Satire - Tales from the football tabloids – Sunday 2nd June

The Sunday Mirror

A tame effort from The Mirror, lacking the volume of The People. The overall tone of the paper is that all the main journos are off on the piss in Brazil, leaving the work experience kid to fill the copy. The news that Manuel Pellegrini plans to have a meeting with his staff is the main story the paper leads with. Wait, the new manager wishing to meet staff and discuss plans for the future? A shock story indeed that we must all take time to digest. That NEVER happens in say…Football Manager.

Erick Pieters is rumoured to be Mark Hughes’ first signing at Stoke, a story which is mildly interesting, but is not going to win a circulation war amongst gossip hungry fans. Interestingly, the stories about Heitinga to Fenerbahce and Mulumbu to Fiorentina are duplicated from The Sun. I would never for one minute suggest that this is the work of a desperate sub-editor trying to fill space by lifting stories from elsewhere. No siree. The Mirror needs to up its game big time to get back in transfer contention. Let’s hope the piss up in Brazil has inspired some creative juices.

The Daily Star on Sunday

The wild-card of the 4. Capable of linking Robin van Persie with a free transfer to St.Mirren one week, whilst nailing a hot scoop the next, no-one can be entirely sure of the accuracy of their content – even the writers themselves at times, but it’s always damn entertaining reading nonetheless. When The Star is good, it’s very good and today is that day. The back page itself comes with three scorchers – Luiz and Ivanovic off to Barcelona for £40m as revealed by the gloriously titled Harry Pratt (who for years I thought was some journo insider dig at Harry Harris). Then City spending £100m on Cavani, Isco, Fernandinho, Marquinhos and the aforementioned Navas and, finally, the fact that Arsenal are struggling to put together a contract to satisfy Wayne Rooney. Turn the page and the pace continues. Yohan Cabaye interests PSG, Spurs and Arsenal. Hulk could be off to Spurs and Clement Grenier and Julio Cesar are said to be off to Arsenal. Intriguingly, Harry Redknapp is linked with a move to Everton, a story that would have absolutely everything to do with ******CENSORED*******.

Allegedly.

The incessant transfer pace continues in the paper:- Steven Nzonzi to leave Stoke, Max Clayton to join Man United or Liverpool, Maarten Stekelenburg to Fulham and Arturo Vidal to Man City, strangely not mentioned in the back page story. But who’s looking for journalistic consistency in transfer stories?

Blistering stuff from The Star who have set the pace for the others to match during the summer. Will they rise to the challenge next week? Time will tell.

Disclaimer: This is a piece written for humorous purposes and should be taken in jest.