Satire: India to host FIFA World Cup 2014

DISCLAIMER: The following article is written for humour purposes and should be read with a pinch of salt.

Coming soon to a ground near you!

Under mysterious circumstances, FIFA announced that instead of Brazil, India will be now hosting the FIFA World Cup 2014! Until last month, the World Cup was scheduled to be held in Brazil but FIFA stated Brazil wasn’t ‘financially’ capable to host the event. The international football fraternity was infuriated with the decision, with many people going on to say it’s blasphemy. Not surprisingly, the BCCI played a huge role in the curious turn of events.

In a recent press conference, BCCI President N Srinivasan stated that he was saddened with the current state of football in the country and thought that bringing the FIFA World Cup here would give a huge boost to the sport in the nation. He admitted that with the present quality of football in India, it would be very naive to assume that India would make it to the World Cup in the next 20 or 30 years; so the BCCI decided that if India couldn’t go to the World Cup, surely the World Cup could come here! India hosting the World Cup meant that the country would be playing in the tournament for the first time in history!

It’s not the first time cricket has helped in the promotion of other sports. For example, Navjot Singh Sidhu was seen in an advertisement promoting the Hockey India League which by the way was a success. Arsene Wenger, meanwhile, believes that even FIFA dances to the tune of gold. He said the fact that Brazil isn’t complaining one bit is a proof of the matter. In a press conference, Wenger requested the BCCI to buy the Arsenal Football Club as he would then have more money to spend in the Transfer Market. Zlatan Ibrahimovic was delighted with the inclusion of India in the World Cup as he believes it would give players like him better chances to score on the grandest stage of all.

The Italian team was unsure about the playing conditions in India, so the team management decided to do a tour of the stadiums which are to host the matches. The team management, with the entire squad of Italian players along with their coach, made the trip to survey the conditions. But on the day they were supposed to do a tour of the Salt Lake Stadium, Mario Balotelli was found missing from his room. The police were informed and after a frantic search which lasted about 6 hours, Balotelli was found playing ‘Gulli-Danda’ with kids from the slum in the opposite part of the city.

“Leave me alone! I’m getting really good at this!”

The BCCI wanted to have cheer leaders dancing in the stadiums to pull in the crowd, but the President of the FIFA vetoed against it saying unlike cricket, people come to the football stadiums to watch quality football, not girls dancing in mini skirts. The BCCI was very upset with the decision, but a section of the Indian Politicians welcomed the decision believing even FIFA is concerned about protecting Indian culture.

The AIFF has announced that Shahrukh Khan will be the coach of the Indian Football Team for the World Cup. The AIFF believes he could lead the nation to World Cup glory like he did with the Indian Women’s Hockey Team in the movie Chak de India! But Mr. Khan has humbly denied the honour saying that unlike hockey, Football lasts for 90 minutes, not 70 and it was a men’s team, not women’s. But he has promised to attend every match and sing “Korbo Lorbo Jeetbo Re” for the team.

Meanwhile, Bollywood is very excited to hear the news. Bipasha Basu is ecstatic as she can finally kiss Cristiano Ronaldo once again! Deepika Padukone is very happy as it would mean free promotions for her movies. But the biggest headline is that Ram Gopal Verma is planning a horror movie on the experiences of Sunil Chhetri and his men in the World Cup. Looks like RGV might finally have a hit movie to his name.

But the man of the moment is none other than the self-proclaimed rockstar Himesh Reshammiya! He had been awarded the contract to compose the official anthem of the FIFA World Cup 2014. And his song is already out and a big hit. The song is titled, “Gooooooooool Goooooooooooool Football”. The song is apparently composed to cause the visitors some serious physical and mental problems giving the Indians a better chance to win the World Cup. The top players have threatened not to participate in the World Cup if the song is not pulled off the air as their kids break into a series of fits every time the song is aired. Looks like Reshammiya’s plans are falling into place.

The BCCI has decided to appoint Navjot Singh Sidhu and Chetan Sharma for the pre-match analysis and the person anchoring the show would be none other than the gorgeous Mandira Bedi who supposedly has gained enormous knowledge on football. According to the BCCI, she gave a correct answer to every question they asked barring one, which ranged from, “In which country is the Barclays Premier League played?” to “Name 3 teams playing in the Barclays Premier League.” Reportedly, the only question she answered wrong was “Name 3 teams playing in La Liga.” She knew about Real Madrid and Barcelona bit couldn’t place a third.

Sunil Chhetri accused the media stating that Bollywood gossips and the BCCI achievements were doing more rounds in the channels than the Indian Football Team. Strangely, within 24 hours Chhetri came out publicly and appreciated the media on the good work they were doing. Even more strangely, that came exactly 2 hours after Poonam Pandey announced that she would strip for the members of the Indian squad should they bow out of the tournament in the group stage itself. When asked about the reason for such an outrageous action, she replied she would only be showing her ‘gratitude’ to the players for their ‘valiant’ efforts.

Amidst serious rumours arising that foul play might be involved in the sudden turn of events, Ravi Shastri came out in it’s defense, saying in the end, “Cricket, sorry, Football will be the winner!”