Satire: Jose Mourinho to bid for Ravindra Jadeja

Picture above: Jose 2.0

Disclaimer: All the quotes attributed to the Special One are actually said by a No One. The article is a work of fiction and meant to be in jest.

After the emotional reunion with his former – now current again – club, Chelsea, Jose Mourinho has gotten into gear and is swiftly into the scheme of things, plotting Chelsea’s assault on the Premier League title next season.

Central to his plans is the circus that is the transfer market. Ever the one with an eye for a signing, the ex – now not-ex again – Chelsea boss is looking at ways to reinvigorate his side in the lead-up to the new season. To do this, he knows that it is crucial to bolster the rather lackadaisical strike force that Chelsea possess.

With Fernando Torres still not looking anything like his menacing former self and Demba Ba more insistent on wearing his Robin-esque mask than scoring goals, a striker is high on the list of priorities for the Chelsea boss.

Said Mourinho, ‘Yes. Of course, I am the special one. I am the especially happy one as well now. However, this is not about me. Of course, most things are about me, but this is not particularly about me. This is about the striking options at Chelsea. It can clearly be seen that the strikers I have at my disposal are not what we need to conquer Europe and the Premier League and La Liga, and hence it is right on top of my list to rectify this issue.

‘As you know, I have a habit of doing things differently and thus have decided to sign a striker, albeit from a different sport. I was watching a cricket match the other day between India and the West Indies and was amazed by what I saw. Of course, I am always amazed by you English and how you watch this game that drags on and on, but that is besides the point. I am talking, in particular, about the performance of this player called Ravindra Jadeja.’

‘I was fascinated by the amount of love that he was getting on twitter and facebook, and even from the commentators. Now, you know that Jose 2.0 is all about love, and naturally I thought of how well he would fit in our side. I then tried to back this up with stats. I went through Torres’ scoring record and saw that he had struck only 8 times in 36 games whereas Jadeja had struck five times in a single game. This was mind-blowing!’

‘The happy one, me, also learnt from the vast expanses of the internet that Jadeja also has a cult following in his home country, so much so that he is, in fact, a spiritual Guru in his homeland. I am talking of Sir Sri Ravindra Jadeja, of course. I have heard that he gets a lot of love in India. Unfortunate as it may be, football is all about commercialization and globalization. Chelsea, I know, has been trying to get into the lucrative Indian market and this might well align perfectly with Chelsea’s interests as well. In this regard, he is pretty special and since I am no longer the special one, there is room for a special one in the team. Or perhaps a spiritual one. Or a special spiritual one.’

Ravindra Jadeja: The new Special One?

‘Since this is England, and there is the home-grown players rule that is soon to come into effect, I was a little disheartened with regards Jadeja. However, on further search, I found that he had, some time in the past, been knighted “Sir Ravindra Jadeja.” Now, I do not know too much of the English culture but I do know enough to know that only Britishers care about knighthoods. Thus, I see no problem in this regard either. Added to all this, he also has the requisite Premier League and Champions League experience. Added to all this, I have heard that he is very good in the covers and is an excellent shot-stopper. Petr (Cech), as you are aware, is getting along in years and we are looking for suitable cover. A shot-stopper would be most preferred.

When quizzed about the nature of the deal, he said, ‘we look forward to taking part in the auction for the next Premier League and snapping him up on a bargain. By bargain, I, of course, mean a bargain by Roman’s standards. Something in the range of, say, 51 million pounds. We are even thinking of readying a swap deal that involves John Terry. After all, he is a one-club man and, from what I hear, cricket needs players who can club the ball.’

Disclaimer: All the quotes attributed to the Special One are actually said by a No One. The article is a work of fiction and meant to be in jest.