SATIRE: Arsène Wenger's Press Conference

Club official: Good evening! Thank you all for coming to this press conference. We’ll get underway as soon as Arsène Wenger is ready.

Reporter 1: Where is he?

Club official: He had a little trouble with his jacket, so he had to make a stop at the club store to get a replacement. In fact, here he comes now.

Arsène Wenger enters the media room accompanied by Ivan Gazidis (Chief Executive of Arsenal FC). Wenger is frowning as he zips up his jacket and double checks to make sure the zip is working properly. As he passes the press on his way to the stage, the reporters in the front row catch snippets of the conversation as Wenger whispers to Gazidis, “… thought there was an employee discount! I think £110 for a manager’s jacket is little bit of a rip-off…” Gazidis fails in his attempts to calm him down.

Wenger takes a seat behind the microphones with Gazidis seated alongside. Wenger, still frustrated, drinks some water and then proceeds to throw the water bottle on to the ground. He then stares like a vulture at the gathering of reporters, his brow furrowed, hands clasped and arms placed on the desk.

Wenger: Well, fire away…

Reporter 1: Hello, Mr. Wenger. I wanted to know…

Wenger: Professor.

Reporter 1: Sorry, what?

Wenger: Professor Wenger.

Reporter 1: Er, ok… You have Manchester City coming up this Sunday. Are all your players fit and ready for the game?

Wenger: Olivier Giroud may be little bit short for Sunday. He cut his knee when we played Swansea. He is currently 50:50. We will assess him again tomorrow to see if he is ready. How ready? Maybe 84:16.

Reporter 2: Did he get injured when Chico Flores stamped him?

Wenger: I don’t know. I did not see the incident.

Reporter 2: Any other injuries? Is Arshavin available?

Wenger: No, he is also, er, short. Everyone else from last weekend is available.

Reporter 3: What about Abou Diaby?

Wenger: He played in the U-21 game in midweek. I don’t want to rush him.

Reporter 1: So when can we expect to see him back in the first team squad?

Wenger: Maybe two to three weeks.

Reporter 2: That’s what you said three months ago!

Wenger: Well, yes. But there were slight complications we didn’t anticipate. But this time, we have ensured that he will have a long run of games once he is back.

Reporter 2: And how did you manage that?

Gazidis: The club has a fantastic medical team! They’ve been using ground breaking technologies to strengthen Diaby’s legs. They’ve made good use of the zero-gravity treadmill and also fused his bones with (checks his notes) Ad… Er, with Ada…

Wenger: Adamantium! We used Adamantium.

Reporter 3: What do you feel are the team’s chances against Manchester City, the defending champions, when they visit the Emirates this weekend?

Wenger: We are on a good run now. I believe that with the right attitude and mental strength, this team can get a positive result in a big game like this. Then we can use this result as a stepping stone to bounce back.

Reporter 1: How would you define a “positive result”?

Wenger: There are many ways to look at it. If I were to explain all the permutations, then we’d be here all day.

Reporter 1: Permutations? Wha…?

Reporter 2: So does a win or even a draw count as a positive result?

Wenger: Something like that. (The reporters scratch their heads)

Reporter 3: By “bouncing back”, do you mean in the title race? You are currently 18 points from the top! Can you hope to catch up with 17 games left?

Wenger: It is still mathematically possible. We even have a game in hand. So I say yes, why not? The Premier League is still very much open. Anybody can drop points. If we can consistently perform with consistency, then the consistent consistency coupled with self belief and mental strength will go a long way. The key word here is consistency.

Reporter 1: We’ve seen reports that Manchester City sent back almost 1000 tickets because they couldn’t get their fans to buy tickets which cost upward of £62! Do you want to comment on that?

Gazidis: The economic climate dictates the ticket prices. We’re sorry that Man City won’t have much of their travelling support at the Emirates (Gazidis nudges Wenger and whispers, “This is a positive result, no?” Wenger smiles for the first time).

Reporter 2: But aren’t you then blatantly turning your backs on the fans?

Wenger: I believe the Man City fans do that as well. What do they call it, the Poznan? I don’t know.

Reporter 1: What news on the transfer front? Are any players coming or going?

Wenger: At the moment, Djourou and Chamakh have been loaned out to get some matches under their belt. There won’t be any other departures for now.

Reporter 2: What about any new signings?

Wenger: At the moment, none. I believe we now have a balanced squad with two players for every position. If we have three, then someone must go and if we have one then someone comes in. We could do with buying some quality players in midfield and maybe another goalkeeper (Gazidis clears his throat audibly and places his hand on Wenger’s arm). But I am confident our current squad has enough quality and can go the distance.

Reporter 2: But if you find a good buy, what then?

Wenger: We have money to spend. But we will buy only if the player is exceptional and of top, top, TOP quality who can add to our squad. (watching the press conference live on television, Gervinho and Santos high-five each other. Squillaci’s chest swells with pride!)

Reporter 3: What is the status of Theo Walcott’s contract?

Wenger: I was optimistic that we will get to a happy conclusion. I am more optimistic now and I will surely be even more optimistic later.

Reporter 1: So when can we expect that he will sign?

Wenger: As we speak, Theo is in the next room signing… (Few photographers rush out of the room to get a picture) … footballs for the young Gunners. After this press conference, I will invite him to my place for a cup of tea to discuss his contract. That’s worked in the past… To some extent (Wenger frowns again).

Wenger’s phone beeps and he reads a text message from assistant manager Steve Bould: “CODE RED! It’s Diaby…”

Gazidis reads over Wenger’s shoulder and quickly speaks up, “Er… That’s all we have for today. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. See you all again on match day!”

Wenger and Gazidis exit the press room. Wenger is angrily trying to unzip his jacket while yelling into the phone as his voice trails off, “What do you mean he sprained his back while tying his shoe laces…”

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction, and is not to be taken seriously.