The Silly Season - with Sir Alex Ferguson Ep. 2

Party time!

NEFT: Hello and welcome to Episode 2 of Silly Season, a show about the goings and comings of the transfer market. Quite literally. We have with us our esteemed guest, the recently retired manager of Manchester United, Sir Alex Ferguson. Sir Alex, always a pleasure.

SAF: Get to it, man!

NEFT: Right ho, then! Diving straight into it. Ronaldo.

SAF: What? Are you accusing the boy of diving?

NEFT: I apologize. Wrong choice of words. Sir Alex, what do you think of Ronaldo coming home, as it were?

SAF: Well, I can’t say that it is not long overdue. He did come to Old Trafford when he was hardly old enough to drink; though in England, you only have to be 12 or something of that sort to drink but nevertheless.

NEFT: Ah! So you think it is time for him to come back to Old Trafford, then.

SAF: Old Trafford? Check your facts, boy! He is from Portugal. His mother kept complaining that she hardly saw much of him and now that the season is over, it is indeed high time that he went back home.

NEFT: Sir Alex, I think I phrased the question wrong again. I apologize. Again. I meant what do you think of Ronaldo coming back to Old Trafford?

SAF: What of it?

NEFT: Well, do you think that it is time that Manchester United made a bid for him?

SAF: Well, let’s be honest here. I would love to see the lad back at United but then again, let’s be practical here. Look at the figures that are being quoted for him. Monaco, apparently, are willing to offer him somewhere in the region of 400,000 pounds a week or something of that sort. They might even be willing to pay something like 80 million to take him there. I mean, this is money we are talking about, not confetti balls!

NEFT: So, you’re saying that Manchester United will not bid for him?

SAF: Well, if you ask me, I think there is already a plan in place. First, we are going to Madrid and hold talks with Mr. Perez. Then we are going to agree a fee of 80 million pounds for the sale of Ronaldo. Now, since such an agreement is already in place, we will simply re-invoke the agreement wherein Real Madrid will then owe Manchester United 80 million pounds. Now, we will draw up a new agreement whereby we will buy Ronaldo for 75 million, making the deal net about 5 million in profit for United. Not a bad bit of business if you ask me.

NEFT: I’m confused but let’s just say that I understand. However, what if they refuse? What else can you offer?

SAF: To sweeten the deal, I’ll just say that I’ll put in a good word with Daniel Levy for Bale. That ought to do the trick.

NEFT: So, you’re saying that United won’t bid for him then.

SAF: Of course we will.

NEFT: I don’t understand.

SAF: I don’t care.

NEFT: But will he come back?

SAF: Will who come back?

NEFT: I give up. I think we should move on. We’ve spoken about Ronaldo. It is only logical that we talk about Nani.

SAF: The boy is talented.

NEFT: Yes. We all agree. But there is talk of him wanting to leave.

SAF: There is also talk about San Marino conquering the world.

NEFT: What I meant was that do you think it is time for him to leave?

SAF: Well, I did sign the boy Zaha and he seems to be better than Nani. Although I should not say that.

NEFT: But you did.

SAF: You can’t prove that and if you do, I will stage a walk-out.

NEFT: I apologize. Calm down, Sir Alex.

SAF: I am calm.

NEFT: Good then. So, do you think the 8.5 million that United want for him is fair?

SAF: Well, if we paid 7 million for Bebe and Nani is better, well let us assume he is, anyway, United are fair in asking 8.5 million for him. Hell, if Torres is worth 50 million, Geoffrey Boycott’s mum is worth 35 and if that is the case, Nani is definitely worth 8.5.

NEFT: And Anderson?

SAF: Well, definitely more.

NEFT: More than 8.5 million?

SAF: Of course. Even if you took all the fat in his posterior, divided it by 10, took the square root, and then assigned a million to each decimal place that you get as a result, you’d still get more than 8.5.

Talk about being worth your weight in money!

NEFT: Well it is hard to argue with logic like that, that’s for sure. Well, that’s that, folks. Thank you for joining us for the second episode. Stay tuned for we will be back soon to talk about all matters transfer with Sir Alex Ferguson. Until then, goodbye.