Satire: The Jose Mourinho Diaries- Countering Rafael Benitez's diabolical plan to ruin Chelsea

Jose Mourinho

Dear Diary,

I wish I could tell you just how special the Special One is feeling today, but words fail me. Coming back home to Stamford Bridge has pretty much left my mind blank, and for the first time I understand how Gervinho feels when he’s clean through on goal. The Premier League hasn’t changed since the time I’ve been away to be honest. AVB’s still here working somewhere in the heart of dark lanes, Rodgers is still training with young kids and the only cups Arsenal have are in their club canteen.

The only major difference I see is that Sir Alex’s time has finally come to an end, which is surprising considering how important extra time has been in the man’s life. Nonetheless, I’ll miss sharing a glass of wine with him after our matches, and I’ll miss seeing him on the touch line chewing the same piece of gum the ancient Mayans made centuries ago. But jokes apart, the Premier League will never be the same again without him, and mind games will never be as much fun ever again.

Anyway, everything feels as amazing as it did before. I’ve eased back into life in west London thanks to a lot of familiar scenes back at the Bridge- Frankie Lampard banging in his long rangers off the upright, John Obi Mikel banging his long rangers off the underside of the floodlights, Josh McEachran trying to make his way up and Florent Malouda working his way down to the reserves. Ah the nostalgia!

At this point, dear diary, I want to confess to you about something. On a rainy day five years ago, I remember sneaking into Anfield in a clothes trolley (yes, it works multiple times.) There I overheard Rafa Benitez telling Fernando Torres, “I have a clever plan to try and destroy Chelsea. You in?’ You can imagine the magnitude of my curiosity and fears. A few years later, as Fernando completed his transfer to Chelsea, doubt crept into my head. And then when Rafa Benitez did the same after a few seasons, I feared the worst.

So from that day, ‘Operation- Get Rid of Madrid’ was in place, and I decided to come back. I did everything I could to get Real to dump me, I benched Casillas, I picked fights with Ronaldo and that tackle-happy thug Pepe, and I flirted shamelessly with Chelsea. Eventually I finally got what I wanted, a ticket out of Madrid, via an immensely satisfying detour over Rafa’s ambitions.

But now that the nostalgia slowly dies down, the realization dawn on me. There’s work to be done. So here’s what I’ve decided to do in my second spell back in charge-

Firstly, I figure it’s extremely important to keep up the high spirits of the squad. So naturally, I started by handing Eva Carneiro a 5-year-deal. I figure it’ll do its bit throughout the next few seasons.

The next thing I did was to try and negate the other half of Rafa’s diabolical scheme, by relegating Fernando Torres to the bench. Now I understand that to do this, I would need to fulfill two criterias- One, that he obviously needs to be really good and two, that he needs to be someone who the club will take to pretty easily. So I chose this German kid called Andre Schurrle. He’s fast, he’s an excellent finisher, and basically he’s everything that Torres isn’t. Plus he looks like a taller Damien Duff, so I’m guessing the club will take to him very soon.

The third and last would be to tell the media that I’m interested in Edinson Cavani, Hulk, Robert Lewandowski and Wayne Rooney. That’ll make sure that PSG and Real recklessly spend their money before the transfer window has even begun, while I sit down and think about mine in peace. Well, that’s about it for now! Will write as soon as I possibly can.

Jose.