The Journeyman Pro: Why penalties are harder than they look

In a professional career spanning twenty-five years, Simon “Smudger” Smith played for over sixty-seven clubs. The ultimate utility player, as his pace diminished, Smudger managed to reinvent himself time and again, from poacher to holding midfielder, centre-back to goalkeeper.

David “Moyesy” Moyes must feel like it’s Groundhog Day as he relives the same dreadful experience over and over again. A few weeks ago his Manchester United side cocked up in the COCUP and went out on penalties at home to Sunderland. The Black Cats will now face Manchester City in the final after the most pointless leg since Jake the Peg’s extra one saw them beat West Ham 9-0 on aggregate. It was a cricket score, albeit one just a few overs into a morning’s play.

Somewhat predictably, the players got a lot of stick for the penalties at Old Trafford that Wednesday night. It’s not as easy as it looks, I can promise you that.

Personally I found penalty shoot-outs a far less stressful affair as a striker than as a goalkeeper. This is probably due to the fact that I was rarely allowed to take one. Early in my career I took a few but with little success. They were all carbon copies of each other – I would run up full of confidence, drop my shoulder and send the keeper the right way.

I like to think that, even then I was a fully paid up member of the goalkeepers’ union, every penalty I missed seemed to bring more joy to the other team than scoring brought my own. I always thought the jubilant leap of their goalie was my doing and I must confess that felt quite nice.

I have always been one of those nervous footballers unable to even watch a penalty involving my team. I used to prefer to turn my back and ascertain whether the ball had gone in or not by the reaction of the crowd. This was not a popular move during my days as a keeper.

That said, it’s not all doom and gloom, I did once save one of Jason Lee’s. Unfortunately the manner of the stop meant my daily movements were not as regular as I’d have liked for the next week. You know what they say though – no pain, no gain!

Like most modern goalkeepers, I like to stay up late watching videos in preparation for a big shoot-out. Personally, I find that Keeping up Appearances puts me in a really positive place mentally. You can get the DVDs now but I’ve still got loads that we taped off the telly years ago. I would love to hear a commentary with Patricia Routledge one day though. It’s good to have ambitions, even at my age.

I also look at footage of previous penalty shoot-outs occasionally. It can help to try and get a read on a player but it is by no means a foolproof method. I remember doing my homework on a player who will remain nameless. He had put all three of his previous penalties over the bar or wide so I was feeling pretty confident but as the ball rolled into the corner I felt like I had completely wasted my time.

Danny Welbeck has received plenty of criticism for his wild penalty in the week but I completely understand what he was trying to do. I’ll never forgetting bumping into Chris Waddle on my honeymoon in Italy in 1990. He was clearly nervous about England’s imminent semi-final against Germany so I decided to offer some helpful advice: “With a pen, always go for the roof of the net. The higher the better.”

Danny had obviously heard the same thing. Like Chris, he was guilty of nothing more than a slight miscalculation.