Page 2 - Satire: Wayne Rooney, Luis Suarez and Gareth Bale

Bale: I told him how good it is at Tottenham. I told him about Andre Villas Boas’ superb coaching methods and how he gets the best out of his players, we spoke about the atmosphere at the Lane, and about Levy. I also discussed transfer fees. I asked him to hand a transfer request. It’s a simple calculation. I am going to cost £100 million, he cost them £80. I spoke about the prospect of a £20 million + Ronaldo deal for Bale. He wasn’t too keen on the idea. He said, he’d rather compete against one Leo Messi in La Liga rather than some ‘angry’ and ‘sharp’ players in the EPL. Looks like all the good players, like me, are gradually leaving the EPL.

Rooney: Enough of talking about that guy. This wasn’t the purpose of our meet. We want to talk about you Gareth. Are you sure that you will be playing at Real Madrid this season?

Bale: I am. I asked Luka Modric earlier this summer. He advised me to keep fit and do as the manager orders to. He said that Levy is a champion negotiator. Levy will squeeze money out of Perez once again like Luka last summer, and stretch this till the deadline. It will happen, definitely.

Rooney: So, you are confident about your move considering last year’s experience with Modric. All the best!

Bale: Thanks! So, what about the two of you?

Suarez: The least said, the better. If I open my mouth, they say I am not behaving like a true Kop. If I keep my mouth shut, they say I’m keeping everybody in the dark.

Rooney: Again, he talks about opening his mouth! Somebody, get him away from this country as soon as possible.

Suarez: That was exactly what I wanted to do Wayne. The media here does not let me lead a normal life.

Bale: I understand Luis, but isn’t Arsenal also in England?

Suarez: Of course, it is. There lies the problem. I do not seem to interest Real Madrid, because they are spending so much on you! Barcelona got Neymar and they are done for the summer. Bayern have Guardiola as their manager, which means, even a striker as good as me cannot start. So, the options are limited. Further on the downside, nobody apart from Arsenal have even bid. It is a very tricky situation.

Rooney: Yes. By the way Luis, we have been hearing a lot of rumours about your contract. Does it, or does it not, have a release clause in it?

Suarez: Poor Luis does not know. Neither does his agent.

Bale and Rooney (stunned): What?

Suarez: All that Liverpool told me was, if there was a suitable bid in future, they will consider. According to them, I am worth much more than 40 million plus 1 pound. Apparently, 40 million triggers something in my contract. What, I do not know.

Rooney: Tricky situation. But why do you prefer a move to Arsenal when they have got as much chance of winning a trophy as Liverpool?

Suarez: I can play in the Champions League at least. Something that does not look possible if I continue my career at Liverpool. They make the same promises every summer but break them eventually. ‘This year is our year’, they keep saying. For them, it is all about pride. Pride, they feel, is more important than actually winning some trophies. That is why they are still so angry with Torres. He wanted trophies. He left, and he got them. I want to do the same at Arsenal. If not trophies, I want Champions League experience at least. Inspite of selling their best players every summer, they keep doing it every year, do not ask me how.

Bale: Now, I get your point Luis. You wanted to move abroad, but when no interest was declared, you changed your stance. All you want to do now is to play in the Champions League. Isn’t it?

Suarez: Yes. And win some trophies probably.

Bale: Well, even Tottenham can give you that chance. They will use the money they get from my move, to move you there. Interested in Spurs?

Suarez: If you listened properly Gareth, I said Champions League, NOT Europa League.

Bale (slightly taken aback at this dig): Well, it’s a very close race there for 4th spot. But, why haven’t you officially requested for a transfer yet?

Suarez: I do not want to force it now. From my past experience, I understand that the window tends to get crazy towards the end. For example, who in their right minds would have thought of pairing me with Andy Carroll? I hope a top, title challenging club bids for me when the deadline is approaching. If they do not, I will force the move to ’4th place trophy’ chasing Arsenal at the eleventh hour.

Rooney: Can you make it in time then?

Suarez: Yes, I have been taking some valuable tips from Fernando Torres lately on how to engineer a move away from Liverpool on deadline day. That guy is extremely clever. Too bad it does not translate to the pitch for him nowadays.

Rooney: So, you have got it all planned. If Arsenal and Liverpool do not break the deadlock soon, you will bide your time till the last day. Then, you will act, like Torres. Correct?

Suarez: Yes.

Bale: But what about Liverpool, mate? You’ve got to feel for them. They won’t have time for a replacement. What if they do another Carroll?

Suarez: Who cares? I’ve devoted two and a half years of my life caring for them. I cannot keep caring for them all my career. I have trophies to win elsewhere.

Rooney: Oh, dear Luis! Do you remember how Liverpool stood by you during your tough times? Now, you are backstabbing them. Can’t you learn a thing or two about loyalty from your captain Steven Gerrard?

Suarez (sarcastically): Look who is talking about loyalty!

Bale: Haha! Coming to you, why are you so desperate Wayne?

Rooney: Fergie, the old fox, thought he needed a striker inspite of having me, Danny, and Chicarito at his disposal. He bought that ‘van’ last summer. Unexpectedly, the ‘van’ raced away to glory, knocking poor Wayne off pole position. He replaced me on the pitch, and gradually, he took my position of the darling of Old Trafford as well. All in one year. Poor Wayne was forgotten. Wayne, England’s undisputed number one striker, was made to play in all sorts of positions. Just behind the striker (that guy) and on the wing sometimes – that was partly acceptable. But the last straw was when he once played me in central midfield. Imagine the shame – an out-and-out striker in central midfield doing all the dirty work, while that ‘van’ raced away to glory with minimum number of touches of the ball! I need to prove a point. I am not done as a striker yet, as Fergie thinks. Fergie still has some control and if I stay on, he will soon advise Moyes to convert me into a center back! Shouldn’t I be ‘angry and confused’ with this?

Bale and Suarez: Yes, we understand your difficulties Wayne. It is a sad situation to be in. You entertained them over the years, the supporters loved you, you were an automatic starter. Now, another player has entered in style and stolen your thunder within a year and you have been cast aside as ‘backup’.

Rooney: I’m glad that at least somebody understands me. Kudos, guys.

Bale: We understand that you are desperate to leave. Apart from the reasons you mentioned, isn’t David Moyes also one of the reasons?