Satire: A post in Luis Suarez's diary

Disclaimer: This article is purely fictitious. It is not meant to be taken seriously and is not meant to slander or defame the character and/or reputation of any person or association.

Dear Diary,

You might, as a diary, wonder why I decided to name the diary Luis’ Diary rather than maybe My Diary or My experiments with truth or something. Keep wondering. Ha! Well, to put it short, I am going to refer to myself in third person because I always believe in neutrality and being fair. Hence I want to be objective about it.

Ever since Luis has come to England, he has been the epitome of the consummate professional. Nothing but. However, he has been hounded by the media, who have barked at him. This is especially important – these words that is – for this barking media accuses me – Luis, I mean – of biting. Don’t they know that barking dogs seldom bite? Why did I – damn it, Luis – mention this here? Well, it seemed to be clever wordplay. It was, wasn’t it? Hmmm.

I arrived at Liverpool and was hailed as a great striker. Damn. I really must stop doing this. And again. Luis. Luis. Luis. Yes, I’m… rats! Luis arrived at Liverpool and was hailed as a great striker, the next best thing since Fernando Torres. Or something. However, as soon as he arrived, his stock dipped. To put it in a slightly different way, his stock in the media nose-dived. Much of this was because of the fact that he himself dived. Little did the media know that Luis always dived into anything he did with the greatest of enthusiasm. This translated itself onto the pitch and thus the diving. It was symbolic. Not cheating. The stupid English media does not understand. Idiots. Also, do you know how much it rains in England? Man! How does one stay on one’s feet? Pfft!

Luis, however, took all these, as well as the ball, in his stride. He dribbled past defenders and scored at will. By at will, I do mean that at most times that he did not, he won’t. Not that he will. I digress. It has come to my – Luis’ – attention that there is a statistic about him having something like the most number of shots that hit the post. Now, of course that is true. I mean, Luis is a young man and, as one knows, young men like to hit the bar. It is the English culture, man! Luis is only trying to adapt. No one understands Luis. Sigh!

Then there was the question of Luis and that African American, or was he African Frenchman? I mean, calling people names is one thing but calling Luis a racist? I – Luis – means, come on now! Seriously? How dumb can one get? Luis is not racist. Usain Bolt is a racist. Luis is a footballer. An awesome footballer who hits the bars. We must drink to his success rather than vilify him.

There have been so many things that the media has gone on and on about. The diving, the racism and the what not. However, the one that took the cherry was the biting. I – Luis, damn it – means, come on! Really? Biting? Is one really that shallow? Was that really a bite? Was Luis biting off more than he could chew? Was that game headed for a nail-biting finish? Did the fish bite the bait? Do barking dogs seldom bite? I have run out of bite-based cliches. No, wait. Yes. I have. Also, in the preceding few sentences replace I with Luis. Thanks.

After all this and more, Luis has decided that enough is enough. The media have been intent on making a joke out of Luis. This is not fair and Luis believes in fairness. Not of the skin colour, of course. That would be racist. The media have been ridiculously spiteful of Luis’ talents and have gone too far this time. Luis believes that Luis’ future definitely lies outside England now. You have to hand it to Luis, however. In spite of all this, he has handled himself extremely well. He has not gotten angry and seen red; well, not off the pitch anyway.

As Luis was saying, he has not seen red and has handled the ball quite well. Sometimes off the pitch; at others, on the goal-line.

Writer’s Disclaimer: Luis’ Diary is actually written by Luis’ evil twin, who, incidentally, is also named Luis.