Satire: Jose Mourinho runs into Arsene Wenger while spreading holiday cheers.

Bitter rivals: Mourinho and Wenger.

“Arsène! Arsène!” Arsène Wenger hears someone calling his name out load and thinks to himself, “Who is this shouting my name and ruining my morning, or maybe it’s just a fan with another opinion for me, as if they know better.” With a displeased look on his face, Wenger looks ahead and frowns. “Either I am having another nightmare or it really is José that I am seeing”.

“Hey Arsène, how are you doing? Must be upbeat with the victory over the Magpies, eh?”

“What do you want, José? It’s one thing to publically humiliate me in the media, but you have some nerve to walk up to me and disrespect me to my face if that’s what your intentions are.”

“Oh, no, not at all. On the contrary, I’m just here to spread some holiday cheer. You know, start the Christmas celebrations a bit early this year”.

“Cocky, are we?” Wenger reveals a wide smirk as he taunts his rival. “Seems a bit strange given that Chelsea are no longer gunning for the invincible season. And add to that, City are hot on your heels now.”

“Oh, Arsène, say what you will, but I am the Special One. Nothing coming from you will deter my spirits. That loss against Newcastle last week was my early Christmas present to Manuel Pellegrini.

“And that brings me to my agenda,” Mourinho continued. “As I am spreading the joy of the holiday season, you are next up on my list. Your wish is my command, so go ahead and ask anything you want.I have one suggestion though which might interest you. I am willing to swap Cesc Fàbregas for Mesut Özil for the remainder of the season. Now how is that for a Christmas gift?”

“At this age, I do not need any presents and certainly not from you. Like I told Cesc earlier in the season, his position is well covered by Özil.”

“Hahaha! I’m so sorry Arsène, it’s the season of ‘Ho Ho Ho’, but you make me crack up. I wonder at times if maybe you chose the wrong profession. I think you would have done a stand up job in comedy. Arsène, I trust that you know that in the game of football, one of the important aspects is that of a player’s position. My special football senses are having a complex time figuring out how Özil playing towards the flanks can be compared to Cesc’s position at the heart of the midfield.”

“You mock me all you want right now, but everyone forgets how I successfully re-invented the careers of players such as Thierry Henry and Robin van Persie. I successfully converted them into lethal strikers. I prefer to convert good players from certain positions into great ones in different positions unlike you José. Spending heavily in the transfer market seems to give you a rush, but tell me. Can you manage to put your team in the Champions League year in and year out without investing so heavily in the transfer market?”

By now José could feel his cheeks turn a bit red. Or maybe it was just winter doing its job. After all, how could he feel intimidated by Wenger, a man who has never been able to defeat him? No, it definitely was the chill in the air that had swayed him for a moment.

Gathering his composure, Mourinho calmly utters in a voice barely distinguishable from a whisper. “Results, Arsène. It is all about the results. That is what the fans want, what the owners want. It doesn’t matter how we get them, it only matters if we get them. But I pity you and your fortunes. You made a bold move this summer in signing a new fitness trainer, but again you managed to crack me up.

“What are feeding your players, baby food?” Mourinho asked. “It must be demoralizing to have almost half the first team on the injured list. I actually had an idea about this as your New Year gift as well, but it is quite clear that you are a man who doesn’t like change.”

With a hint of irritation, Wenger decides he has had enough. “Yes, José, a man of my stature does not believe in change, so now that we have clarified things, I think I will be on my way. The only present I like comes at the end of the season when Arsenal qualifies in 3rd or 4th place for the Champions League. Consistency is what makes legends, it’s not winning silverware every few seasons. I have already achieved that in my early years, but it is the consistency of the Champions League qualification which must remain throughout.”

Shaking his head in disbelief and chuckling to himself, Mourinho gathers his festive spirits once again and exchanged goodbyes. “Ok then Arsène, can’t blame me for trying, eh? Wish you an advanced Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year”.

Extending his right hand, Wenger acknowledges “Thank you José, wish you the same.”

On his way forward, Mourinho ponders, “Old men never like change much, and they can be stubborn at times. I should have expected this. Yet, last year I thought Eto’o was an old man. Maybe I need to reconsider that after today.”

Disclaimer: The above article is meant for humour only. No hard feelings are meant towards anyone.