Tale of the Tabs – Sunday July 14th

David Moyes has a lot of thinking to do…

There comes a moment when however much you want to believe in the ability of someone, the sad truth kicks in. As Jay Z once said; “Thank God for granting me this moment of clarity”, because I can now clearly see that our good friends of the tabloid press are utterly clueless.

The beginning of the summer threw out a few false dawns such as Navas and Fernandinho to City. However, the recent debacle involving Isco and then Thiago clearly demonstrate that the papers really have no idea what is going on. Last week’s editions were full of “Thiago signs this week” stories, which to be fair were partially true as he did sign…but for Bayern Munich, not Man United. To paraphrase Luke 23:34 (that’s no relation to Austin 3:16, just so our distinguished Ed is sure!) – “They know not what they write”.

The Sun

That out of the way, where better to begin with The Sun? The news that David Moyes can spend “as much as he likes” may be alarming to a balding, ginger dwarf-like figure residing in Tampa. The assertion that Moyes wants Bale and Ronaldo takes some believing, but lets take it at face value if money is no object.

Why then, does the story continue, that United won’t up their £12m offer for Leighton Baines? Lets recap – money no object, spend as much as you like, won’t increase bid for England international. Am I missing something here, or is there a glaring indiscrepancy in this story?

Inside, there is news that Stephane Mbia is a shock target for Arsenal. A shock for anyone who saw him play last season. I can only assume that The Sun has managed to confuse Mbia with Yann M’Vila. Not much else of note other than Jovetic being off to City and Liverpool struggling to keep Suarez, a struggle they are surely destined to lose.

The People

The news that Wayne Rooney is earmarked as Robin van Persie’s understudy for 12 months comes as great news for anyone who actually saw Rooney play last season rather than rely on the memories of 2009/10. Additionally, the news that Ronaldo, Bale, Fabregas and Modric are all targets is wildly exciting, although totally unrealistic.

Now that Arouna Kone has gone and signed for Everton, we obviously need another Wigan player to be frequently linked with the Goodison side and it appears that James McCarthy is the man for that job. Expect to read the same story next week and the week after and the one after that as well. Tottenham and Chelsea are battling for Christian Benteke and excitingly, Jay Spearing wants to move to Bolton – it doesn’t get any better than that!

The Sunday Mirror

Christian Eriksen: Jogging towards Anfield?

Having shamefully not followed up on my Messi to St.Mirren story last week, the Mirror lead with an equally fanciful back page. “I want my Drogba back” so it says – quotes within the article from Jose Mourinho saying he wants to re-sign Drogba? Zero! The news that Christian Eriksen and Toby Alderweireld are wanted by Liverpool leads to an outstanding quote from Ajax coach and legend Frank de Boer.

Giving its full context, he says “If Liverpool go back to really good possession play, it can be a success for Christian. But it does mean that their entire way of playing has to change”. I think the official word for this is – burn!

Finally, we are given the news that Marouane Fellaini’s release clause only lasts until 14th August. This story has already featured prominently over the last month or longer, so I’m at a loss why it appears here as an exclusive. I can see it now next week in Mirror Towers – “Fergie retires shocker” heading the back page.

The Daily Star on Sunday

The news that Joe Kinnear is targeting Portuguese international Rolando is a great rumour to start with. I’m sure there’s a gag here involving Kinnear and dyslexia, but I’m damned if I can think of it. It appears to be a busy time for the Geordies with Darren Bent and Loic Remy incoming, while Tim Krul is a target for Arsenal.

There appears to be less outrageous stories than usual this week, although a better wit than me would have a field day with Real Madrid trying to ‘steal’ Luis Suarez from Liverpool. You know, Liverpool, steal, theft, Merseyside…oh forget it. Daniel Opare could be off to Spurs and Pepe Reina could be quitting Liverpool in a low key week not only for this paper, but all the papers.

Anyhow, I fully expect to be proven wrong and for all the great journalists of the tabloids to come firing back with exclusives left, right and centre over the next fortnight.