Satire: David Moyes meets Sir Alex Ferguson

Disclaimer: No, Moyes has not met Ferguson (yet). This article is meant for entertainment purposes only. Please take it in good spirit and do not feel offended.

David Moyes is a troubled manager these days as Manchester United’s season continues to sink to new depths. Having managed Everton for close to a decade and finishing comfortably in the top half every season, on the proverbial ‘shoestring budget’, what has stopped the Scot from going a step further at a much bigger club in his first season?

Manchester United’s current predicament has puzzled almost everybody, and it looks like Moyes is no closer to solving it than we are. In fact, he has already met his predecessor Sir Alex Ferguson, the one who chose him. Fortunately, the conversation was recorded by secret, inside sources, and here, the entire meeting has been replayed for the readers’ unwavering interest on such incidents.

Moyes: Sir, please help me! I think I am about to be sacked!

Ferguson: Relax David, relax. This is Manchester United. We do not hire and fire managers like there is no tomorrow, as most other clubs in the Premier League do. In fact, I’ll have to say, you’ve done a remarkable job.

Moyes (wearing a clueless expression, as always): I don’t understand…

Ferguson: Of course, you don’t understand. Had any other manager been there, United would have been with their third manager of the season, like Fulham. Kudos to you.

(Seeing Moyes’ still confused expression) Let me explain. I left behind, dare I call it that, a ‘squad’ full of mediocrity. I could barely believe it myself that I had just won another title. Of course, when you possess one golden egg among many black ones, people are bound to notice the golden one. That was the strategy in buying Robin van Persie, and what followed, even I did not expect. Supposed to be only a showpiece, the golden egg never showed the slightest hint of a crack, and went on to strike gold. I could not rely on that happening again this season, so I gracefully departed.

That crazy game on the final day at West Brom summed up the actual state of the team. It showed that, despite being champions, there was a lot of work to do. Having noticed your service to Everton for so long without any complaints, it was felt that you epitomized loyalty. Hence I chose you to carry on this club’s legacy. Any other manager would have left days after the window shut, complaining about being promised a lot but provided with nothing. I was sure that you’d battle on.

Moyes: You had other choices too- Jose Mourinho, Rafa Benitez, Jupp Heynckes, for example. How big a name am I, compared to them? Loyalty aside, didn’t you want a bigger name to arrive? Why did you feel fans would accept the humble Everton manager David Moyes?

Ferguson: As you suggested, I had these doubts too. To make it easier, I advised them to support you from the beginning, stand by you at all times come what may. Coming back to the options you suggested, why would I choose Jose Mourinho? Leaving aside the fact that he is a close friend of mine, personally I felt that he may not understand Manchester United at all. The fans at Old Trafford like to be entertained and be successful. Jose would have definitely brought success, but at what cost? As a fan, would I be happy seeing my team win 1-0 every game playing boring football? As the one who chose him, as the one who oversaw quite some mayhem out there, would I be satisfied seeing my team win by one goal every week when more would have been achievable? Definitely not. Meanwhile, there was some confusion about Heynckes regarding whether he had actually retired from management or not. Hence, you were the best option. As for Rafael Benitez, how dare you suggest his name! (if you know what I mean!)

Moyes: But I am not winning 1-0 everyday, like what you may have expected from Mourinho. In fact, I’m not winning at all! I’m still searching for that hairdryer. Where have you hidden it?

Ferguson (surprised): Gosh, haven’t I already told you that? I’ll ask the guys who clean the trophies to help you find it. It looks like they will be losing their jobs anyway. Once you get your hands on it, be extremely careful. It is akin to a horcrux – a mundane object holding unimaginable power. Haven’t you heard the tales about the sparks that flew out of it when its owner got into a foul mood?

Moyes (takes some time, no restrictions there, mind you): At this stage, being a Manchester United novice, I will not try pursuing such a powerful tool. I’ll save it for the future; use it when I’ve gained more experience.

