While watching Suicide Squad in a theatre, the manner in which Amanda Waller (Viola Davis) introduced the members of Task Force X to the officials dining with her, provided inspiration to create a Suicide Squad of football.
There are footballers and others who work in this field of football who share some features with the characters of the latest DC movie. Shooting ability, playing style, attitude on and off the field are some of the traits that can be relatable to all the weird hero-like Super Villains of Suicide Squad and other supporting characters.
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This is only done for the purpose of entertainment and fun. There are spoilers ahead. So watch your steps. Here’s is football’s Suicide Squad.
1) Amanda Waller – Roman Abramovich
Amanda Waller of Suicide Squad is a ruthless officer and she doesn’t think twice while taking incredibly hard decisions. Although she seems like one of the good people in the beginning, make no mistake – she is good but her traits make the audience hate her, her character takes a negative turn in the perspective of those who are watching the movie because of her unsympathetic treatment of the members of the Suicide Squad before and even after the completion of the operation in which the Super-Villains put their lives in risk for safeguarding hers.
Chelsea’s owner Roman Abramovich is the Amanda Waller of football. Like Waller, he shows no mercy for the managers who fail to complete their season objectives. And exactly like her, Abramovich is extremely powerful. Whenever he fires a manager, Chelsea fans start to hate him. But whatever he does, his intention is to develop the club and ensure a secure future for the club which is similar to what Waller does – protecting people from meta-humans.
2) Rick Flag – Carlo Ancelotti
Rick Flag is the soldier who leads a bunch of Super-Villains on a deadly mission. On the field, everything goes according to his plans. However, unlike his superior Waller, Flag is not a man with a heart of stone. He understands the emotions of the squad members and tries to find a common ground when it matters the most to get things done.
His equivalent in football would be Carlo Ancelotti – the man who lead teams like AC Milan, Chelsea, Paris Saint-Germain, and Real Madrid to success. A tactical genius, he tweaks the existing systems of his teams to make them super-functional.
The owners of these clubs might be blood sucking monsters who demand 100% from their managers and players, but Ancelotti is compassionate and knows how to motivate his team from the sidelines. League titles in Italy, England, France, and Spain are testimony to the fact that Ancelotti can be a good manager and motivator.
3) Dead Shot – Cristiano Ronaldo
Dead Shot is an excellent marksman who never misses his target. Even if he does, that’s only on purpose. He doesn’t kill for the sake of fun. He does it to make money by using his talent, in hopes of securing a good future for his daughter, whom he loves a lot.
If there’s anyone in football who has the ability to shoot with power, precision and accuracy, then that is Cristiano Ronaldo. The three-time Ballon d’Or winner is a nightmare for defenders and goalkeepers. Off the field, even though people gossip about him and hate him, Ronaldo has a helping nature and is a kind hearted person. He has made donations for various humanitarian acts and NGOs serving different purposes which compel even his haters to love him. Welcome to the squad, Ronaldo.
4) Harley Quinn – Dani Alves
Harleen Quinzel a.k.a Harley Quinn is the craziest and funniest member of the squad. All that she carries around with her is a revolver and mere baseball bat. But when she starts rolling, no one can stop her. Even though she makes humorous points, every now and then she makes sense.
Who are the craziest footballers of our generation? There are many. But no one is as crazy or as big a trolling figure as ex-Barcelona player Dani Alves. Alves, football’s drama queen, is the Harley Quinn of my Task Force X or Suicide Squad.
Known for his extreme fashion sense, cool attitude and explosive playing on the right wing, Alves is a complete and deadly package. Dani Alves is just as unpredictable, funny and witty as Harley Quinn.
5) El Diablo – Luis Suarez
Chato Santana, also known by the name El Diablo, is a Super-Villain with the ability to generate fire. When enraged, he can really burn down everything. The problem is that when he gets angry he loses control and just destroys everyone by releasing fire blasts. After doing something really bad, he is seeking redemption in the movie.
