The Silly Season - with Sir Alex Ferguson Ep. 1

Modified Jun 17, 2013 07:49 GMT

'I kept the trophy. Because football, bloody hell!'

‘I kept the trophy and I’m not giving it back. Because football, bloody hell!’

Welcome to the first edition of Silly Season, a round-up of the latest and greatest of transfer rumours. I am your host, NEFT (Money transfer. Transfer. NEFT. Get it? No? Oh, well). This show is special as we have a very special guest who will be the pundit on the show. He is a knight of the realm, one of the greatest managers of all time, someone who always speaks his mind. By always, I mean, of course, when he decides not to boycott the media. Which is most times, well, some times. In any case, here he is. The great man himself. Sir Alex Ferguson.

NEFT: Welcome to the show, Sir Alex. How do you feel post-retirement?

SAF: Football; bloody hell!

NEFT: Well, I see that some things do not change. Anyway, thank you for agreeing to act as a pundit on the show, Sir Alex. Now you can criticize just about everyone. Including Manchester United players.

NEFT: I see that Fergie time will never go away. Right then, Sir Alex. Let’s get to a couple of transfers that involve your club. First off, Rooney. There are rumors that he is going to PSG. Or to Real Madrid. Your comments?

SAF: Well, NEFT, as far as I am concerned, Rooney is David’s [Moyes'] problem.

NEFT: I know that, Sir Alex, but what do you make of his demands over the past few weeks?

SAF: Rooney seems to be more interested in implants these days. All he seems to be doing is showing up at concerts with his hair-do, or the lack of it. If he gave enough half of that attention to his fitness, he would never have been dropped.

NEFT: So, you’re saying that he should stay at Manchester United?

SAF: I don’t know. If he still believes that he can contribute to Manchester United, he could stay; but I can see why he would like to go to Paris.

NEFT: And why is that?

SAF: Well, for one, the football is easier. That way, even if he is fat, he can still be okay while getting paid enough to buy a McDonald’s. And second, he will finally get to go and live that bloody movie. What was the name again? Ah, yes! Midnight in Paris. The boy is positively mad about the movie. He watches the bloody thing every day and even turned up one day to training dressed in a Manchester United kit from the early 60s. Said that George Best gave it to him. Bloody Hell! I found an e-Bay receipt in his locker!

NEFT: This was precisely what we hoped for, Sir Alex. Old locker-room stories tumbling out. So that was Paris, what of Real Madrid then?

SAF: I wouldn’t sell them a virus!

NEFT: But you sold them Ronaldo.

SAF: Your point being?

NEFT: Well ….

SAF: Precisely. I stuck to my guns. I never sold them a virus. I sold them Ronaldo. There is a difference. A virus can be treated with antibiotics. Ronaldo can’t.

NEFT: You might never sell them a virus, Sir Alex but should David Moyes sell them a Rooney?

SAF: That depends.

NEFT: On what?

SAF: On what we will get in return.

NEFT: How about money?

SAF: Overrated!

NEFT: Sergio Ramos?

SAF: Too Spanish.

NEFT: Higuain?

SAF: Too Argentinian.

NEFT: Benzema?

SAF: Too French.

NEFT: Modric? Too Croatian?

SAF: No, too short. And don’t try to act too smart.

NEFT: I apologize. Di Maria?

SAF: Too much like Nani. And that is not necessarily a good thing.

NEFT: Ronaldo?

SAF: Ah! Now there’s a thought …

NEFT: So, that’s it then. It will take Ronaldo for Rooney to be sold to Real Madrid. Well, you heard it here first, folks. Straight from the horse’s mouth!

SAF: I’m not the horse. I am the owner of the horse. And what a magnificent horse it is too!

NEFT: I was talking metaphorically.

SAF: And I was not.

NEFT: It looks like one rumour has, inadvertently, led to another. In the next episode, we will be talking about the inevitable. What has to be. What must be. The return of the prodigal son. We will also be talking of so much more. Stay tuned. Before we go, Sir Alex, a last question. Bebe.