Satire: Chelsea call Manchester United for Wayne Rooney

Wayne Rooney of Manchester United in action during a first team training session at the Aon Training Complex on July 9, 2013 in Manchester, England. (Getty Images)

Scene: A telephonic conversation.

The participants:

Ed Woodward - Chief Executive, Manchester United | David Moyes - Manager, Manchester United |Wayne Rooney - Number 10, Manchester United | Jose Mourinho - Manager, Chelsea Football Club | Roman Abramovich - Owner, Chelseas Football Club | Cristiano Ronaldo - Number 7, Real Madrid | Florentino Perez - President, Real Madrid

Woodward: Hello, hello!

Moyes: Aye! ‘Allo!

Rooney: Hullo, Gaffer!

Mourinho: A very happy evening to you all.

Abramovich: How much will it take to get this conversation started?

Perez: Hola!

Ronaldo: Hello folks! Hello!

Woodward: Right. Now that all that is out of the way, let us get straight to business. David?

Moyes: Wayne Rooney is nert fer sale.

Abramovich: So how much do you want for him?

Moyes: Didn’t yer ‘ear me? Wayne Rooney is nert fer sale.

Abramovich: So, how much do you want for him?

Woodward: Now, now, David. Let me handle this. Roman, clearly, as our manager has stated, Rooney is not for sale.

Abramovich: So, how much do you want for him?

Woodward: Now, Roman. This is the limit.

Mourinho: There is no need for anyone to get angry, really. I am sure we can all come to a good consensus here. Let us all be happy, like the happy one. In case you did not know, that is me now.

Wooward: I don’t see why that is not possible.

Rooney: No one asked me if I wanted to leave.

Moyes: So der yer want to leave, Wayne?

Rooney: Well….

Moyes: Ah! Just as I thought, yer dern’t want to leave.

Rooney: But I never said anything.

Moyes: Don’t ferget, Wayne; I discovered yer as a wee lad.

Rooney: So?

Moyes: So, don’t ferget that I discovered yer as a wee lad.

Rooney: So?

Moyes: So, don’t ferget…

Woodward: I can see that this might go on for a while. So, Roman, as we were talking…

Abramovich: So, how much do you want for him?

Perez: Roman, didn’t you hear the man? Rooney is not for sale. So, Ed, my friend, shall we seal the deal then?

Woodward: We might be interested in selling Rooney to you.

Perez: There it is, then! The deal is done.

Woodward: If….

Perez: If?

Woodward: If you give us Ronaldo, in return.

Ronaldo: But will I be allowed to bring my Bugatti there?

Woodward: Of course, Ron.

Ronaldo: Yay!

Perez: No! We cannot sell Ronaldo. We want Ronaldo and Rooney to play together.

Woodward: No problem then. Give us Ronaldo and we’ll give you Rooney and then you can loan Rooney back to us.

Perez: You are trying to confuse me aren’t you? Ronaldo stays.

Moyes: Yers. At Manchester United.

Perez: Noooooooo!!!

Ronaldo: Hey Wayne, how’s it going?

Rooney: Not bad, man.

Ronaldo: So, how is the hair coming along?

Rooney: You just had to bring that up, didn’t you?

Ronaldo: Just kidding, man. Just kidding. Anyway, I would like to welcome you to Real so that you can come and then we can play together.

Rooney: Really?

Ronaldo: Yes. On the training ground. If you come here, I’m the main man and so I will play up front. Then you will be pushed into midfield and there are too many players who you can’t dislodge. So, we can only play on the training ground.

Rooney: You haven’t changed one bit eh? You’re still full of yourself!

Ronaldo: And you’re full of fat! Ha ha ha!

Perez: Wayne, don’t listen to Ron; he is always joking around. We welcome you with open arms here at Real Madrid.

Mourinho: Wayne, they might welcome you with open arms but I welcome you with an open heart. I‘m truly happy now and I’m happy to include you in the Chelsea team.

Woodward: Don’t listen to him, Wayne. Your future is at Old Trafford.

Perez: We will play you exactly in the position that you want to, Wayne. The team will be built around you.

Ronaldo: The reserve team. Ha ha ha!

Perez: Enough, Cristiano!

<Ronaldo winks in Perez’s direction>

Abramovich: I will give you 40 million.

Moyes: Wayne Rooney is nert fer sale.

Perez: I will give you 50 million.

Rooney: Ha! Even Torres was that much. Surely I’m better.

Ronaldo: You wish!

Perez: Alright, 55 million.

Woodward: I’m afraid this is pointless, Florentino.

Abramovich: 60 million.

Woodward: It is still pointless, Roman.

Abramovich: 75 million. And I’ll throw in Paulo Ferreira. And give you 5 million a year to keep him.

Woodward: Wayne, it is time to pack your bags. Goodbye.

And so, Wayne Rooney ends up at Chelsea, Mourinho claims to now be ‘the happiest one’, Abramovich the ‘poorer-by-75-million one’, Moyes the dumbfounded one and Perez the ‘still-trying-to-get-the-galacticos-together one.’

For the record, Arsene Wenger was invited to join the conversation but could not foot the phone bill. The funds, he says, are still locked in the ‘very big transfer vault’ that no one seems to know the combination to.