[SATIRE] Rare Diaby sighting reported at London Colney

The photo is grainy, and there are those who would cast doubt on its veracity, claiming it to be a crudely Photoshopped hoax, but believers swear it to be irrefutable proof that a creature know as Sasquatch, Bigfoot, or perhaps more officially Homo sapiens aboudensis.

Though the photo is grainy and out of focus, it purports to capture the languid movements of a player rarely seen in these parts but who is reported to make occasional appearances as the seasons turn. Witnesses to the sighting suggest that the beast stands close to 1.9m and may weigh as many as 80kg. He was said to be moving gingerly but with a grace and languidity that belie the gangly frame.

Scientists have been called in to study the photo as well as the grounds on which the sighting took place near the Arsenal Training Centre in Hertfordshire, England. If confirmed, it is suggested that this entity, this speciemn, might someday soon be seen running box-to-box on various pitches across England, laying waste to those who dare to oppose. In particular, the residents of Liverpool, Manchester, and various sections of London itself have been advised to take necessary precautions to protect themselves lest they feel the full brunt of his awesome, if rarely displayed, prowess.

It is unclear what has prompted the reappearance of the aboudensis, but scientists speculate that the changing of the season, the closing of the winter transfer-window, and the flagging hopes of the Arsenal faithful have inspired him from his hibernation. His sighting has been likened to a new signing, as true a sign of the arrival of spring as the first robin or tulip in bloom.

Furthermore, it is anyone’s guess as to whether this sighting is more like the Groundhog’s Day of legend, in which the groundhog emerges from his burrow. If it is cloudy and he cannot see his shadow, he returns, and spring is indeed here. If, however, it is sunny and he sees his own shadow, we are in for another six weeks of winter.

With the Prem season itself set to close on 11 May, but with a potential 17 May FA Cup final also hanging in the balance, it was unclear whether or not he did or did not see his shadow. One thing is certain: anxious onlookers will study this and other portents to come.