Wenger: No, no, Thomas! I meant to say I wish I could terminate his contract! Not him! *looks around suspiciously and leans in to Vermaelen’s ear* Not yet. Wait till the January transfer window.

Vermaelen: Affirmative.

Giroud: Why does he have that silly ponytail?

Koscielny: He thinks it makes him look like Zlatan Ibrahimovic.

Bendtner: I heard that! And I’ll have you know, I’m better than Ibrahimovic! I have Paddy Power!

Podolski: Aha!

Wenger: Stop it, Nicklas! Oh, look what you’ve gone and done. Rosicky’s gone and injured his abdomen from laughing so hard! Damn it…

The physio comes in and takes Rosicky away.

Wenger: I have one more surprise for you. I’ve got Robert Pires here to give you boys some tips. I hope you will learn a thing or two from him.

Pires: *steps out from behind Steve Bould’s shadow* Bonjour, my friends.

Giroud: Sign him up! Sign him up! Sign him up! *thinking* I’ll score more goals with him in the side!

Robert Pires giving Mesut Özil some tips on which shoes have a non-sticky surface for chewing gum.

Wenger: No, Olivier. He is old and unfit, he’ll drop little bit physically in the second half. He is here mainly to teach Ramsey and Özil about when to arrive in the box to score more goals.

Gnabry: Will he be teaching me wing play as well?

Pires: Sorry, no time. Besides, I have only Ramsey and Ozil in my Fantasy team *grins*

Wenger: Ok, enough chit chat. Time to practice.

Walcott: Alright! Let’s go! *runs fast. Very fast*

Özil spits out his gum and kicks it in Walcott’s direction. It curls around the artificial wall of defenders and hits him in the head, sending him sprawling on to the turf.

Wenger: £42m well spent!

Podolski: Aha!