Satire: Conversations with an AKB (Arsene knows best) fan

Arsene knows best is a section of the Arsenal support

Every year Arsenal embarrasses themselves and their fans, the Wenger cult becomes stronger and more defiant. Like an alcoholic who refuses to admit he has problem, some diehard Arsene Wenger fans refuse to acknowledge that ‘Le Professor’ is the problem at Arsenal.

In the years of continuous underachievement and regular humiliations at the hands of ‘rivals’, Arsenal have changed a stadium, owners, coaches and every player in the squad. The only constant is Wenger.

But according to some fans, Arsene Knows Best, AKB in short. These AKBs denounce anyone who dares question their cult master as ‘plastic fans’ who ought to support Chelsea.

In my opinion, such fans don’t see football as a sport and ought to support companies like Coca Cola, which produce profits for long periods. Here is a fictional conversation between a typical AKB and a realistic Arsenal fan over the course of the season and summer so far.

September 1, 2013

AKB: See? Told you so! Who says Wenger doesn’t spend money? We got Ozil and we beat Spurs 1-0 at home!

Realist: But didn’t we really need a striker and since when are Spurs our ultimate benchmark for success?

AKB: You are so cynical! We beat Bayern Munich 2-0 away and we are the best team in calendar year 2013!

Realist: Umm, Bayern knocked us out and we had an easy fixture list in 2013.

AKB: AKB AKB AKB! Invincibles, Henry, Anelka, Stadium, Oil Money, Referees, Revenue, EBITDA….

29th October

Realist: So, a full strength Arsenal team lost 2-0 at home to a Chelsea B side and got knocked out of the League Cup.

AKB: It wasn’t the Chelsea B team they had really good players! And it wasn’t our full strength team either!

Realist: Mourinho made 8 changes from the previous match and Wenger brought in Ozil, Giroud et al for the second half. And now Wenger has not beaten Mourinho in what, 8 attempts?

AKB: AKB AKB AKB! Invincibles, Henry, Anelka, Stadium, Oil Money, Referees, Revenue, EBITDA….

Nov 2nd

AKB: See? Told you so! We have proven all doubters wrong! We are once again the most successful club in the world and Wenger the best ever manager and Giroud the best striker in the world and…

Realist: How so?

AKB: We beat Liverpool at home.

Realist: Ok, we have beaten them several times over the last few years. In fact they haven’t beaten us for 5 years. In that period we have won zero trophies.

AKB: You are just cynical, this time its different. This proves we can beat top teams. By the way, you want to see what happens when a top manager leaves? Just look at Manchester United! They are a mediocre mid table club now lol!

Dropped 5 points to the worst United side in 25 years.

November 10th

Realist: So we lost to the mediocre mid table club (again).

AKB: So what? We are still league leaders, and look where they are now!

Realist: Our best team in years cant beat the worst Man U team in 2 decades. What does this say about the mental strength of this team and Wenger’s tactics?

AKB: We don’t need mental strength, we have Rambo and Ozil!

Realist: We had Fabregas and RVP when we collapsed in 2010-11 from 1st to 4th and lost to Birmingham in the finals.

AKB: AKB AKB AKB! Invincibles, Henry, Anelka, Stadium, Oil Money, Referees, Revenue, EBITDA….

Dec 26th

AKB: Arsenal have mental strength to win the title this time!

Realist: How so?

AKB: We drew 0-0 at home to Chelsea, what a comeback after losing 3-6 to Manchester City away!Realist: Since when is a draw a comeback? And now Wenger hasn’t beaten Jose in 10 games. Doesn’t letting in 6 goals worry you?

AKB: ManU let in 6 goals against City and almost won the title!

Realist: So they ‘almost’ won the title. Does this mean, we will ‘almost’ win the title as well?

AKB: You don’t know anything about football. AKB AKB AKB! Invincibles, Henry, Anelka, Stadium, Oil Money, Referees, Revenue, EBITDA….

All because of Manchester City and Chelsea’s oil money of course.

12th Feb

Realist: We drew 0-0 at home to the worst Manchester United side in 2 decades after a humiliating 1-5 defeat to Liverpool, must be a solid weekend in your universe.

AKB: We dominated ManU, we totally outclassed them and we lost 1-5 because of injuries to Ramsey, Walcott, etc.

Realist: How many points do we get for ‘dominating’ a game and what do injuries to attackers have to do with conceding 5 goals?

AKB: AKB AKB AKB! Invincibles, Henry, Anelka, Stadium, Oil Money, Referees, Revenue, EBITDA….

16th March

AKB: Told you so! Haha, now what do you have to say?

Realist: What happened? Did we win a trophy while I was sleeping?

AKB: We beat Everton 4-1 in the FA Cup, and Spurs 1-0 and drew heroically at the Allianz Arena!

Realist: So ultimately, we crashed out in the Champions League and beat two teams we always do at home.

AKB: We are in the FA Cup semi finals AND we are still in the title race. The double is on!

Arsenal defenders slipped on Roman’s oil 6 times.

6th April

Realist: So now, we have lost 0-6 to Chelsea, 0-3 to Everton and drawn two home games, should we get the bus parade ready for the 4th place trophy?

AKB: We are still in the FA Cup, the oldest competition in world football! We were top of the league for 128 days, what an achievement!

Realist: The same FA cup where Wenger usually fields youngsters who get humiliated by full strength Premier League sides? You do know that we only have a chance because all the top teams knocked each other out right?

AKB: AKB AKB AKB! Invincibles, Henry, Anelka, Stadium, Oil Money, Referees, Revenue, EBITDA….

17th May

AKB: We won the FA Cup, the oldest competition in world football! Won 3-2 from being 2-0 down, told you so!

Realist: A good outcome no doubt, but whom did we beat again? The mighty Hull? Now Wenger will declare this squad is adequate and expect no signings in the summer.

AKB: We don’t need signings! Sanogo is good enough! AKB AKB AKB! Invincibles, Henry, Anelka, Stadium, Oil Money, Referees, Revenue, EBITDA….

11th June

AKB: We have made the signing of the summer! Told you so

Realist: And who might that be?

AKB: Shad Forsythe, a new fitness coach assistant! Now our players will be bullet proof robots who never get injured, I expect a quadruple next season. Wenger is a genius.

Realist: An ‘Assistant’ Fitness coach is the highlight of our summer?

AKB: Umm, all transfer dealings happen after the World Cup. No quality players switch before.

Realist: Fabregas may be available and it looks like Chelsea will get him.

AKB: Cesc owes everything to Wenger. He is not like the traitor RVP, Nasri, Song, Adebayor, Clichy, Hleb…We will get him and we will have a dream midfield. We need replacements for Arteta, Rosicky who are too old.

‘Loyal’ to ‘Traitor’ overnight.

12th June

Realist: So, Chelsea have signed the ‘loyal’ Cesc and Sagna has signed for Manchester City. Oh and Cazorla wants to go to Spain. What was that about transfers not happening before a World Cup? Do these ‘rules’ apply only to Arsenal?

AKB: We didn’t need that traitor anyway! Good riddance! Never wanted him, we have a strong midfield.

Realist: I thought you said we needed him. And it seems Wenger refused to exercise the buy back. We will make some more money on his transfer though, a second villa for Gazidis perhaps.

AKB: We don’t need signings! Sanogo is good enough! AKB AKB AKB! Invincibles, Henry, Anelka, Stadium, Oil Money, Referees, Revenue, EBITDA….

To be continued…

DISCLAIMER: The views expressed here are the author’s alone and do not in any way represent Sportskeeda’s views.