Satire: Alternative careers for footballers: Part 2

Disclaimer – This article is a work of fiction, and should be taken in jest.

To be honest, I never knew there would be a part 2, but then some people inspired me to write this. Bear in mind that I will insult only those who deserve it, because I don’t think any football player deserves an insult.

Part 1 can be found here.

Carles Puyol: Heavy metal musician

What do they all have in common? You guessed it! That mop of hair would be oh-so-perfect in one of those heavy metal music videos! His head-banging, his build and his downright obstinacy and refusal to concede defeat, his never say die attitude, these things all mean so much in heavy metal. By the way, he has a really strong muscular build, which musicians are rather famous for. As for his voice, well, if Justin Beiber and One Direction can succeed, I’m pretty sure Carles Puyol will be a God of Rock.

Gareth Bale: Diver, representing the planet Ashlar in the Inter Planetary Olympics

According to the really stupid 2001 film, Ashlar is the Planet of the Apes. I think that makes the point pretty obvious. While our palaeontologists are busy searching for the ‘missing link’ in far reaches of the earth, we have already found a live one at Tottenham Hotspur! And as for his diving, he is probably the one guy who can compete with Suarez for the coveted FIFA Fallon d’floor. Absolutely spectacular! It’s so well documented the referees don’t hesitate showing him the gold, oops, I mean yellow card.

Lionel Messi: Computer technician

No, it’s not because of his short stature with which he can navigate even the smallest spaces and stuff. It is because, more often than not, he always manages to find the net. He loves the net, and he has true passion for it. So if ever you have any trouble by which you cannot reach the internet, do contact Lionel Messi. He will find you the net, guaranteed. While you try for 2 hours relentlessly, he has found the net twice in just 90 minutes! But sometimes, he can Cech all he wants, and he won’t find the net. Don’t worry. He is working on it.

And now, some coaches!

Arsene Wenger: Salesman, nursery owner

He simply loves to grow kids and he loves selling his players. He was a born salesman! Although full credit to him and Arsenal, they are not a bad club. Otherwise, why on earth would everyone want their players? But this is not a serious article. Wenger should have become a salesman, and he would win more trophies than he has won with Arsenal. Who knows, now that he has sold off most of his players, he may finally end up selling himself as well? He is great as a coach, despite not winning.

Roberto Di Matteo: Bus Driver

Do I even need to explain?

Sir Alex Ferguson: World Record Breaker

And I don’t mean winning so many titles, or all those successful years as a manager. I mean that wad of gum he has been chewing since… since… Oh damn! I think he was born chewing that wad of gum! He also holds the world record for most idiotic things ever said by a football manager. I mean, seriously, Sir Alex? If a ball can kill your player, why on earth do you make him play football?