The official rulebook of Street Football

To begin with, let’s hail the Chinese emperors of 5^th century BC. Anyone who ticked off these emperors would have their heads cut off and those mutilated heads would be kicked around as a form of entertainment. And with rise in trade and commerce, people from faraway lands deemed this practice fashionable and thus, football came into existence.

Football is a lifesaver. What would our lives be had the Chinese rulers not cut off some heads. The very sight of the black-and-white air-filled sphere (not bloody heads of dead prisoners) gets us all restless. One touch and some dribbling immediately starts soothing our nerves.

And despite the fact that the ‘Gentlemen’s game’ is preferred over football without blinking an eye in India, street football is steadily on the rise in our country. Kids in almost every locality can be seen playing the game worshipped all over the globe. But every game has a set of rules and street football is no different. The rules in this game are a bit bizarre with the main reason being that … um … it’s played on the streets, often leading to hilarious situations. Nonetheless, every street footballer must abide by these set of rules.

Presenting the official rulebook of street football…

Never get in an argument with the ball’s owner: Getting into an argument with the ball owner is risky business and once you start an argument, you tread those murky paths alone. The owner of the ball is the undisputed emperor. Get into a squabble and the chances of the ball-owner going home increase. No football means you getting subjected to abuses from everyone. So, never, ever get in a fight with the owner of the ball!

The ‘HALT’ rule: Since it’s street football, vehicles and people coming in your way is inevitable. And in case a vehicle arrives or departs, when someone screams – HALT!, it’s an immediate signal to stop play. Slyly moving the ball ahead during the time-out (which are sometimes too frequent for comfort) is rife in the game, leading to prolonged disputes and in most cases, better sense never really prevails.

Next goal the winner: The sun is setting and one team is winning 15-9. The guy with the ball has to go home. In such a situation, the golden goal rule is applied. Logic just goes for a stroll in the park. Next goal wins and s**t just gets real. And in most cases, the team trailing usually triumphs.

Benefit of the doubt is with the conceder: The fact that the goalposts are generally bags or rocks is known to pretty much everyone. And in case the ball goes marginally over or beside the post, the goal does not stand. Argue as much as you can, but if the ball even marginally grazes the inside of the post, the goal is not a goal.

The fat guy gets to be the ‘keeper: Goalkeepers have one of the most thankless jobs. But in street football, no one cares! The flabbiest or slowest usually is the man between the stones. But if any outfield player is having a torrid time and is allergic to scoring goals, prone to misplacing passes and having a poor game in general, it’s time for him to be keeper. Street football truly is survival of the fittest!

Banging is banned and volleying is vetoed: The statement itself gives you a fair idea. Never, ever volley the ball. Why? Well, most don’t have good control over their shots and the ball, many-a-times, gets lodged into the plant collection on the verandah of some random couple (frequently an old couple). And the heroic task of retrieving the ball is mostly done by the one who hit it in the first place and his scared but loyal sidekick. One knocks, the other asks. Never bang either, because it has an even higher chance of hitting something or someone!

Penalty is given only if the fouled player swears: In street football, a display of brute force by either of the two teams, or in some cases both teams, is normal. And in case of a foul in the d-line (or should I make it ‘the hypothetical d-line’), a penalty is seldom given, unless the presumably fouled player sets free the maniac inside him, which includes bombarding the opposition with a barrage of curses and the two 4-lettered words at an unfaltering pace. Do all this and the odds of getting a penalty suddenly rise.

Whenever a random guy arrives: Whenever a new guy arrives (and the new arrival may be a toddler or even a merrily married man) after the match has already commenced and asks whether we have ‘space’ for an extra player, our instantaneous reply is – ‘I don’t know! Ask x’. When the guy asks x, he says ‘Ask y’. He asks y, y tells him to ask z and the cycle goes on.

No referee: No ref means nobody to supervise you. So if you can’t break your opponent’s spirit, you can at least break their shins!

And the last and most important rule of all is… that there are no rules! Good luck!