Satire: Manchester United give Barcelona a call for Cesc Fabregas

Hola! Mr. Moyes. (Getty Images)

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. The events, however, might have happened, in which case, we shall endeavour to call this a ‘true story.’

The participants of the telephone conversation:

Ed Woodward - Executive Vice Chairman, Manchester United | David Moyes - Manager, Manchester United | Sandro Rosell - President, Barcelona Football Club | Arsene Wenger - Manager, Arsenal | Cesc Fabregas - Player, Barcelona

Woodward: Hello, Rosell , ol’ chap!

Rosell : Hello, Mr. Ed.

Moyes: HullorRosell !

Rosell : What, Mr. Moyes?

Moyes: I said, HullorRosell !

Rosell : What?

Woodward: You must pardon our new manager’s Scottish accent. He only greets you.

Wenger: Good evening everybody.

Everybody: Good evening, Arsene.

Everybody: Hello, Cesc.

Cesc: Hola, everybody!

Woodward: Good, now that everyone has greeted everyone else, we shall quickly move on to business. Rosell , we need Cesc.

Wenger: Rosell , we need Cesc.

Rosell : Rosell , we need Cesc.

Woodward and Wenger: What?

Rosell : That is how ridiculous it sounds.

Woodward: Enough of these childish games. Rosell , we need Cesc.

Wenger: Rosell , we need Cesc.

Rosell : Rosell , we need Cesc.

Woodward and Wenger: What? Again?

Rosell : I could go on all day, you know. This is fun.

Woodward: Enough of this. How much is it going to cost us, Rosell ?

Rosell : More than you are willing to pay, Woodward.

Woodward: And what are we willing to pay, Rosell ?

Rosell : You tell me, Woodward.

Woodward: 25 million.

Rosell : Ha!

Woodward: 30 million.

Rosell : Tsk tsk.

Wenger: 20 million.

Rosell : Eh?

Wenger: Come on, man! We are Arsenal.

Rosell : You have my sympathies, Arsene. But not my player. Ha ha ha!

Wenger: The joke is on you, Rosell . We have first option on Cesc, remember?

Rosell : Yes. You have first option if Barcelona want to sell Cesc. Now, however, Barcelona does not want to sell. Manchester United wants to buy. There is a difference.

Wenger: Damn. *French expletive removed*

Rosell : As we were talking, Mr. Ed…

Woodward: 30 million 500 thousand.

Rosell : Yawn!

Woodward: 31 million.

Rosell : Yawn again.

Moyes: Lettimgo Ed.

Woodward: Not after coming this far, David.

Moyes: Cesc der yer wanttar play for Manchester Yonited?

Cesc: Eh? I cannot understand you, Mr. Moyes.

Moyes: Yer cannat understand me, ye?

Cesc: I cannot, Sir.

Moyes: ’twill be perfect then. We will get along jerst fine.

Woodward: Cesc, United is a great club. We have a brilliant tradition. Any player would love to play for United. You should too.

Cesc: Well, I don’t know. You know that I have a history with Arsenal.

Woodward: Have no worries about that, Cesc. We have a history of former Arsenal captains coming to our club and winning titles.

Wenger: Give us Robin van Persie and we will give you Cesc.

Woodward: Cesc is not yours to give, Arsene.

Wenger: But we have first option on him.

Woodward: Rosell , would you please indulge Mr. Wenger?

Rosell : Yes. You have first option if Barcelona want to sell…

Wenger: God damn English! *French expletive removed*

Moyes: Cesc, I will let yer play anywherr yer want. Even as the goalkeeper.

Cesc: It does sound tempting…

Moyes: And I will give yer any jersey number yer want. Even mine.

Cesc: Well…

Woodward: There you go, Rosell . Personal terms have been agreed. 31 million then. It is done.

Rosell : No.

Woodward: Oh come on now, man! Be a sport!

Rosell : How about a player of yours?

Woodward: Who do you have in mind?

Rosell : Rooney.

Moyes: Wayne Rooney is er Manchester Yenited player and will remain so.

Woodward: Shut up, David. This is not a press conference.

Moyes: Yerright. Sell the bloody bugger!

Woodward: So if it is Rooney, then you owe us Cesc and 2 million. Deal?

Rosell : Well, I don’t know. 2 million is a lot of money, you know.

Woodward: So apart from the money, the deal is on, then?

Rosell : Well, 2 million is a lot of money, you know.

Woodward: Alright then, tell you what; since you’re my good friend, I will sweeten the deal for you.

Rosell : I’m all ears.

Woodward: Give us Cesc. In return, we give you Rooney plus two million*

Rosell : I believe gentlemen, that we have a deal.

Woodward: Good thing that this was a telephone conversation.

Rosell : Why do you say that?

Woodward: Well, you haven’t seen the star.

Rosell : What star?

Woodward: The asterisk that generally means ‘conditions apply’.

Rosell : What conditions?

Woodward: Remember the two million that we gave you? Well, it does not come free.

Rosell : What does it come with then?

Woodward: Bebe. Goobye, Rosell .

The transfer ends. Manchester United ends up with Cesc Fabregas, Barcelona with Wayne Rooney, two million and Bebe. Sandro Rosell ends up ashen-faced and Arsene Wenger with a ringing in his ear.