Satire: Wayne Rooney, Luis Suarez and Gareth Bale - A secret discussion

Rooney: He is the one who classified me as ‘backup’, something Fergie never did. Who needs Wayne when they have Robin? Being England’s number one striker, I do not want to be playing second fiddle to anybody in the World Cup year. Coming back to David, he is bad at press conferences. Why can’t he just tell the world the truth? “Wayne is not for sale” the board have taught him, he repeats that everyday. The truth is, they are waiting for the right price to sell me off!

Bale: Since Chelsea are the only interested party, I doubt whether money will be a big issue eventually. But why them, Wayne?

Rooney: I’d rather be part of a strong bus with an experienced driver than play second fiddle to a van which may break down at the slightest hint of a petty road accident.

Bale: Sigh, the very bus which blocked our Champions League ambitions last summer. Cleverly put Wayne!

Rooney: They have a great manager, a decent defense…

Suarez: They have Ivanovic!

Rooney: If your intentions are something other than football, please go away Luis.

Rooney: Coming back to Chelsea, they have a midfield overloaded with the best talent in the world, a 20 year old wannabe striker, and £60m of crap (Torres and Ba, I mean). That is why, they need somebody like Wayne who guarantees 20+ league goals a season. If Manchester United’s midfield junk can help me score that many number of goals, imagine how many ‘Mazacar’ can assist me with. It’s a very tempting prospect of teaming up with them. Besides, they have a great chance of winning the league this time, with Mourinho back.

Bale: Are you sure you will be the number one striker there?

Rooney: Why else will they bid for me? As I said, that kid Lukaku has bags of potential, a definite Drogba in the making. He is the only true competitor. As for the others, (Rooney is rather angry here) are you seriously doubting my chances against them?

Suarez: No we aren’t. But, will the fans accept you?

Rooney: First think about yourself Luis. Will Arsenal fans, who pride themselves for their decency and courteousness, accept you and your antics? Initially they will not. But when you start proving yourself on the pitch, they will start getting behind you and support you. As for Chelsea, some of the fans could accept Rafa Benitez towards the end. Will I prove to be as difficult to support as Rafa?

Bale: But Wayne, even you haven’t formally submitted a transfer request like Luis. Why?

Rooney: For the same reasons. Though it will cost my new club a lot, I do not want to give United time to search for a replacement. I want this transfer stretched to the deadline.

Bale: On the 26th of August, we have Manchester United vs Chelsea. You will still be a Red Devil that day. Will you play?

Rooney: Even if the manager wants me to, I will not.

Rooney: That will seal the deal. United will know clearly. There is no use in keeping an unhappy player, especially during the World Cup year. It’s neither good for the player, nor the club. Summary – I am moving to Chelsea.

Suarez: Time to end this discussion. All of us are changing clubs, just before / on deadline day then? We are all stabbing our current clubs. They will get loads of money, but no time to sign our replacements. True?

Bale: Ah! My Spurs should have no problems in that respect. Look at what they did last season – signed Dempsey and Dembele on deadline day! And a couple of years before that – Rafael van der Vaart. He was even sold in similar circumstances last year! Levy is very shrewd and cunning in this business.

Suddenly, a tennis ball zooms out of nowhere and hits Rooney in the face. The confused forward is even more perplexed as to where it came from. He starts to recollect an old story he learnt in his childhood -the story of a man named Isaac Newton, the architect of a science called physics. He is shaken out of his musing by a loud call by Luis Suarez -”Hi there, Rafa!”.

Rafael Nadal emerges out of the darkness.

Bale: So, you called him here Luis? Incredible! I thought only footballers meet at this place.

Suarez: I won’t discuss anything related to football. I just wanted to take a few tips from him.

Bale: Tips? What for?

Suarez: I’m going to win trophies in future, ain’t I?

Bale: Yes, you are. But why Rafa Nadal specifically?

Suarez: I’l tell you. Here -

Rooney and Bale: Oh s***!

Rooney (to Bale): Let’s leave before Rafa sees us. Quick.

Rooney (to Suarez): Farewell Luis, from Wayne Rooney and Gareth Bale. Hope to come up against you soon on the pitch. Good day!

Suarez: (slurp) The prospect is tempting!

Bale (alarmed) : Wait a second! Who said anything about Gareth Bale? All along, did you think I was Bale?

Rooney (now totally shocked!): Then, Who are you?

Bale: I am Kenneth McEvoy – Spurs youth team player. They call me ‘Baby Bale’ since I look exactly the same. I have fooled both of you ever since this discussion started! Google me, you’ll know.

Suarez (sharply): Then, where is the ‘real’ Gareth Bale now?

McEvoy: In Madrid of course, finalizing personal terms of a world record deal!

McEvoy runs away. Suarez and Rooney are so shocked now they start to fear this young kid. Their already tarnished reputation would take a severe beating if he revealed this conversation to the outside world, or more importantly, the news starved media. Suarez starts muttering in a foreign tongue, mostly cursing McEvoy, while Wayne remains lost in thought.

Rafa Nadal: Shall we get started, Luis?

Rooney flees from the spot like he has never done in the past six months. Presumably, he does not want to be the object of Luis Suarez’s practice session with Rafael Nadal,

An apology: Kindly excuse the writer if the disclaimer offends you, and for the repeated digs at Suarez’s instincts, the clubs involved, and any other party that the writer may have offended. It was all in jest, only meant to hold the reader’s interest.