Ferguson (smiling): You mentioned the word ‘future’ , so I take it that you have truly understood the length of your assessment period. It takes time to stamp your authority, you know, it took me close to 3 years. Once you accomplish that, the next season will be yours.

(Every summer at his old club, Moyes had heard that last phrase. It did nothing to cheer him up)

Moyes: To stamp my authority, I bought my favorite player, Fellaini. I hoped he would bring his energy and attitude from the Goodison Park pitch to the OT dressing room. I was wrong, he hasn’t been the player I know. He rarely starts these days, not that his replacements are any better either.

The summer promised so much. Fabregas signing for us, Baines following me, Ronaldo returning; look what I ended up with. Meanwhile, your right-hand man Rene Meulensteen had to depart because I brought Phil Neville and a couple of other guys with me.

Ferguson: And lets not forget that last moment chaos concerning Ander Herrera. That was an absolute mockery of the club. Yet, I had to be positive, and hope for something in January at least. I could recall rumors in the summer discussing Rooney being swapped for Mata, apparently you doubted your ability in managing Wayne. As January ticked along, I began fearing the summer fiasco happening all over again. I hoped, at the very least, for that swap deal to go through, since Chelsea have shown more than once a penchant for a striker in January. It was definitely a pleasant surprise to see Juan arrive, and Wayne stay on!

Moyes: The only positive story in an otherwise sorry season. Which club gives away its best player in January, to a rival too! We were over the moon.

Ferguson: Then, what does the future hold for my signing Shinji Kagawa? You bought direct competition (or replacement) for his favored position.

Moyes: A big club like Manchester United simply cannot ignore class when it is available. You did the same too with Robin van Persie, remember?

Ferguson (rather sarcastically): Oh, yeah! (pauses) You’re quite intelligent!

Moyes (sensing it): I came to you for advice boss, not to be the target of your sarcasm. It is a matter of urgency. Please teach me some comeback techniques, ploys to surge up the table during the remaining ten games.

Ferguson: Climbing up the table at the business end of the season? It isn’t my cup of tea, mate. I’m used to staying at the top from the very beginning itself. You have come too late. Have a good day, David.

Moyes (aghast at his abrupt dismissal): Please sir, think about the fans. It would give them a huge lift when they hear you’ll be helping me. Give it some consideration.

Fergie recalled the old days. Those fans had wanted him sacked. They hadn’t seen progress in three years. Was this Scot really Manchester United material? He had personally experienced it all in the past, and felt for Moyes.

Ferguson: Oh, the misfortune of choosing you! It is my moral responsibility now. I’ll help.

Moyes: Cool! Getting into next year’s Champions League is a must. Else the club’s image is going to suffer. Players like van Persie may leave, and Rooney may ask for a new contract again! It is a compulsion to finish in the top 4 this season. Quote your fee sir.

Ferguson: An unlimited supply of chewing gum is all I need.

Moyes: Done. You were easier to convince than I thought. So, can I expect you at Carrington tomorrow morning?

Ferguson: Sure!

The next morning:

A notice is put up at the training ground. It displays a schedule of David Moyes and his staff’s learning process towards being a successful Manchester United manager. It was to come much earlier, but Mata’s arrival had kept it on hold, hoping for things to improve eventually. The schedule involves being bystanders during training and silent spectators in the dugout for the rest of the season. ‘A practical, close up, hands on experience of the biggest job in football’ – the title.

The players are perplexed. Manager being sacked is quite common these days, but ordering him to stay and watch someone else do his job? Rooney’s mind is already racing, making up tantrums of the kind “If this is the method of coaching, I will leave.”

Frustrated, he stamps the ground hard, and feels something stick. This had never happened since Moyes took charge. Was this happening for real? Full of fear, he looks at the underside of his boot.

That was enough to tell him everything. He turns towards the other end of the ground. The SOS had been answered.