What if Football players were Pokémon characters? [Part I]

KIEV, UKRAINE – JUNE 24: John Terry of England tracks Mario Balotelli of Italy during the UEFA EURO 2012 quarter final match between England and Italy at The Olympic Stadium on June 24, 2012 in Kiev, Ukraine.

Why do you love Pokémon? To me, they are just the epitome of fun. Something that I enjoyed watching over the time, and still do. When I was a child in the ’90s, I always wanted to be a Pokemon trainer. Bad idea it turns out, they don’t exist at all. 10 years later, now here I am, moved on from the fantasy world where a child turns 10 years old and is finally old enough to begin his Pokémon journey. The morning rain clouds up my window, and still the picture of an evolved Charizard brings a smile all over my smile. Maybe, it did have an impact on my life. It reminds me, that it’s not so bad.

Let’s take it a bit far ahead, what if Football players were those little Pokémon, and the managers were trainers like Ash, Misty or Brock. It is obviously a satirical piece, and has no relation with the dull life we live in. Please resist the hate comments, this is just a fun piece and we don’t intend to target or mock any specific players.

1. John Terry: Trainer Brock’s Pokémon.

The Chelsea legend would be the perfect Pokémon for Pewter City Gym Leader Brock, more like Wing-man. Brock had been known to fall in love with every pretty woman he meets, particularly Officer Jenny and Nurse Joy, and has a desperate need for female companionship which grows worse as he fails to gain it. He will do anything and everything he thinks will impress women, which inevitably ends with his heart being broken every time. John Terry would turn out to be his savior, of course after the various ‘experiences’ he has had in this field. He would be the Pokémon Love Guru, and his primary attack would be ‘Sleep Attack’ if you know what I mean.

2. Mario Balotelli: Bulbaswag.

Bulbasuar has been known to evolve into Ivysaur starting at level 16, which evolves into Venusaur starting at level 32. But, when mutated with an Italian Mafia Leader’s DNA, you get Bulbaswag, more precisely Mario Balotelli. But, unlike Bulbasuar, he won’t be so sweet and chubby. Mario is easily angered, and even the slightest glance of eye contact will make him furious. He will chase anyone that makes him upset and won’t give up until he catches its quarry. He can attack you anytime, anywhere it wants, and unlike other grass Pokémon, he would be fire-proof – might light up his own Pokéball.

3. Luis Suarez: Grass/Water type Pokémon.

Luis Suarez is a small, but unspecialized rodent type Pokémon. Its most notable feature is its large teeth. Like most rodents, their teeth grow continuously throughout their lives, and must be constantly worn down by gnawing. Suarez’s primary attacks would be ‘Diving’, that would enable him to dodge any attack, or even fake one. ‘Biting’ is his secondary, but most viscous attack. When it is threatened, Suarez can deliver a powerful bite. But whether it’s Suarez’s cunning looking eyes, or how he represents himself on the arena, fans just don’t seem to like him. If Suarez fell in a forest, and no one was around to see it, would he still claim to victimized? Yes, he would!

4. Martin Škrtel: Squirtle.

The most obvious one in the list, Škrtel resembles Water-type Pokémon Squirtle a lot. Both 0f them are short, bald headed, and if Suarez can mentor him a bit, he would earn the natural trait of swimming. He would even be a better defender, with the hard shell on his back. But, human looking Pokemon are creepy as hell.

5. Roberto Mancini and Roberto Di Matteo: Team Rocket members.

Team Rocket are a villainous team in pursuit of evil and the exploitation of Pokémon (Football players) mainly based in North London with a small outpost in Spain. They are led by the criminal masterminds Robertos Mancini and Di Matteo, and their main focus is stealing or capturing rare and strong Pokémon and use them to win titles and take over the world.

Go ahead if you feel like putting in your suggestions. If it gets a good response, we will come up with the Part 2 version.