Tales from the Tabs – 30th June

So far, we have had a month of tabloid stories and credit where credit is due, there have been several successes from the red tops. The Mirror called Mignolet to Liverpool weeks before it happened and The Sun called Tevez and Dejan Lovren to Juve and Southampton respectively, to name but three. However, with two full months before the end of the transfer window, there is still plenty of time for this early promise to fade away.

The Sun

Leading with a frankly staggering back page from Chief Sunday Football Writer Charlie Wyett (is he the tea boy every other day?), the paper reveals that Wayne Rooney and David Moyes have had a ‘secret’ meeting to discuss the player’s future. I’m not sure how the management structure works at The Sun, but ‘new manager having meeting with employee’ is surely not a bombshell for them to lead on? Then again, the tabloids lead on Pellegrini having a ‘secret meeting’ with his staff the other week, so maybe the concept of a manager actually meeting and talking to his staff is an alien concept in tabloid land after all?

Transfer wise, Grant Holt could be plodding his way to Hull and Titus Bramble exporting his unique slant on total football to Besiktas in an otherwise dull edition. Dull that is, until we come to a comical story regarding Newcastle that has nothing to do with Joe Kinnear.

Apparently, Alan Pardew is insisting that all the players speak English and English only at the club – which must come as shock news to someone, somewhere at Sun HQ. What headline could be next after this shocking turn of events? Coming next week – “Strikers to practice scoring goals by shooting at the goal” or maybe “Smarmy, over hyped Cockney manager to deliver smug, over indulgent press conference”? This masterpiece about an English manager of an English club insisting players speak English occupies two thirds of a page. We can be thankful that Jose Mourinho and co. are back from holiday soon to put an end to this madness!

The People

Hulk to Chelsea?

Now THIS is a worthy back page exclusive. Probably lacking in truth, but it’s what a summer transfer story is all about. Fernando Torres to Arsenal so the story goes, with Mourinho also looking to sell Mata and Luiz while looking to sign SIX players, some of whom may be Hulk, Mario Gomez, El Shaarawy and Edin Dzeko.

It is a Sunday, therefore Arouna Kone has to be mentioned in the same sentence as ‘want-away’, ‘release clause’ and ‘Everton’. Expect the same next week. Stranger stories see Micah Richards off to Roma or Arsenal and Bolton after Jordan Rhodes for £9m. I’m not sure what is more unlikely, Bolton having £9m to spend or having £9m to spend and deciding to blast it all on Jordan Rhodes. Still it’s written by Alan Nixon, so has to be true, eh Nicko?!

Another example of what is becoming a typical week for The People. Back page splash regarding ‘a name’ followed by pages of rumours about everyone else. A simple yet effective formula that we can all appreciate.

The Sunday Mirror

A distinct lack of quantity is made up somewhat with the quality of rumour this week. Alvaro Negredo is rumoured to be a target for Man City, a story that was first broken by, wait for it, Alan Nixon in The People four weeks ago. All hail King Nicko!! Wayne Rooney is the subject of a £20m bid from Arsenal (that’s two Jordan Rhodes and the money our editor spends on deep-fried Tennents for those keeping up), although David Moyes wants to keep him at the club. Christian Beneteke and his potential whereabouts is a story that will run and run all summer.

For now, the paper hedges its bets and names Chelsea, Spurs, Arsenal, Liverpool and Atletico Madrid as possible destinations. Villa would then spend some of the fee on Nacer Chadli, who in turn interests Liverpool, Spurs, Fulham and West Brom as well. In conclusion, no-one knows what is going on, but by throwing in as many clubs as possible we will be able to unveil the “You heard it here first!!!” headline so loved by all tabloids.

The Daily Star

Rooney to stay?

The paper leads with the story that Wayne Rooney would love to stay at Old Trafford for longer, so long as he still gets paid £250,000 a week. In only 36 weeks time Rooney could actually buy Jordan Rhodes for himself. Normally when I mention Rooney, I normally make a less than subtle dig at his agent and his conduct relating to Mr.Rooney’s ‘situation’ at Old Trafford. This is then removed by the fine gentleman who edits this piece (Hi Dave!) on the grounds that we don’t want to besmirch this agent in print. So let me set the record straight and say that Mr. Stretford is a remarkably adept agent and does a wonderful job for his clients. (Dave – stop trying to get us sued, you absolute cretin. That’s my job.)

Carrying on with further statements of fact, Robert Lewandowski finds himself a target of both United and City despite everyone (bar Steve Millar it seems) knowing that he will eventually end up at Bayern Munich. Yohan Cabaye is a target for PSG at £25m, with Newcastle looking to spend the windfall on Aubameyang and Kurt Zouma, which shows us if anything, that Joe Kinnear has managed to download the most recent patch from Football Manager 2013. Continuing with the success of last week’s transfer pullout, we have the likes of Patrice Evra back to Monaco, Dirk Kuyt to Fulham, Matej Vydra to Sunderland, Antolin Alcaraz to Everton and Salih Ucan to Man United doing the rounds.

The paper even has the cheek to claim ‘First Again’ status for telling its readers that Isco would turn down City to join Real Madrid, strategically ignoring the three weeks worth of stories prior to that which consisted of “Isco is definitely joining City” ad nauseum.

Still, you can never fault the effort of The Star – although you are quite entitled to question its content…