The world according to Mario

Quite frankly, Mario Balotelli is one of those love or love to hate, but really, actually love characters. His charisma really is mind-blowing, as is the cheekiness of that infamous, audacious backheel against LA Galaxy that really ‘ignited the spark’ to the start of his controversial career at Manchester City. So, since we all really can’t wait any longer for him to write an autobiography noting his life and the multiple, hilariously enlightening adventures over the course of his 21 years, I may as well give it a shot.

So maybe this is how he sees his world?

The Transfer

Manchester City bought me for £24 million from Inter, or was it AC Milan? It’s so confusing because sometimes people got angry at me for wearing the other team’s kit. I mean, come on, it’s not that bad, AC’s kit is quite nice. £24 million is a bargain for me though, I’m a fantastic player, pretty sure there must have been a sale on at Internazionale at that time, maybe 90% off. Quite sure Leicester City made a bid for me since they buy anything that moves whilst Sven Goran Eriksson is about, but Manchester City have a “project” that is well paid.

Self-Portrait in Words

Not that I’m somebody who likes controversy, or actually, maybe I am, I probably hold the record for going from “hero to zero” in the quickest time ever. I scored my first two goals for City, then decided I wanted to get to the showers before everybody else. Mancini – my boss – wouldn’t sub me, so I got myself sent off. I’m not one to be confused or anything – except that is, when I put on bibs, but I changed my contract at Manchester City so that I am always on the non-bib team in training and pre-match, saves me becoming fatigued or more likely, embarrassed.

On the subject of training, apparently Micah Richards and I had a fight, but really we love each other and were actually tickling each other but it looked like a fight. Not that he would beat me…

But I’m not really that self-centered. I like to have fun – and a lot at that. Somehow, on the weekend of a big derby, I got quite excited, so excited that I let off some fireworks in my rented house. I forgot that it would probably damage some stuff, but hey! I get paid by a rich man, and I get paid so much I don’t know what to do with it.

I’m a celebrity too, sometimes if I’m in a club, I have to make appointments with girls because so many of them want to see me; I send my mates – under the name ‘Receptionist’ to tell them that “Balotelli will see you now.”

Yet, I am quite nice sometimes, and happy. Though you have to poach a smile from me, especially when I score. We have a “who can hold a straight face the longest” bet – as with everything I enter, I won. I won over some more fans when I befriended a bullied kid and went to confront the bullies. That felt good, bullies have no place in society, damn!

I’ve never thought of myself as a hypocrite before, until now; does throwing darts at Youth team and Reserve team players count as bullying or does it just emphasize the fact that they aren’t superior enough to be allowed to do such a thing?

Manager/Player Relationship

Mr.Mancini is a bit like a big, cuddly teddy bear behind closed doors. If I play well, Mr.Mancini rewards me by giving me his scarf. I now have as many scarves as games I have played because I play well every game. Mr.Mancini is very good with the big names in training and games. He is a good tactician and I’ve heard he is a bit of a party animal – but we will have to rule that by my standards. But our relationship is going so well we still aren’t on first name terms..

Along with developing that allergy to Ukranian grass, I think I have developed an allergy to countries beginning with “U” – The United Kingdom is a dump, the USA is where I made a meal of a simple back heel and Ukraine is where the grass is total sh*te.

The Football….

I am often found perched precariously on the bench, the excuse is “squad rotation” but in reality I know that it’s because Mancini doesn’t want to initially scare the opposition by putting their best player on the pitch from the start. I’m lethal!

British football is quite rubbish, isn’t it? Pretty sure I could buy all of the Scottish clubs (that still exist) with my pocket money I still get. Though English football is brilliant, I’m here.

Tevez has left too, which makes things even better, he was a waste of space and this now puts me as top-dog up-front of City’s £1,000,000,000,000,000.00 list of strikers – of which, I make up £1,000,000,000,000 of. That Aguero boy is alright. Dzeko, don’t get me started… both of them cost more than me. I am the bargain of the millennium.

But worse than the United Kingdom is Ukraine, I suffered a grass allergy whilst playing a sport which is always played on grass, but this wasn’t no ordinary grass, this was succulent, grown cheaply Ukrainian grass (Please note this was intended to be an anti-climax to a M&S style advert description).

Along with developing that allergy to Ukrainian grass, I think I have developed an allergy to countries beginning with “U” – The United Kingdom is a dump, the USA is where I made a meal of a simple back heel and Ukraine is where the grass is total sh*te.

Scoring the winner in a crucial game that potentially could decide the title was a good feeling, yet, it still couldn’t poach a smile from me. I am the definition of composure. In fact, I’m just going to correct that in my Gold encrusted dictionary. The celebration was pre-meditated, a brutal blow to Tottenham’s chances of winning the title – and more back page photos of me. “SUPER MARIO.” Oh yeah!

The Manchester Divide and ‘Race for the Title’…

The 6-1 win was massive for us, so big in fact, I deemed it necessary to drive around Manchester and high five all the City fans in sight, brilliant feeling. Good to have a bit of fun with the fans. The Manchester rivalry is going down to the wire this season though, it will be tough but United have a weakened squad with injuries and surely it must be a matter of time before they cave into the pressure. Especially when they play with a pensioner called Rio in their team.

The Infamous Stamp

I didn’t mean to, but anyway, even if I did, I’m being picked on. Just because I did it means I get a four match ban. So I contacted my agent, told him to make a statement threatening to leave City because I’m spoilt and don’t know moral values. Yet, my real excuse for doing it was actually to sort out Scott Parker‘s atrocious hair. So outdated, son.

The UK

And Britain, well, the UK is a bit of a dump isn’t it? Look at who we elected to be Prime Minister – the most reserved, proper and posh man ever, and he is useless. In my native Italy, we elect using a voting system called “lad points”, not First Past the Post. Berlusconi is seventy four but he fairly gets around. Admittedly, he got Italy in a state, but at least he had fun doing it.

That boy Cameron looks unbelievably miserable – and he has still got Britain in a state. Maybe I’ll book a holiday to Thailand with Berlusconi, Ashley Cole and David Cameron. Maybe we will leave Cameron behind and I will come back to rule Britannia.

The Future Holds…

Everything, World Domination is near. The coveted Balon D’Or is in my grasp, Italy captaincy shall be mine and the Etihad Stadium will have a Mario Balotelli Stand. Bibs shall, by law, be made more conventional and comfortable to wear. Maybe a move to Barcelona, but that’s me hoping!

Please Note: These are my views and not the views of Mario Balotelli or any other person. These views were only meant for entertainment purposes and comments to be taken light heartedly without wishing to offend anyone. I cannot confirm truth in any of the stories that have been associated with Balotelli and these have been additionally added to with the intended effect of sarcasm and wit.