Football’s bad boy Luis Suarez, who bit three players, made racial comments on Patrice Evra, and used his hand to stop Ghana from progressing to the semi-final of World Cup of 2010, is our own El Diablo. Partly because he is bad and partly because he can set the pitch on fire by breaking down defences and scoring spectacular goals. Like Santa, Suarez has promised to not be controversial anymore. Trivially Suarez is lovingly called El Pistolero by his fans!
6) Captain Boomerang – Dimitri Payet
Captain Boomerang, originally Digger Harkness, is a DC Super-Villain of Australian descent and the way Jai Courtney portrayed him in the movie with that Aussie accent and an uncontrollable thirst for beer was just superb. Harkness’ main weapon is his boomerang and he is very skilled at using them for carrying out his misdeeds.
Dimitri Payet, at West Ham, showed us last season just how good a player he was. He is a specialist in curling the ball. His free kicks were exactly like Harkness’ boomerangs – curling past the defenders and ending up right where Payet wants it to.
So, everyone, Dimitri Payet is the latest addition to the squad. Captain Boomerang is untrustworthy. Payet is not one bit like that. But since Harkness’ boomerangs and Payet’s freekicks are very much similar, I have picked Payet for my team to do Captain Boomerang’s job.
7) Killer Croc – Pepe
Killer Croc is meta-human and has the features of a crocodile – he has reptilian skin, he is cold blooded and is a cannibal. As the movie progresses, Waylon Jones (that’s his real name) shows that he isn’t as cruel as we all think and helps Rick Flag in defeating the enemy. One more thing, Killer Croc thinks he is beautiful. We all know the truth.
Pepe of Real Madrid is the Killer Croc of our team. Just like DC character, Pepe is ruthless. He is hot headed and he kicks, stamps, swears, spits at his fellow professionals and in the end he pretends like nothing happened.
His on field antics have gained him a large base of haters. The internet just goes mad when Pepe commits a foul play. But whatever Pepe does, he does it for his team.
8) Enchantress – Xavi Hernandez
Enchantress is the antagonist in the movie and along with her brother-cum-sidekick, she creates some serious damage to people. She is pure evil and has no love for the humans who have mistreated her. Her only desire is to bring the entire Earth under her rule. These features remind me of Joey Barton. But let’s keep all these bad and nightmarish things aside and let’s only focus on the good part so that I can add a real star to my team.
Let’s think like this – Enchantress can perform magic. Magic is mesmerizing to watch. So is Xavi! Football’s magician, who spent most of his career at Barcelona and helped his club in achieving the impossible task of winning six trophies in a year, Xavi is our Enchantress. Or more likely our Enchanter.
While all the magicians summon things out thin air, Xavi, with the ball at his feet, creates magic on the field.
9) Katana – Andres Iniesta
Katana, the Japenese bodyguard of Rick Flag, is a martial arts expert and carries a special sword with her. The sword captures the souls of all those who fall prey to her. She is excellent with the sword – probably one of the best in the DC universe and cut through anything with swift movement.
The player who can slice through tight defenses with his laser passes is Andres Iniesta. If Katana has her sword and superb moves, the Spaniard has his passing ability, vision, space unlocking movements and an excellent understanding of the game. He is my Suicide Squad’s Katana. Katana’s sword captures souls. Iniesta’s perfect passes capture the hearts of millions of football fans around the world.
10) Joker – Florentino Perez
Coming to Joker’s football equivalent, we tried to choose a footballer. But which footballer acts without thinking about the consequences? Many do but not all of them do so regularly. Since the Joker is that lunatic who does things without giving any thought about the outcomes and also since he is not actually a part of the squad but someone who is just as important, we have selected Florentina Perez as our squad’s Joker.
Just like his DC Universe contemporary, Perez fires successful managers, signs players who are not needed, comments of the issues that are not his problems, acts like football’s prom queen and does his very best to humiliate and beat his rivals.
His grand plan of having a team full of “Galacticos” during his first term as Real Madrid’s president and his constant scuffle with Real Madrid’s managers are good examples of how Perez is a person who likes to shoot himself to instant glory and doesn’t actually plan solidly for the future.
