Satire: Santa reveals the Christmas Wishlist: Part I

HO HO HO!

With Christmas quite as well knocking the door, it is expected to see people waiting by their bed for me to get rewarded. Bunch of greedy peeps, you know. Hell, I know you think I don’t exist – but so doesn’t the child inside Robin Van Persie. It is all about what you choose to believe.

You are a good child, so I will tell you about what the Football players and managers want from me this time.

Let me tell you, there is no Zlatan the cocky ‘Too-big-for-me’ Ibrahimovic in the list. The note I found under his pillow stated, and I quote: ‘Zlatan doesn’t need Santa. Zlatan has everything. Santa needs Zlatan.’

Moving on, let’s take a look at what the insignificant bunch of players have on their list. It’s a long one, so I will come up with a series.

Lionel Messi: Dear Santa, I want you to tell people that I can play without Xavi and Iniesta. Also, tell the English football fans that I can score a hat-trick even in a cold winter-y night at the Britannia stadium. I might not look strong and firm, but so didn’t Mata or Silva. I am legend, no matter what. I can play and score anywhere.

Arsene Wenger: Lionel Messi’s son please.

Xavi Hernandez: A burglar alarm for Lionel Messi’s house to shoo away Arsene Wenger because he ruins our private moments.

Wayne Rooney: Hey Santa, can you produce a Shrek movie with real humans in it? I really want something more than football, something you know that makes me happy. I can be Shrek, and Coleen is ready to play Princess Fiona’s part, and Luis Suarez would be glad to play Donkey. Hugs and Kisses.

Fernando Torres: A bigger net should be used in football. Please, Santa. Please. Please. Please.

Samir Nasri: Hey man, you give me money. I want money. I want more money. Give me. Also, give me golden bench.

Cristiano Ronaldo: Hey Santa, I want a neuralyzer, like the one Will Smith used in Men in Black. Why? Well you know Santa, I am not pretty loved by football fans. They think I am arrogant and cocky. I know I am rich, handsome and a great player, but that has nothing to do with my personality. I want the fans to meet the real Cristiano Ronaldo, not the poster boy they often take me for. So, I will use the neuralyzer on them, and they will see a whole new Ronaldo.

Mario Balotelli: I want your job, maan; you su*k! Who rides a frigging reindeer, when you can ride a Bentley.