Satire: Roman Abramovich's diary - Squad check

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction and meant to be in jest. All opinion expressed are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect those of Sportskeeda.

Dear diary,

I just read that Spain got past Italy via penalties and booked their place in the ‘FIFA Confederations Cup’ final. I mean, what sort of a competition is that? Even if I could somehow get to own the Spanish or Brazilian teams, just like my current toy, I still wouldn’t be interested in winning this competition. I know, it’s an international event, but I’d prefer targeting the bigger fishes like the Euros, or the World Cup and hire (and then fire?) managers once in a while rather than waste my precious time thrashing a tiny island in the Pacific.

Why does FIFA even conduct these tournaments in the off-season? It tires the players which is a bad sign for their clubs. On further thought, I realize that it affects my club quite a bit – 7 players of mine are taking part. David Luiz and Oscar are sure starters for Brazil, while Mikel and Moses are Nigeria’s key men. On the other hand, Juan Mata‘s astonishing stats from 2 seasons of English football are still not sufficient to convince del Bosque that he deserves a start. He still prefers some combination of Busquets, Xavi, Iniesta, Fabregas, and Pedro in midfield. Even rival players such as Cazorla and Silva are not given their due. And then there is the issue of Cesar ‘Dave’ Azpilicueta, who is, for reasons unknown to me, considered inferior to Alvaro Arbeloa in the Spanish national team.

Mata and Azpilicueta not getting their due for Spain means that they are fresh for the Special One’s second stint – just what I want! By now, you might be wondering why I have not mentioned Fernando Torres yet. It is because I’m sending him off, just like how I parted with Andriy Shevchenko. I’m just waiting for a decent bid of anything around 30 million pounds to arrive, but even that is looking as likely as me sticking by a manager for more than 2 years. However, I still cling on to two hopeful schemes – deadline day and/or Rafa ‘Interim’ Benitez.

Deadline day, as always, promises to be a lottery. If I make Torres’ availability public, I’m certain of attracting the price I’m looking for; so I’m not so keen to worry about El Nino’s future just yet. On top of my agenda, however, is demoting the young Belgian Romelu Lukaku further down the pecking order by buying Edinson Cavani for 53 million. Dear Rafa being the Napoli manager would make negotiations simpler – he’d be delighted to work with my Spanish striker any day.

Also, he should feel compelled to sell me any player of his, this is the least he can do in return to my enormous favour of not sacking him mid-term last season. Then, I’m going to pounce on Cavani. Jose has already told me how much Real desire Gareth Bale, and they are in the market for Lewandowski and Suarez as well; I honestly feel they are biting off more than what they can chew here. So I believe Cavani is mine for the taking. Yet again, I will not hesitate to part with an extraordinary sum of money on a top class striker. Shevchenko and Torres didn’t work out as I wanted, but can I be third-time lucky with Cavani perhaps?

By now, my thoughts have wavered to other areas of the team, the midfield, for instance. John Obi Mikel wants to move to Galatasaray following advice from our hero Didier Drogba. On the monetary front, he is not going to profit me much because they are likely to offer about the same price that I purchased him for, a long while ago. Speaking of him, if I were asked to summarize Mikel, I believe the only time he made headlines in England was when he arrived as the subject of an amusing three-club tussle. He never moved much on the pitch to make a huge difference – thus only his transfer moves seem to fill the newspapers.

Speaking of newspapers, I read frequent reports claiming that Jose isn’t convinced with Mata and David Luiz. Now, I believe it is the work of some newspapers in Spain who still cannot pass a day without having stories of Jose or his team grace their pages. Barca, having already bought Neymar, apparently, want our inspirational duo too. It just does not make sense. So, when I asked Jose whether he really is ‘unconvinced’ by them, he simply reminded me why he took up this job again.

I then realized that, unlike last time, he has a certain degree of control in transfer dealings this time, and I’m also not supposed to interfere with team affairs. That conversation has put me on a sticky wicket – is he actually planning to let them go, or is he simply playing around trying to give me the creeps? Whatever he thinks, the only way I’m going to sell my top duo to Barcelona is if they agree to sell Leo Messi in return (that way, Leo wouldn’t have the daunting task of scoring past Cech in big games – training sessions will be a story for another day), which I know, won’t happen. So, Mata and Luiz stay. That is final.

Considering the younger brigade now – I must really sort out some players like Piazon, McEachran, de Bruyne and Marin. (Marin has already been banished temporarily to Sevilla) When I first saw the former trio, I never thought they would be this good. Their situations have started to stress me a bit. Selling them for a nice sum would be an easy way out, but I will face criticism more than ever.

Promoting youngsters from the fringes to the first team has not always been my cup of tea (I still do not understand how Ryan Bertrand didn’t get frustrated and got through my youth system after all those loans across this country’s leagues), but these kids are seriously talented. I somehow managed it last year by shipping out 23 players temporarily, and I’m afraid, that cannot continue being the theme again this summer.

Trying to give the world an impression of a ‘young Chelsea‘, I cannot afford to sell them now without giving them a fair run in the main team. To make matters worse, there is talk of me bidding up to 38 million pounds to get Nemanja Matic from Benfica, who, if you remember, I offered them for next-to-nothing to get David Luiz on that crazy deadline day in January 2011. Gosh!

In another area of the team-sheet, I have suddenly realized Petr Cech is my only senior goalkeeper for the upcoming season. I must point this out to Mourinho fast – he seems too engrossed in treating the media to stories of love and reunions. After a quick run through FIFA 13, I have shortlisted three candidates – Shay Given, Mark Schwarzer, and Brad Friedel to be Petr’s deputy. It is Jose’s turn now to decide. I can buy either of these goalies on the cheap, so no FFP to worry about for now.

Coming back to my strikers, I want Edinson Cavani in Chelsea Blue at all costs. If I cannot smuggle Torres out by the deadline, I’m afraid I’l have to let Jose try him out in central midfield, on the wing, or just about anywhere other than up-front, or simply send him the way of Florent Malouda! His current stats are simply not good enough for a Chelsea primary striker’s standards. As for the other lads, Lukaku must be making an appearance off the bench once in a while (you get the strategy right? – one season with the reserves here, another on loan, now a frequent substitute, and then a regular in future) and Demba Ba must still be around to kiss my holy turf whenever he scores.

Behind closed doors, Emelano and Mourinho have made up and reached some sort of a reconciliation – that is, identified a set of transfer targets acceptable to both. That is quite a remarkable achievement in itself. And, before I forget, to general delight, Eva Carneiro has just signed an extension!

I sign off with this mandatory pledge (I have practised this over the last one month, putting in painstaking efforts) : “I will not sack my manager this season even if results falter.“

Until next time,

Roman Abramovich

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction and meant to be in jest. All opinion expressed are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect those of Sportskeeda.