Satire: Not all doom and gloom at Old Trafford

Dear fellow Manchester United fans,

Hello. How are you doing? Never mind; don’t answer that. At the outset, let me wish you a very happy new year; er, happy new year; er, new year. You know, what, forget I said anything at all. Let’s start over.

Dear fellow Manchester United fans,

I, like so many of you, saw that defeat to Swnasea City in the FA Cup last night and first, and foremost, let me share my sympathies with you. I am as hurt as you are by the debacle that has been the past few games at Old Trafford. David Moyes seems to be taking longer than expected to get things right and the cracks seem to be showing. The title looks to be beyond reach and even a Top 4 seems to be far away. Players seem to be injured all the time and the ones that aren’t seem to be playing poorly. In short, things appear bleak.

However, dear fellow fans, fear not for, in dire times such as this, we must always turn to those great words of wisdom that Messrs. Monty Python gave us – always look on the bright side of life. In keeping with this, I have – against all odds – come up with positives (yes, those opposites of negatives) from yesterday’s defeat. I shall try and keep them brief. Read on.

• It was the first time in the history of the Premier League that a midfield comprised to numbers in a sequence of arithmetic progression that began with the number 23. Cleverley – 23, Fletcher – 24, Valencia – 25, and Kagawa – 26. This has never before been achieved in the history of the Premier League; a true world first. No, wait, last night was an FA Cup game, you say? Er, let’s not nitpick, shall we? We shall revel in the numerical brilliance instead.
• The defeat yesterday ensured that there will no chance of a Wembley heartbreak. United will, of course, not partake in anything that remotely resembles and FA Cup final.
• Rio’s injury means that he will stay away from the pitch for a while.
• On the balance of play, Rio is also likely to get a contract extension just so he can have another go at winning the FA Cup
• Fabio’s red card means that he too will be out of action for a while – a while here, of course, could stretch the barriers of infinity
• Anderson’s non-appearance means that he now holds the record for most number of bum-hours spent on one seat in one dugout – a noteworthy achievement
• Fellaini’s continuing non-involvement just further proves the uselessness of the money spent on him; the philanthropy shown towards Everton by Manchester United is all the more admirable
• With the result confirming the urgent need to inject pace into the play, and with most of the pacy players being unlikely to move in January, the chances of a January swoop for Usain Bolt seem all the more likely
• Finally, the defeat was a cup defeat but it was only the FA Cup; United are still very much in the hunt for the David Moyes’ top priority – the Capital One Cup

As you can well see, there are a whole lot of positives to come out of the defeat yesterday. So, fear not, fellow fans for not for nothing is it oft said – every dark cloud has a Silver Linings Playbook. Jennifer Lawrence. *Wink wink nudge nudge*