SATIRE: The English Premier League outside the Matrix

The Matrix has successfully overwritten our memories with wrong information!

Contrary to popular belief, the year is 2213 and not 2013. The machines have taken over and our bodies are nothing but a power source drowned in amniotic fluid to help run their various contraptions. And they have a hidden agenda (much like England’s FA) that none of us are aware of.

Recently, one of us got “unplugged” with the help of some rebels on board a ship called the Emile Heskey. And he was shown the real world. To him, it did not come as much of a shock to know that humans now lived in an underground city battling sentinels when they threatened to breach Zion’s dock.

But when various programs were being uploaded into his brain, he was horrified when the operator ran the ‘EPL’ program and immediately leaped off the chair yelling, “Stop! It’s not true! Let me out! LET ME OUT!” before he fell down in a heap and sobbed like John Terry did on that night in Moscow (which actually never really happened).

For when he was plugged into the Matrix, he saw a completely different storyline to the one we have all known and practically memorised. Before he was tested with the jump program, he recorded a few video logs to describe exactly what happened in the real Premier League seasons over the years (It was a good thing he did because he failed the jump program and actually believed he fell to his death. The body cannot live without the mind, you know).

Video log #1

“This is a nightmare, a god damned nightmare! Everything that we have known and loved about the Premier League has all been a lie. The real EPL has been around for 23 years as well, with 20 teams competing every year. But all the similarities end there! Do you know who the current ‘Big 4’ clubs are? Blackpool, Queens Park Rangers, Wimbledon and Tottenham (who never won, thankfully)!

Can you believe it? Tottenham managed by Tony Pulis! I almost died! And Tony Pulis’s side played tiki-taka and he always used to yell at Juan Mata if he took long throw-ins or if Ryan Giggs punted the ball up field! And guess who the chairman of the FA is? Howard Webb! Nightmare…”

Video log #2

“I was going through the Premier League records and I was shocked to see that the second highest scorer of all time with 498 goals was none other than John Obi Mikel! He played for 11 seasons as a converted striker under Harry Redknapp and led Newcastle to back-to-back Premier League titles. Thrice! Of course, none of it would have been possible without his mercurial strike partner Ryan Shawcross.

He would have reached 500 goals if not for his unforeseen career ending injury when Arsene Wenger kicked a bottle which hit him squarely in the groin when Newcastle played Manchester City at Old Trafford. Yes, you heard that right! Manchester City, bankrolled by Roman Abramovich ended up buying Old Trafford when United’s owners, George Gillett and Tom Hicks, ran the club’s finances into a massive debt!

The bottle that halted John Obi Mikel’s scoring run!

Did I mention that the top scorer of all time was Emile Heskey? He won the Golden Boot 17 times in 18 seasons. It’s the main reason why the captain named his ship after him. The only reason, in fact.”

Video log #3

“My god! There were two Invincibles teams and both were unbeaten in the same season! Liverpool and Everton had played 37 games without a loss with the Merseyside derby set to decide who would be undefeated at the end of the season. The game ended 1-1 with Goodison Park legend Emmanuel Eboue cancelling out Juan Sebastián Verón’s first half scorpion kick goal; thereby confirming Queens Park Rangers as the champions that year. Yes, Liverpool and Everton were both undefeated but had too many draws in the season.

That season, the final day relegation battle was an engaging contest between Arsenal and Chelsea. But Nicklas Bendtner came to Arsenal’s rescue when he scored a spectacular 35-yard screamer of an own goal for Chelsea in the dying minutes which sent the Blues packing and into the Championship. Arsenal survived, only to be docked points a week later for flouting Financial Fair Play regulations and they too were relegated.”

Video Log #4

“I just want to die now. Someone kill me, please. Hull City had Dennis Bergkamp as their goalkeeper with Thierry Henry giving him competition. Cantona would have been the first choice striker at Hull had Bergkamp not kung-fu kicked him in a practice session while trying to clear a long ball just outside the box.

With a backline of Kevin Davies, Paul Scholes, Roy Keane and Patrick Vieira, Blackpool had the meanest defence ever with a 93.5% tackle success rate! Collectively, they had only 3 yellow cards across 14 seasons. And with Nathan Dyer between the sticks, they hold the record for averaging 31 clean sheets per season. Unbelievable numbers!

Okay, I have to go now. I’m needed for some more training by Captain Alex Ferguson. Yeah, don’t even ask me how that happened. Oh, and there’s also this girl on the ship who looks a lot like Eva Carneiro. I can’t decide between her and the woman in the red dress. Wait, which one is real again?

Anyway, I’m signing off. I’m needed for some kind of ‘Jump program’…”