With SK Alternate Player Ratings we attempt a humorous take on the serious, serious world of professional football.
For our first edition, we pick out the rivalry that defined has defined the Premier League. Okay, it used to. After ten years of being no. 4 and a three years of Davey Moyes and Louis ‘the Philosopher’ Van Gaal, it really doesn’t feel like it can define anything anymore can it?
Although we missed the spice of many-an-occasion past, it was a superbly entertaining match – that last minute goal really was something. Made for spectacular entertainment for the neutrals.
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Manchester United
David De Gea – 7/10
Dave Saves? Bah!
He couldn't save the glorious header from His Holy French Handsomeness!
Was sleeping most of the time, and that header was an alarm from hell.
Antonio Valencia – 12/10
HE PLAYED THREE WEEKS AFTER HE BROKE HIS ARM AND HAD SURGERY ON IT. AND HE PLAYED LIKE A BOSS.
THREE WEEKS. I CAN'T TURN CAPS OFF BECAUSE THE MAN'S AWESOMENESS SIMPLY WON’T LET ME.
THREE WEEKS.
PHEW.
Phil Jones – 6/10
He is not in hospital – the man gets a 5 just for that. Would have been way higher than 6, though, if he had stopped HHFH from scoring
Marcos Rojo – 6/10
Defied skeptics and actually played some decent football. Was mostly untroubled due to Arsenal's lack of ambition, or cohesion. Like his partner, could/should have done better against HHFH
Matteo Darmian (off 63') – 5/10
Channeled his inner Rafael as he went lunging in for everything. Was saved a red card by Marriner's laxity and Mourinho's substitution
Michael Carrick – 6/10
Did what he always does – pass, pass, pass. And as always, he did it well. Much like Gandalf he screamed “you shall not pass” every time Arsenal tried to move forward.
Jose, you better play him as long as those creaking Toon legs have motor function in them.
Juan Mata (84) – 9/10
The Special Juan is making a habit of saving The Special One's bacon. He was superb, and makes you wonder what he did wrong in Chelsea to get thrown out... or was it all part of Mourinho's plan? Hmmm.....
Ander Herrera - 9/10
Flew into tackles, ran relentlessly, passed immaculately. The only one in either team who came looking for a fight and if Xhaka-man had started I'm sure they could have taken us on a bloody trip down memory lane.
Ah! Well *wipes away a wistful tear*
Paul Pogba – 7/10
Should have scored a screamer, should have done a Maradona and run through the entire Arsenal team, should have made a million defence-splitting passes ... should have done this, should have done that. That's all you can hear booming across the footballing world as Paul Scholes lays into him with all the grace of one his late, late tackles.
Why?
89.4 million.
That number is never going to let him be is it?
P.S. Was actually quite good.
Anthony Martial (off '62) – 5/10
Is he still mad at Ibra stealing his no.9 shirt? If so, he should up and leave. How can anyone look this disinterested for a big match?
Marcus Rashford – 7/10
Ran his heart out did that kid. But without LVG in the dugout doing his homework, had too much to think about. What is (a+b)^2? How do I beat Shkordan Mustafi? When will Miss Jones (there should be a Miss Jones in his school, surely?) call him up for the lab practicals?
*Sigh*
SUBSTITUTES
Wayne Rooney (on 62' for Anthony M) – 4/10
Why, Wayne? Why? Why do you subject us to this?
Daley Blind (on 63' for Matteo) – 6/10
Calm, collected and composed. Then disappeared from the left wing when the Ox decided to stretch his legs. THIS ISN'T THE DUTCH TEAM, DALEY!
Morgan Schneiderlin (on 84' for Juan) – 4/10
Came on to help reverse le bus into le parked position. Failed the driver’s test – not really his fault, though. It was just a collective shift into neutral from reverse.
Jose Mourinho – 7/10
His team bossed the game. His team created all the chances. His team scored first. His team ended up dropping two points at the last minute to the only real attack the opposition mustered. He whined at the press conference.
For someone who hates Arsene Wenger, he did a great job imitating him.
Arsenal
Petr Cech – 8/10
Why nobody shot at the near post only God knows. All the attempts to the far post though were brilliantly saved (bar the goal, obviously, D'oh).
The old man still has some fight in him, and it's wonderful to see.
Carl Jenkinson – 4/10
LOL.
Shkodran Mustafi – 6/10
Why does he go to ground so often? I mean, slide into tackles... the German was a touch shaky with the pace of Rashford and some better finishing would have left him wishing he was back at Valencia. (they haven't kept a clean sheet in 40 games)
But why does he go to ground so often?
Laurent Koscielny – 6/10
The Kosc was his usual calm self in the middle of the defence. The pace of Rashford, and the lanky (deceptive) speed of Pogba didn't trouble him. Would have had to retire if he had let Rooney in at the end of the game, but thankfully for Kostafi aficionados Wayne's touch was as bad as his pretend-beard.
Sorry, Diego Costa.
Nacho Monreal – 4/10
Could easily have conceded a penalty. Would probably have done so if a certain gum chewing Scotsman had been prowling the touchline
Francis Coquelin – 8/10
Tackled with the intensity of pit bull. Or a Mascherano (the Argentina version). Was superb in defence, but Arsenal needed initiative in the other half; and let's face it... he's no Fabregas.
Mohamed Elneny – 5/10
Why he plays with le Coq only Arsene will now. Considering he is slightly more offence minded than Coquelin he was poor going forward. Poor is an understatement – his attacking verve was deader than Tutankhamun.
Aaron Ramsey – 5/10
Yeah, he is not a winger Monsieur Wenger. Looked about as confused/lost as a normal person trying to pronounce Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch (that's 174 miles away from Aaron was born)
Mesut Ozil – 6/10
“His eyes are offside” sang the Stretford End. They needn't have bothered. He wandered around like a lost German tourist in the old markets of Istanbul.
Still has the first touch of God. And that gives him a six minimum. Every. Single. Time.
Theo Walcott – 5/10
Oh! Theo. What an enigma you are. Whenever you wondered where he was he would sprout out of the ground like a zombie from the Plants vs. Zombies game. Unfortunately for the Gunners, he played like one too when he had the ball at his feet.
Alexis Sanchez – 8/10
Arguably the only Arsenal player out there who was playing for a win – till HHFH came along that is. Was as persistent as ever, and you really couldn't have said that he had just climbed off a jet plane that had traversed half the globe and had to declare himself fit to convince his boss to play him,
SUBSTITUTES
Olivier Giroud (for Mohamed, 73') – 15/10
His Holy French Handsomeness comes on.
His Holy French Handsomeness scores epic header and saves the day.
Arsenal fans everywhere weep with religious fervour.
Xhaka (for Francis, 80) - 6/10
Why did that Swiss/Albanian/Kosovan streetfighter not start! *feels eyes welling up again with thoughts of what could have been as visions of Basque-Balkan fighting swarm about*
Oxlade-Chamberlain (for Carl, 83') – 9/10
The Ox came, ghosted past Rashford on the wings, and put in a peach of a cross. Your move now, Arsene!
Arsene Wenger – 6/10
Got his tactics all muddled up. Set his team up for the draw. Put a central midfielder out wide and started two defensive midfielders in the centre. Played a winger up top. Introduced two substitutes and they combined for a goal. His smile while talking to the press could have lit up the United Kingdom.
For someone who hates Mourinho, he did an awful good job imitating him.
Andre Marriner – 5/10
Should have sent off Matteo Darmian, could have given the penalty against Nacho Monreal. Being the decisive footballing official that he is – he did neither
Was probably just glad that Kieran Gibbs did not come on along with the Ox.
