[Satire] David Moyes writes a letter to Louis van Gaal after Manchester United loss

Dear Louis,

I write this letter as a fellow manager and in my experience of managing top clubs in the Premier League for 12years (11 and 9 months to be exact). I write this as your predecessor having gone through the ups and and downs of life at Manchester United.

Firstly, commiserations. I won the season opener last year against pretty much the same Swansea team and it felt pretty good. Your blue eyed boy Robin van Persie got two sumptuous goals that day and got me off to a perfect start. But again, it's never as easy as it seems in the EPL, as I discovered. At least you have an easy schedule for the first few games unlike me. Imagine playing West Brom, Everton, Sunderland and the lot in the first 15 fixtures. Although my team made it very 'tough' for all of them, we lost narrowly. My bad luck.

Fans and critics alike say following me at Manchester United will be easy; I agree. I made the Premier League better. My tenure ensures that whatever you do, you will be termed ‘better than his predecessor’. A courtesy I was not afforded. You’re welcome. I did not like how teams feared coming to Old Trafford under Sir Alex Ferguson. So I did my best to change that and make United a more hospitable host. Teams liked coming to Old Trafford under my reign. For me, it was all about building good relations with the fans. But unfortunately, I built relations with rival fans rather than my own. My bad luck again.

I broke a lot of records in my short tenure. The record for handing many a top side victory at Old Trafford after generations. Sides like Everton, Newcastle, West Brom. The record for the lowest league points, lowest league position etc. I was responsible for stopping the one club dominance of the league by Manchester United and rival fans still respect me for that. Please try and follow in my footsteps and make it as difficult for opponents as possible.

Coming to your reign now. From my experience of managing top clubs, I want to give you some pointers or two. I believe I did you and Manchester United a great favour by bringing in Marouane Fellaini. Do play him week-in week-out. Get the defenders and midfielders to hoof up long balls onto his wig head, he will surely score. It may not be pretty, but hey, results over aesthetics, right? Also, do continue to play my crown jewels Tom Cleverley and Danny Welbeck. They are the symbols of the Moyes philosophy, which is to run all day long and make it tough for opponents. Do not worry, wins will follow. Remember that boy Adnan Januzaj? He symbolises the only thing everything I did right at United. Great talent.

Do not forget Shinji Kagawa. Slippery little lad, sits on the bench the whole time and goes unnoticed. Took me two months to notice him and another two to know that he plays as number 10. Do not forget to play him once in a while, albeit on the left. He can win games on his own at number 10, we don’t want that, do we?

One thing that is available in abundance at Manchester United is patience. No matter how badly you do, they will keep saying “let's give him some more time”. That patience kept me going during my time; use it well. I did you another great favour by eliminating the whole Champions League diversion. You’re welcome. Again.

All the very best. Hope to see you in the same job come next August.

Regards, sympathies and empathies,

David Moyes

P.S.: This isn’t me, I’m busy rejecting new job offers. You have my full support!